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Chop Jokes

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

Starved boy and Pork chop.

Today I went out from steak house and found a starved boy looking inside.

Are you hungry little boy? I asked him.

I never had a chance to eat pork chop, he replied.

So I invited him inside and order one for him.

He looked even more sad and said nothing.

Something i...

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

How does a mathematician chop down a tree?

Axe-iomatically

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.

Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.

Why did the Math Teacher chop wood?

So he could do Logarithms.

Whats the american version of a karate chop?

A Connecti Cut!

Does anyone want to hang out with me while I chop some wood?

I'm axing for a friend.

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

What happens if you chop off your left hand?

Your right hand is left.

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

Pork Chop

Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.

I guess that they don’t understand the bond between man and dog.

I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

I went to the vet to get the tails of both my dogs chopped off…

My mother in law is coming to town and I wanted her to know nobody was happy to see her.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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What do they use to chop off your foreskin

Circumsizzors

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

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Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

A man chops off his enemies feet

You can say he was defeated

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

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A cucumber is talking to a penis

The cucumber says: My life is hard. When I get hard, they chop me up and eat me.

The penis says: That's nothing! When I get hard, they put a bag over my head, throw me in a dark room, and make me do pushups until I puke.

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

What's the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

Did you guys hear about the man whose left side was chopped

They say he is alright now

I chopped down a tree yesterday.

The people watching thought I did such a good job I took a bough.

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

What do you call it when you chop a duck’s head off?

Duckapitation

What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

What do you call a pig that knows karate ?

Pork Chop

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Who chops down trees and wears corrective footwear?

Paul Bunion

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off?

He's dead now.

What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood?

That's a huge axe man!

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

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