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When I was in the shop today, I saw a book that said "Guide how to solve 50% of your problems"

so I bought 2 of them

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Memory problems

My dad’s getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.

But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he’s ever taken.

He has a crap memory.

How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?

“North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.”

Newlyweds and their problems

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."


T...

Problems at the door

I got sent home from work after the HR manager told me to leave my problems at the door.
She wasn't happy when I asked her to step outside.

Why do so many restaurants have financial problems?

Because there's no Accounting for Taste.

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

If you're having crypto problems, I feel bad for you son.

I've got 99 dollars but a bit ain't one

Only in math problems…

can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

If you ever meet a chemist, make sure to tell him all your life's problems.

He'll have a solution for sure.

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Therapist: "So, what do you think is the reason for you to have problems socializing?"

Me: "Well, that's for YOU to find out, you stupid cunt!"

Being married is solving problems together.

Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

I don’t get how people have problems with diversity in Lord of the Rings

Legolas has been an arrow ace the whole time.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the deacons met an...

As an endocrinologist, I have problems with pleasuring women.

I can’t even make a hormone!

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Why does Curt Connors have marital problems?

Because of his reptile disfunction

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

I'm having memory problems, I can only remember things from about two years ago.

Hindsight is 2020.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month, he goes back for a checkup.  The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet.  I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I'...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

One of the problems with being a waitress at a strip club is...

You only get the tips.

In Soviet Era, the local party boss tells people to gather around the main city square and declares: Comrades! Come forth and let us know of your problems and complaints, I'll see to them personally.

Everyone remains silent in fear, but then suddenly Comrade Petrov steps forth and starts complaining: Akh! Comrade we are so miserable! We work so hard in the cold! There's nothing to eat! Our wages are unfair! The medicines don't work when we're ill! Bureaucrats demand bribes to get work done! The ...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor

“Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

The doc says "Let's check you out.”

As he looks into the man's ear with his otoscope he says "It looks like there is some sort of foreign object in here.”

The doc takes his tweezers and pulls it out.

“It's a suppository,” the doc expl...

Three men meet Saint Peter at the Holy Gates......

.......and Saint Peter demands that they recount their deeds in life!

The first man steps up. "I was a doctor," he says. "I could've gone into private practice and made a lot of money, but I preferred to take care of the poor and impoverished. I like to think that I brought happiness into ...

They say you can spend christmas with up to 10 people without problems...

But who knows 10 people without problems.

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Sex Therapy

Seems to be pretty old joke,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong...

Hearing problems

Two retired elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.

He said "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad y...

"Doctor, I have problems with my eyesight.”

“Damn straight you do. This is a hot dog stand."

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