UPJOKE
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

Two blonds walk into a tanning salon…

The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” One replies, “No silly, we’re not even Catholic”.

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

Yo momma so fat...

When she's tanning at the beach, Greenpeace comes with 3 busses to pull her back in the water...

Why was sin lying on top of cos at the beach?

They were tanning.

As a ginger person, I find tanning to be easy

I just go sit underneath the full moon.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics

...I got the bronze

A woman tanning on the beach sees Michael Jackson.

She says “Hey, get out of my son”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bananas were tanning when a piece of poop floats by..

So there were two bananas tanning on the beach when a piece of poop floats by. The poop yells " hey the waters great, get in". The banana turns to the other banana and says " do you believe that shit".

What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building?

A fifth degree burn

I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."

"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.

He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

My local tanning salon is offering an Easter special

You know, in case you've been in a cave for the last few days.

Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..

I came out with a Bronze..

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

A man is tanning at a nudist beach...

And a young girl who was playing with the seagulls ran up to him. Pointing to his nether regions she asked what that was and why lots of the people have them. The man not wanting to explain the reproductive system to some little girl said that it is his pet bird, pointing to his genitalia he said th...

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.


Later, two old ladi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guys goes to the doctor because he is often delirious

The doctor says;

“Listen, take this syringe, go home, and inject some anti-bacterial dish soap RIGHT into your veins”

The guys says “Ok” then goes home and does exactly that.

The next day he returns and says “Doctor, i did what you said, and it made my penis shrivel into a lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman flying around horny... (Dirty and Long)

One day Superman is flying around and he sees Wonder Woman sun tanning, butt naked and spread eagle on top of the justice league building. He thinks to himself, "I am fast as a speeding bullet, I can fly in, pump a few times, and be gone before Wonder Woman even knows what happened".

So as fa...

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

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