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A WWII Veteran is recounting his time in the Air Force with his grandkids

"I remember flying over Hamburg, I saw one fucker attempt to shoot down my wingman, so I attacked that fucker, but then another fucker came up behind me, and I had to dodge both of those fuckers." He says to his grandchildren.

"A Fokker is a kind of German Airplane." His daughter says to her ...

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A young paratrooper is recounting the story of his first jump to his best friend

I was so scared, I just couldn't do it, I was frozen. Then the instructor got in my face and started screaming at me. Finally he said "If you don't jump, I'm going to stick my dick in your ass!"

"So, did you jump?"

The soldier replied "A little... at first"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Two old widowers

Two old friends, both widowers, are sitting on a bench recounting the days of their youth and discussing what they've done in life.

Widower 1: My only regret is that I cheated on my wife early on in our marriage. I can only admit it now as my wife is no longer alive. I was young and foolish a...

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A reporter is having lunch in a park in Manchester...

She sees a child playing, when all of a sudden a large angry dog bounces towards the child, picking the child up and shaking it..

All of a sudden a teenage lad runs towards them, wresting the child from certain death and in the process kills the Savage dog.

The Reporter sensing a gre...

Florida voting recount has finally been completed.

Turns out the winner was actually Al Gore.

Why does Roy Moore want a recount of the election?

He thinks Alabama is playing hard to get

I’m really surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount in the Alabama election

Large gaps in numbers haven’t seemed to bother him before.

Roy Moore demanded a recount

The results came back that she was 14 and a half.

If the voting recount flips the outcome of the election, I have the perfect guy to call Trump and tell him that he's no longer going to be President...

Steve Harvey.

"I have to apologize.....the 1st runner-up, is Trump. The next President of the United States is...Hillary Clinton!"

*DEEP INHALE*

"***WRONG***"

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

Golden toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

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Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

A guy walks into a bar...

And he’s got a tiny head, completely disproportionate to his muscled body. One of the bar patrons goes up to him and asks, “So um... how’d that happen?” The man gulps down his drink and sighs. He’s recounted this story before.

“So I met this fairy by the lake. And she was absolutely beautifu...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

A man and his wife got married...

They went on their honeymoon and spent a couple weeks away before returning back home. The man goes to work and one of his co-workers asks him about his honeymoon! He wants all the details. So the man recounts it all to him:

"Well we got to the resort and put our stuff down, had a... A perfor...

Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown.

He’s demanding a recount.

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

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Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

A Lawyer Walked Into a Bank to Get a Loan...

...and a bank employee assisted him with the requirements. The employee asked, "How much are you going to borrow, sir?"

"Five thousand dollars," the lawyer said.

"And when do you intend to pay it?" the bank employee asked.

"In 30 days."

"Okay, sir, we have a standard 18% ...

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A politician dies...

A politician dies and finds himself in the presence of both God and Satan.

They explain him that, after carefully counting and recounting all his good and evil actions throughout his life, there’s a tie. As this is an unusual situation that, somehow, has never happened up to this point, they ...

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My favorite "pearly gates" joke.

Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and, one at a time, St. Peter asks them to recount their deaths for him.

The first man replies, "I just knew that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act! I searched the apartment, and sure enough, there he was h...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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A Talk With Dad

A father and son are talking after the son has been away for a long time in the Air Force. The son recounts his tale as the father listens intently:

"I was so excited to join the Air Force. I'm sure you remember, Dad," the son says.

"Yup," the father says, remembering.

"But wh...

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Two Blondes in Heaven [Fixed]

The Version as I know it.

Three men are standing outside the pearly gates and out comes St Peter.

"Sorry Guys, but Heavens pretty full today, so I can only let one of you in. So for this reason, who ever of you had the worst death gets to come on in."

So the first guy steps for...

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Jump

A soldier home for the holidays was recounting some of his experiences to a friend over drinks. "It was my first time in an airplane and we were all supposed to jump. I was the last one left and was having trouble mustering the courage. My drill sergeant was behind me and yelled, "Boy, if you don't...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

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Freudian slip

A couple goes to therapy to try and solve some problems in their marriage.

The counselor says that maybe by recounting their morning routine, they can find some unconscious signs revealing deep-set issues.

The husband responds,

"Well, this morning, something peculiar happened....

Three Englishmen

Three Englishmen were sitting at a bar having a drink and chatting it up. Suddenly, one guy spots an obviously Irish man having a drink by himself a few seats away, and they start making snide comments about him.

After a couple of drinks, one of the guys decides to confront the Irish man. He ...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

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The Rabbi's Blessing

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this eve...

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