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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put
him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he
was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said
the bull...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

Last week I registered for a course ‘Dealing with dissapointments’

It got cancelled again...

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A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

I registered to a website for constipation sufferers.

It won't let me logout.

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

I really shouldn't be driving in a state like this

Car's only registered in Queensland

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What's the best part about being a registered sex offender?

Everyone on your block knows you get pussy

I was shocked when the registered pharmacist was arrested for prostitution.

She also knew me very well since I have been a customer for years!

But I NEVER knew she was a pharmacist!

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When i meet someone who says 'im a registered sex offended'

...I think 'ha you got caught'


/s

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

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TIFU by hiring a registered sex offender as a replacement teacher

Oops wrong sub.

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

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The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

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