What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

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Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

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How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What would happen if I chopped your toes off?

You'd toeple over

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

2 luberjacks are chopping down a tree.

2 lumberjacks are chopping down a tree.
The first one asks, "hey, we really aren't making enough money with just getting and selling wood. How are we going to make more money?"
After thinking for a while, the second carpenter says, "We could try carpentry."
Then the first one ...

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What do they call a chopping block for rosters

A cock block

A man is chopping down a tree

Tree: Oww!

Man: Stop Screaming

Tree: Stop chopping me!

Man: This is my job

Tree: But Im a talking tree

Man: Then you must certainly dialogue..

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

Pork chop.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

I was asked if I’d rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said “Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop”.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Do you know why apple changed touch id with face id?

Because its harder to chop someones head than to chop their fingers.

The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar.

“It’s been a while since I last saw you,” The bartender says, “you look pretty beat up, what happened to you?”

“Nothing much. I’m just fine,” the pirate replies.

“But what about the wooden leg?” the bartender asks.

“Ah, I got that a while ago. M...

A doctor gets a chestnut dacquiri every day after work at the bar across the street.

He's been doing this for a couple of years at this point, and so the bartender, Jim, knows him. He forgot the man's name so at this point he just calls him "doc". In fact the doctor has been doing this for so long at the same time every day that the bartender prepares the dacquiri before he gets the...

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

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One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

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One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

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Diabetes is surprisingly the #1 cause of blindness

I thought it was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off

Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

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A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and o...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

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Shitty pun

In an Irish home while the father was cooking, the mom finished doing the laundry and asked the father if he needed help.The father then says that he is done and hands her a knife for her to chop the tomatoes for the salad, but she drops the knife that ended up on her foot.
As the son rushed to...

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner...

I miss onions, he was a good dog.

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How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

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A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful.

He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him.
King: Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful.
Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy.
King: What?! You swore an oath to me! Now tell me what has my wife been up to?
Count: I'm sorry your ...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

I chopped down a tree yesterday.

The people watching thought I did such a good job I took a bough.

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Gypsy with a deadly sin

One Gypsy went to a church for a confession: - Father, I have sinned - said Gypsy

-Tell me son what are your sins - priest asked

-They are so great so I am afraid to tell them even to you.

-God is merciful and he will forgive you you if you confess

-I fucked my mother! -...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

A man sits down at a bar next to a pirate and starts asking him about his past injuries.

The first thing the man notices is the pirate’s peg leg. “How did you get that wooden leg,” he asks.

The pirate responds, “Oh, a cannonball took my leg off in a fight with a naval frigate.”

“Wow!” the man replies. “So how did you get that hook?” pointing to the pirate’s arm.

The...

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

The thing I like about the dark is

You could be standing in front of an axe murderer and not know it until you’re chopped up or you take your schizophrenia medicine.

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A man goes to a Mexican resturant after winning big in Vegas.

He decides he is going to order the most expensive item on the menu. When the plate is brought to him he asks what it is. The waiter responds with "Its the bull balls from the bullfight thats held every week. Whenever the bull loses we chop his balls off and serve them as a delicacy." The man is ske...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

The Farmer and the Cherry Tree

A farmer rounded up his three sons and said sternly "I want to know which of you boys pushed the outhouse over, but before I do I want to tell you a story. When George Washington was a boy, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked, George admitted his deed, saying, ...

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all ex...

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

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A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland..

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland, no one is there but the bartender. He decided to sit down and have a pint.

They strike up a conversation, the bartender says, “you see this bar here? It’s the nicest bar in all of Ireland. It’s 100% oak, chopped the trees down myself. It’ll be here for 100’...

A short and skinny guy, Dave, enters the lumberjacks' office

He says he wants a job. A giant man stands up, laughs, and tells him to be in the woods at 5 a.m. 4.55 am, Dave is there. The giant tells him everybody has to clear 5 acres of trees until the end of the shift. The shift ends, Dave cuts 5.2 acres. The giant, obviously impressed, asks him where he lea...

African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

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A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that I may have grater problems.

It's the 1920s. A German tourist while walking around in New York city's Chinatown, notices a restaurant named "Hans Baumhauer's authentic chop suey"...

He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town.
He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?"
"Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhau...

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3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”

The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it...

Jesus is on the cross and...

He shouts “Peter, Peter!”

Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!”

Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!”

Peter, now with o...

What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood?

That's a huge axe man!

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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