Ladies Jokes - 38 Hilarious Ladies Jokes

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

I don't like ladies with fat legs. I don't like ladies with thin legs.

I like something inbetween.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

My wife came back from golfing with the ladies, looking miserable

I asked her what was wrong. She said, “I got stung by a mad hornet between the first and second holes!”

I told her, “your stance is too wide.”

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that th...

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you t...

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

"Ladies" and "Gents"

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

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What do guitarists and ladies with sensitive vulvas have in common?

They both hate G strings.

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.

Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

2 ladies are walking their dogs. One has a big black lab, the other has a chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “We can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here."

“He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies f...

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Ladies' Night

A neighborhood bar held a special "Ladies Night" for all the women in the neighborhood, offering them a chance to meet and talk and enjoy a few drinks.

One evening, after leaving the bar, two women decided to walk off their drinks. Their route home that night took them through a cemetery. As ...

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What has 90 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…

… you need to let that mango.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he'll fix it

There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it

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Ladies.....

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives.
However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe wi...

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

Why did all the ladies love Jesus?

(spread your arms apart)

Because he was hung like T H I S

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Ladies, if you want men to stop staring at your boobs...

Eat a banana.

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