One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

Give a man a torch and he will be warm for a couple hours

If you throw the torch into his house and he will be warm for the rest of his life

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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This guy comes running into the bar and says

There's a woman in the carpark who said she'll fuck anyone. Quick as a flash i ran outside, jumped in her car, and started fucking her. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door, so i open it and there's a cop flashing a torch on us. What's going on here he says. Just having sex with the wife...

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

Are you a red stone torch

Because you make my piston turn on

Are you a redstone torch girl?

Cause you activate my piston ✅

My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

I had to stop using my head torch.

It made me light-headed

What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…

…they were stored in my dadabase.

I was using an acetylene torch and accidentally burnt myself.

It’s okay though, I’ll b-ethyne.

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful..

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful.


The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the recipt."


Then brunette intercepted her, "My husband is...

Someone stole my torch

I am not annoyed... mostly delighted...

What would you call the tiki torch brigade in Charlottesville if they formed a band?

Vanilla Isis

My mate lent me $5,000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit.

He stole my limelight.

What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship?

Arr, son.

What do you call a porcupine with an acetylene torch?

Spiny the welder.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

What did the human torch say before he cooked the beef?

**FILET MIGNON!**

The Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are the matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a performance artist and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Really?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."

The juggler...

I just seen the guy from the fantastic 4 movies at the gas station.

You know the human torch.. I tried to get his autograph but he just kept on rolling around on the floor screaming.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

Minecraft PiCkUp LiNeS

Girl, are you a redstone torch, because you really turn me on

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

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A Couple having sex in the garden at night....

He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"

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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

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A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

Little Johnny (NSFW)

Little Johnny was once bathing with his grandfather. He asked what is he having in front. Grandfather said, it is a torch. Johnny grew curious and asked his father same question, to which his father said it is a snake. The curiosity grew further, so he asked his mother what does she have in front. T...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

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Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This evening I was getting the c...

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him:

- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

The devil leads him to the first room where some...

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

How many Creationists does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they‘ve invented torches.

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to chang...

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

Oogah Boogah!

Two guys were flying in an airplane, over the deepest part of the jungle. Suddenly, their plane developed engine problems and they were forced to make a crash landing. After the crash, they gathered all the supplies they could carry and set off through the jungle towards the last town they flew over...

Sometimes I come up with a punchline so terrible...

...so contrived and unfunny, that a mob forms around me brandishing flaming torches and pitchforks.

It happens frequently enough that I've devised a getaway technique for just this type of occasion...I run to the top of the nearest hill, curl up in a ball and throw myself down the other side ...

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I used to love The Village People

until they came at me with torches.

-Gay Frankenstein

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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