A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

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A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

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My date..

I was at a gas station pumping gas when this cute girl pulled up next to me. She was in a Camaro and asking me questions about my car. Great convo we had, so i asked her on a date . I came to pick her up the night after, she was in a wheel chair! Surprised the hell out of me. So we went for a stroll...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.

Saw a Lady Pumping Gas...

Yesterday, I was pumping gas and the lady next over was pumping gas while smoking a cigarette which is illegal and just a little further over was a cop watching her but did nothing.

Soon I heard the lady screaming for help and saw her entire arm in flames. She was hysterical, running around....

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...

Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

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Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

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That SOB can drive!

### There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then...

Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!"
But anywa...

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First-time sex

Two hill farmers in the west of Ireland were walking home one evening, when Pat stops. "ye see that rock there Tom"? "" I do says Tom". "Well says Pat, "that's where I first, ya know, buried the baldy lad, got the ride, had sex that you call it, he spluttered." "jasus christ almighty" says Tom "that...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

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A female teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

Madam asked: 'Boy, what is your problem?'

The Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade - my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the...

Son walks in

And sees his mother jumping on his dad in bed

The day after son asks his mum what she was doing jumping on top of her dad and she replied that she was trying to remove air from his tummy.

Son replies"Mum is useless because the baby sitter keeps pumping him again"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven-foot tall grizzly bear charging right at him! He ran back up the path, with the bear close behind. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster. he looked over his shoulder as the ...

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