a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

Did you know that an aligator can chop down a child in a single bite?

Lost my job at the zoo today because of that...

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry

Onions was a good dog...

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
...

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

What’s the difference between chopped beef, and pea soup?

Anyone can chop beef, but no one can pea soup!

Raddah Raddah raddaah

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

A man chops off his enemies feet

You can say he was defeated

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

What do you call a karate pig?

A pork chop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 lumberjacks

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada. They go to the immigration office. First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds g...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do yo...

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an onion and a prostitute ??

I cry when I chop up onions !!

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

The man who thought his wifes job was easy. Nothing prepared him for this.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed.
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to swit...

An old couple had lived under utility lines their whole life. One day the man saw a crew digging up the old wooden posts and chopping them up. Excitedly he ran inside to tell his wife “They’re finally removing those ugly lines!” The next morning they went outside to see a clear view of the sky...

But the lines were still there, held up by shiny new metal poles. His wife looked at him disappointedly, sighed, and swore, “God damn repost.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

What would happen if I chopped your toes off?

You'd toeple over

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it aga...

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

First post please be nice

And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea pot and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some ch...

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

What does vikings call english villages?

Chopping centers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner...

I miss onions, he was a good dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

I chopped down a tree yesterday.

The people watching thought I did such a good job I took a bough.

NSFW.... maybe?

So Jesus is nailed to the cross and he yells "Paul! Paul!". So Paul being forever faithful to his lord runs over and begins to climb the cross. The Romans did not like this, so they went up and chopped one of Paul's legs off. Jesus calls again "Paul! Paul!". So Paul hops over and he begins to climb...

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

The phone rings at KGB headquarters

“Hello?”


“Hello, is this KGB?”


“Yes. What do you want?”


“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”


“This will be noted.”


Next day, the KGB goons come over to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a metal fan

The last time when we had sex, she got turned on and chopped my dick off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of meat do you get from body lambs?

Butt-in chops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.