Who can drink 5 litres of petrol without being sick?

Jerry can.

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

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A man walks into a petrol station

He walks up to the counter and says

‘Can I have a Kit Kat chunky’

‘Sure’ replies the cashier and hands him a Kit Kat Chunky

The man replies - ‘I said I want a Kit Kat you fat bitch’

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two ...

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

Which spice girl is able to carry the most petrol?

Geri can.

A Whistler

Don't know whether this joke is already posted. This was forwarded by my boss. Tho joke goes like,



A Professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's ...

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up!

A young woman phoned her dad in tears:

“When I was driving to work today, my car spluttered and died. I walked home to see if Tom could give me a lift but I found him in bed with the girl from across the road. What should I do?”

Her dad replied “well, first I would check to see if there’s petrol in the tank, otherwise the carburet...

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Two guys driving out in the countryside (long)

So these two guys are out driving in the countryside and the car comes to a slow stop. "oh shit we have run out of petrol" says the one driving. " Look there's a farmhouse over there you stay here and I will go see if I can get some won't be long". So he knocks on the farmhouse door and there is no ...

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A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"

The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"

He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

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Free Sex with Fill-Up

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, **'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'**

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Pad...

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre

...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked
"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

Just got a petrol cap for my Skoda...

...seemed like a good trade.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

Two dyslexics sitting in a car.One turns to the other and says "I can smell petrol"

. "Good for you" says the other one, "I can't even smell my own name"

Warning: Dad joke for kids inside.

What do Skye, Chase, Marshall and Rubble use to power their vehicles?


Paw Petrol.

Question to all men

If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and really awesome car

What would you choose?


Options

a) Petrol Car

b) Diesel Car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into my local petrol station..

..yesterday. I asked the girl behind the counter 'can I have a KitKat chunky'.
She come back with a KitKat chunky'.
I said 'i want a normal KitKat you fat bitch'.

My car ran out of petrol...

I was on the highway when my car broke down. I looked at the indicator, and I saw I ran out of petrol. Suddenly a talking bee outside my window said "oh you ran out of petrol" I replied "yeah". The bee replied "I can fix that, I'll get my friends hold on". After a few minutes I see my gas fill up. I...

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' s...

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I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:

ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again ...

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.

P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

Man goes to a petrol station.

It's night time and one of those serving hatches. Talks to the girl. Can I have a can of coke and a Kit kat Chunky?

Off the girl goes to get his stuff. "There you go," she says, "One can of coke and a KitKat Chunky."

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kitkat, you fat cow."

Who would DO this??

I swear..only in Waihi!!
I walked into the BP to get some munchies.. As I was going through the forecourt, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her petrol. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy or both, especially with the cop RIGHT there ...

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Chinese Takeaway £24

Petrol to pick it up £2

Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers

Riceless.

An Engineer was jobless for long time...

He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic.

Doctor : I have lost taste in eating

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from...

How do you make a cat go"Woof"?

Pour petrol on it and light it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and say...

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I am going to go down on you, make you feel reall good. Then I'll slowly come back up and fuck you.

Lots of love, Petrol prices.

A dog needed to go for a walk

A 12 year old wanted to take their dog out for a walk. The only problem is that the dog was on heat.

The kid asked her mother if she could take the dog out, the mother replied to say she wasn’t sure but to ask her father if he had any ideas.

The child then asked her dad who said its ...

A man needs to inflate his tyres...

...so he stops at a petrol station, and finds that the air pump needs a token from the petrol station shop in order to work.

The man goes in and asks for one of the tokens.

"That will be 25p" says the cashier, who he pays and gets the token.

The man returns to his car and starts...

Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline?

They never go on petrol.

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Little Johnny & The Holy Water

Little Johnny is playing outside with a tin of petrol when he sees his friend Little Paul. Johnny walks over to him and notices that he has a bottle.

“What do you have there Paul?” asks Johnny.

“This is holy water” replied Paul.

“What do you do with it?” asks Johnny.

...

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

My drunk neighbour spent the whole night dancing to the sound of my generator

When I turned the generator off, he asked me who sung the track?
I said, it's Yamaha featuring petrol.

"What's that in your bag?"

"A knife, a box of matchsticks, some petrol and a few sticks of dynamite"

"No, that other thing there"

"Oh, just a pack of wafers"

"I'm sorry you can't bring that into the theater"

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

[Long][A hospital had a very interesting offer, if the patient is treated, he will pay 350 dollars, if he can't get treated, the hospital will pay 1000 dollars.

One day, a greedy man heard of the offer and decided he would scam the hospital. He went to one of the doctors and said "I can't taste anything."
The doctor asked the nurse to bring the twenty two number medicine. Patient took two drops and of the spat it out saying it was petrol. The doctor to...

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A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.

'Check the radiator' a voice says.

The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all ...

Happy wife, happy life

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'


*********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about ...

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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

A man lights up a joint after refuelling his car.

A man was refueling his car when he lost concentration and the petrol began to overflow, splashing all over him. He dries himself off and pays for the petrol before getting in his car and continuing on his way.

A little while later he was driving down the road and decided to light up a joint ...

Dog in heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad...

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes...

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

you have heard "A pint is a pound" ...

.. and that is a seriously high petrol price.

I know. It's not that good. Nor even that funny.

But it's coming. Happy Halloween.

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