UPJOKE
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As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

I started crying when Dad was chopping Onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

The FBI never fails...

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters:

\- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

\- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where t...

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

Does anyone want to hang out with me while I chop some wood?

I'm axing for a friend.

I was so ugly as a child

Had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

I went to the vet to get the tails of both my dogs chopped off…

My mother in law is coming to town and I wanted her to know nobody was happy to see her.

Starved boy and Pork chop.

Today I went out from steak house and found a starved boy looking inside.

Are you hungry little boy? I asked him.

I never had a chance to eat pork chop, he replied.

So I invited him inside and order one for him.

He looked even more sad and said nothing.

Something i...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree. "Wait," says the tree, "I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack smiles and says, "And you will dialogue."

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The Hawaii Special

Two guys are talking.
“Hey, did you know about the Hawaii special at the strip club?”.
“”No?”.
“It’s sooo good. One of the dancers gets naughty with you, and once you get hard, she slips a pineapple slice on your penis and eats it.”.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna try next weekend!”.

N...

George Washington admits he chopped down the cherry tree.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Little Johnny: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

Whats the american version of a karate chop?

A Connecti Cut!

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

Why did the Math Teacher chop wood?

So he could do Logarithms.

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Hammer

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and bang! knocks him clean off the barstool and onto the floor.The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the pr...

What happens if you chop off your left hand?

Your right hand is left.

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

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What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I chop up an onion

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day

while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what
he went through so he prayed.

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know
what I go through, so please allow her body to switch
with mine for a day."

God, ...

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

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A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

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The Japanese Banking Sector is crashing!

Employees at the Karate Bank are for the chop.

The Bonsai Bank has had to cut some branches.

The Karaoke Bank is going for a song.

The Sumo Bank had to trim the fat.

Employees at the Sushi Bank are getting a raw deal.

Prices at the Samurai Bank have been slashed....

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

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A cucumber is talking to a penis

The cucumber says: My life is hard. When I get hard, they chop me up and eat me.

The penis says: That's nothing! When I get hard, they put a bag over my head, throw me in a dark room, and make me do pushups until I puke.

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

What is the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other one is a yeeted ham.

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

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Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

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How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

Lumber camp advert

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see tha...

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off?

He's dead now.

help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

A man chops off his enemies feet

You can say he was defeated

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

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What do they call a chopping block for rosters

A cock block

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

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