This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree. "Wait," says the tree, "I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack smiles and says, "And you will dialogue."

Why did the Math Teacher chop wood?

So he could do Logarithms.

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

Whats the american version of a karate chop?

A Connecti Cut!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

What happens if you chop off your left hand?

Your right hand is left.

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was dragged into a white van in the middle of the street

He finds himself in an interogation room where he is being accused with treason, and he must tell on his accomplices. The man is definitely innocent. After a few hours the investigators bring this big Russian guy , Igor, and tell him to go down to the basement and fuck the guy in the ass until he co...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

I broke up with my girlfriend after she had her toes accidentally chopped off.

I guess that makes me lack-toes-intolerant.

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

I cried when my dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry

Onions was a good dog...

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sailor and the pirate

One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate, “How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.” Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with ...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PP JOKE

three men enter hell the devil asks the men what did you use to work as the first man said a lumberjack so the devil said that they will chop his pp off the second man said a firefighter so the devil said we will burn his pp off the third thought about it and said lolipop sales men

edit : for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

An old couple had lived under utility lines their whole life. One day the man saw a crew digging up the old wooden posts and chopping them up. Excitedly he ran inside to tell his wife “They’re finally removing those ugly lines!” The next morning they went outside to see a clear view of the sky...

But the lines were still there, held up by shiny new metal poles. His wife looked at him disappointedly, sighed, and swore, “God damn repost.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

I was asked if I’d rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said “Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop”.

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

I chopped down a tree yesterday.

The people watching thought I did such a good job I took a bough.

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.