UPJOKE
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Stone Jokes

10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.

After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.
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Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....
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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

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A man is condemned to death by stoning

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes...

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...
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What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!
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Why do the Rolling Stones need a Realtor?

Because no one moves like Jagger..
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Why does nobody like a rich stone?

Because he takes everything for granite.
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Happy St Patrick’s Day! If you can’t kiss the Blarney Stone for luck just use a fake stone…

Any “sham rock” will do.
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Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she d...

Why can't stone workers sleep at night?

They spend all day knapping.
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Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!
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A Canadian man loses his wife.

He goes to the stonemason and asks for a tombstone that says "rest in peace." A couple days before the funeral, he comes to check on the stone and sees that it says "Rest in Piece."

"Sorry," he says to the mason, "but I meant 'peace', with an 'a'."

On the eve of the funeral, the maso...
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What would Batman's tomb stone read?

Good Knight
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Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.
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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

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A monkey is getting stoned in a tree..

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey

"Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
...

What did the kidney stone say to the man?

Urine trouble.
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What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.
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"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.
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A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...
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If you can kill two birds with one stone...

...they were probably fucking.

(Also: if the knife cuts both ways, why not call it a dagger?)

What do you call a stoned poem that attempts to overthrow the government?

A high coup
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They say you can't get blood from a stone, but my wife can.

She's shit at anagrams.

What's the most famous Queens of the Stone Age song?

I tried to google it but it said that no one knows.
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why didn't people make clock out of stone?

cause they had a hard time.
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Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins
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I killed two birds with one stone today

I am now banned from my local zoo.
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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

How do you tell drunk drivers from stoned drivers?

Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers stop and wait for them to turn green.
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Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola
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It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
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My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation
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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

Who is the best at getting people stoned?

Medusa.
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England may not have a kidney stone…

But they do have a Liverpool
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Women are like stones

You can skip the flat ones
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What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*
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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
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I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.
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I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.
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Cast the first stone,,,

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, “Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone.”

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the lit...
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Did you hear the one about the stoned proverbialist?

He watched his pot waiting for it to boil.
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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.
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What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones
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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

How do you get a kidney stone?

By living a sedimentary life style.
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I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones
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Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
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What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'
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My buddy told me he was having a stone bust sculpted in his image...

I told him not to get a head of himself.
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Have Sex And Get Stoned

Saudi Arabia is no joke

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.
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My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.
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I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."
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I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.
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I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

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What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

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Jesus comes upon a crowd stoning a harlot...

He was shocked at the cruelty, and he opens his arms wide and yells "STOP!!!" in his booming, godly voice. Everybody pauses and turns, stones in their hands, and Jesus begins to preach.

He preaches about brotherly love, and turning the other cheek. His words are inspiring and the crowd grows ...

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head
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I’m stone faced.

I may not show it all the time but deep down


...in my shoe...


my sock is sliding off my foot.
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Stone skipping

Three boys were sent to the headmaster’s office.

“What have you been up to?” the headmaster asked the first one in his sternest voice.

“I played ‘Stone Skipping’ by the pond,” he answered.

“Stone skipping? I see nothing wrong with that, I did that a lot when I was young too. Ju...

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high
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Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.
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What's the difference between rock and stone?

You won't end up in jail for rocking someone to sleep
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Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."

Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."



Source: 1913 newspaper
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I built this bridge, stone by stone! And they don't call me Tommy the bridge builder do they!?

But fuck one goat!....

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.
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A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...
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How do you make a stone fish

You give it sea-weed
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(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways
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Jesus turns up at a stoning.

And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”

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Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the nude, bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches ...

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.
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They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Thankfully, I'm in a greenhouse, so I can throw all the stones I want.
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Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...
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Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...
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Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"
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Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

The Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good...
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight
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Wanna hear a joke about a stone?

Never mind, I’ll just skip that one.
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Which one is more brave, a stone or a match?

A stone, because it’s a little boulder.
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Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.

They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.

Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...
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A caveman is sculpting leaves from stone

"Why are you doing that?"

"Ugh!"
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What kind of poker do stoned cows play?

High steaks.
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What's a rolling rolling stone?

Mick Jagger in a wheelchair
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Stone masons really take their work for granite

But their work is truly marblelous.



-credit goes to a post on r/memes
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Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...
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If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite
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I haven’t heard of the band: “The Rolling Stones” in a while,

I guess they went downhill
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Guys I'm stoned...

Hi stoned, I'm dad
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There was once an Indian called ‘One Stone’

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

Th...

In Greek Mythology, the Gorgon sisters Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa had the power to turn anyone who looked at them into stone.

But few people know that there was a fourth Gorgon sister named Zola.

She had the power to turn her enemies into cheese.
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COWBOY'S TOMB STONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, coo...

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*
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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.
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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?

Fried, eh?
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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

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The FBI Needed a Stone Cold Killer

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what ...

What happens when you give Eevee a French stone?

You get a Napoleon
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Do you know what a sex stone is?

It’s a fucking rock!

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.
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It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.
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A frog walks into a bank

A frog wearing a business suit walks into a bank and goes to stand in line to wait for a teller.

When it is his turn, he approaches the bank teller, whose name is Patricia Whack (don't laugh), and says "Hello, Miss, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I would like to take out a loan."

Miss W...
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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite
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What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment
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Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

Stoned people jokes

A stoned student was copying whatever the teacher writes on the black board, but every time the teacher clears the blackboard he throws away the paper.

2 stoned men were speaking to each other one said 'i am freezing from the air conditioner'' the other replied " i am jack, from Florida''....
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I killed 2 birds with one stone

Sadly, that's how I got fired from my job at the aviary
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What kind of stones does a ghost use for jewellery?

Tombstones
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