“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

I cried when my dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

What’s the difference between chopped beef, and pea soup?

Anyone can chop beef, but no one can pea soup!

Raddah Raddah raddaah

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

A man chops off his enemies feet

You can say he was defeated

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

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A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do yo...

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

What do you call a pig in kung fu class?

Pork chop

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How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

First post please be nice

And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea pot and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some ch...

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it aga...

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and an onion?

I don't cry while I'm chopping up a prostitute.

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Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

What does vikings call english villages?

Chopping centers.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

A man is chopping down a tree

Tree: Oww!

Man: Stop Screaming

Tree: Stop chopping me!

Man: This is my job

Tree: But Im a talking tree

Man: Then you must certainly dialogue..

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

What would happen if I chopped your toes off?

You'd toeple over

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

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In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

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A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

The phone rings at KGB headquarters

“Hello?”


“Hello, is this KGB?”


“Yes. What do you want?”


“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”


“This will be noted.”


Next day, the KGB goons come over to ...

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

I was asked if I’d rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said “Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop”.

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

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How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

How does a Hungarian cook dinner?

First, he chops an onion finely. Then, he chops some garlic as well, or perhaps use a garlic press. This is then fried in a pan with about a tablespoon of oil for about 30 seconds, after which a few tablespoons of paprika is added. Add some salt, maybe some pepper, and then he decides what dish to m...

I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner...

I miss onions, he was a good dog.

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

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A guy is paying for his shopping at a grocery store...

The cashier scans his items;

- A cucumber
- A large packet of rice
- Two bottles of red wine
- Frozen pork chops
- Dog food

Cashier: “you’re single aren’t you?”

Customer: “yes... how did you know?!”

Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

A good boy

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and place...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

What is it called when the fat kid does karate?

Pork Chops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all o...

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

Hidden drugs in firewood

Johnny, calling the local police.

\- Yeah, my neighbour, Paul, is hiding drugs inside a big pile of firewood behind his shed.

The police answer; - We'll be right over.

A small force of officers arrive equipped with axes and chainsaws. They chop the whole pile up but find not...

I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To wh...

I have always loved animals,

Specifically chicken tenders, beef stroganoff, pork chops, and ribeye steak.

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that I may have grater problems.

The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar.

“It’s been a while since I last saw you,” The bartender says, “you look pretty beat up, what happened to you?”

“Nothing much. I’m just fine,” the pirate replies.

“But what about the wooden leg?” the bartender asks.

“Ah, I got that a while ago. M...

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