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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

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little johnny and little susie are working together In a factory

little susie says "you know it's a beautiful day and I don't want to work anymore, I bet you that I can get the boss to give me the day off"
Little johnny says "oh yeah how you going to do that ?"
She says watch this the boss is coming.
she gets up and hangs herself upside down from the r...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz infl...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

Somethings just can't be explained

Possibly NSFW I forgot the tag in the title

A farmer went to milk his cow one morning. Just as the bucket was almost full, the cow knocked it over with her left leg. The farmer took some rope and tied the cow's left leg to a post on the left. He sat down to milk the cow again and again as the...

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Pa...

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

A man is having a house built in Kansas

A man is having a house built in Kansas. He drives to the site to see how its going. The crew is hanging up rafters with suspicious looking braces.

The man finds the General Contractor and asks him about the braces.

"Oh, them. Them, there's called Hurricane Ties." says the GC

"...

There are some things you just can’t explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was si...

If Jesus appears to you...

Ask him to bevel-cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus.

There's this newcomer to a small Southern town.

His first Sunday there, he walks into town, excited to praise the Lord in his new church with his new neighbors.

But glowering faces step out from the darkness behind the open doors before he even makes it up the stairs. The congregation tells him he has to go to "his" church, which is on the...

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

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Susie and Johnny work the typical nine to five, one day Susie turns to johnny and says, "you know what its a nice day I bet you I can get the boss to give me the day off....

To johnnies surprise he asks her how shes going to do that, she says watch me. So the boss walks in for his usual team check up and Susie is hanging upside down from the rafters. Furios but concerned the boss asks her what shes doing, to which Susie replies, Im a light bulb look at me, so the boss s...

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

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So there's an Irish family who live in the countryside (a bit of a long one here)

And the closest town is about a mile away. They make their money from a little bit of farming, but mostly from the milk that their cow produces.

So one day, the father wakes up and goes outside, and sees that the family cow has died. Stricken with grief, he kills himself on the spot. When his...

The Cow Did

So on an Irish farm they had a cow.

This cow was the only means of survival for the farmer and his family.

One day the farmer goes out to feed the cow and the cow was dead.

The farmer was so distraught he hung himself in the barn.

The farmer's wife comes out and sees th...

How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back t...

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The Milk Cow

There once was a family that owned a milk cow. This milk cow was quite amazing, because with all of the extra milk the cow produced the family was able to sell all of the excess and live quite well.

One day, the father of the family went outside to milk the cow. But something was wrong, it wa...

A man walks into a bar...

As he enters, he notices the smallest person he's ever seen sitting up on the bar playing a tiny piano. Not wanting to offend he ignore's him and asks the bartender for a drink. After an hour or so drowning his sorrows the man asks the bartender for the rest room.

The bartender says: "It's i...

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First submission to /jokes, and it's an old one about women making sandwiches.

Three riveters take their lunch break up on the rafters of a high rise. The first one opens his lunch pail and turns to the others, "Goddamn Ham & Swiss *again.* Fifteen years of marriage, and every day it's the same thing. I swear, if my wife makes me one more Ham & Swiss, I'm ending it....

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