Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

Jewish dilemma?

Free ham.

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

Burial dilemma.

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $5,000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a l...

I have a dilemma. They say you should always give 100%, and I was raised to give 110%...

but... I am at the blood center.

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I’ll definitely be on the naughty list.

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Two people want to have sex but have a dilemma

A boyfriend and his girlfriend wanted to have sex but the problem was that the boy shared a bunk bed with his brother where he was on top. He said to his girlfriend that they should pretend they are making sandwiches. Tomato is code for faster and cheese is ...

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What's a dilemma?

What's a dilemma?
A student asked his professor,
" what is the definition of a dilemma?"
The Professor said, " well, nothing.
The best is an example for illustration."
" imagine lying in a big bed with
A beautiful naked young woman on one side.
And homosexual man on the other si...

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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An Ethical Dilemma

You are playing in the club championship knockout final and the match was all square at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 7 iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it de...

A farmer's dilemma

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and p...

Emma's dilemma

Lady next door: What happened to your face?

Emma: My husband hit me.

Lady next door: Isn't he out of city?

Emma: I also thought so.

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Boss's Dilemma

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on th...

A College Dilemma

I recently discovered that I'm allergic to dairy and as a result I've missed milkshakes terribly.

Today I decided to see what kind of damage I could do with chocolate almond milk and frozen bananas.

I live in an apartment complex (the dorms), and for some reason while I was doing this ...

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General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma

There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have penises drawn on them.

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided ...

A pencil sketch artists' greatest dilemma.....

2B or not 2B?

Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma

When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?

The Penguin Dilemma!

There's a truck driver hauling a load of Penguins going to the Zoo and his truck breaks down, so along comes another truck driver, stops and ask him if he needs help.
The truck driver says he has to get this load of Penguins to the zoo on time. The other truck driver says "well my trailers empty...

Blonde Breakfast Dilemma

A man watches as his blonde girlfriend comes downstairs to make breakfast.

At first she attempts to lift the stove, struggles, and sighs.

Next she tries lifting the microwave, again to no avail. Finally she lifts the toaster and smiles, makes toast and eats her breakfast.

This...

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What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother?

She learns her son is gay, but he's dating a doctor.

What's the biggest dilemma of libraries

Deciding where to put the bible, fiction or non-fiction

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The Greek dilemma:

If you are swimming in a sea of shit and someone throws a turd at you, do you duck?

Dam's biggest dilemma...

Dammed if I do, damned if I don't.

Mickey's Yellow Snow Dilemma...

Mickey was angry because somebody was writing "Mickey sucks" in yellow snow outside of his front door every time it snowed. He ended up going to his friend who was a cop to ask for help. The cop checked it out and took some photos and samples. A couple of days later the cop came back to Mickey:
"...

Dilemma

If you had to choose between your wife or a million dollars, which car would you buy first?

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

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Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together.

Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job.


On Friday, he watches them all through the...

A worker was on a billboard.

He was putting up a new ad for the restaurant below it. This restaurant had come up with a clever new ad campaign and the worker was proud to be a part of it.

However, people started yelling at the worker from the ground, complaining that he was doing the restaurant a disservice with the ad h...

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What do you get when you cross a Jew and a cop?

A moral dilemma.

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An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

If you can't decide whether to buy real flowers or fake ones

do you have a floral dilemma?

Hear about the mushroom who had to make a tough choice?

It was a big morrel dilemma.

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Voodoo Dick [Long]

a husband married a wife and the wife was the horny type, he had to satisfy her often. but when he had to go away on a business trip he found that his wife would most likely cheat on him. so he went to the nearest pawnshop and shared these details with them. they offered him a voodoo dick, the husba...

What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?

Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.

A guy decides to try horseback riding...

... even though he has had no lessons nor prior experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the guy begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but can...

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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off...

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

Rabbi Joke (oldie)

A woman comes in to see her Rabbi and says "my husband doesn't listen to anything I say, I think he doesn't appreciate me!"

"You are right" replies the Rabbi nodding solemnly, and the woman leaves satisfied.

The next day, the husband comes into see the Rabbi and says "my wife told me t...

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The three tortures.

A tourist got lost hiking in some mountains in China. It started snowing so he decided to seek shelter. He came upon a tall tower with light in the window, so he pounded on the door. A little old Chinese man opened the door.

"WHAT YOU WAN' ROUND EYE"

Shocked that the old man spoke engl...

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A baby was born in South Africa.

The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales.

The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea.

"Five miles west, there's ...

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A harrowed looking man was braving through jagged mountains looking for a wise monk.

On finding him he quickly paid his respects and got to stating his dilemma. "By dumb luck, I am to marry the most beautiful women in my town. But.."

"Go on. Isn't it a time for celebration? Whats bothering you?", encouraged the monk with a peaceful smile. "But my penis is too small." the man...

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A young Jew wants to get married...

...but he has a major dilemma, so he goes to see a wise rabbi.

'Rabbi! I'd like to get married, but tell me: what should I do? Should I marry a super hot girl who'll cheat on me every other month or an ugly one who I know will only be mine?'

To which the rabbi replies:

'Well, so...

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients.

One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".

The other voice in his head says "...

A National Geographic journalist visits a remote village...

...on an unexplored, untouched island in the South Pacific. He is welcomed by the villagers with open arms, and a great feast in his honor is given. All the villagers and the journalist eat their fill until they cannot possibly take another bite. The journalist retires to a bed the villagers prepare...

Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it ...

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realiz...

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Learned in church camp when I was 10 or 11. The only joke I know.

So there was this yellow toad, he wants to be green like his buddies. He goes to the Dr. and gets a blood transfusion to turn himself green. A while later he returns to the Dr. "Hey doc, you did a good job. But I have one problem...my dick is still yellow". The Dr. tells the toad that he can't do an...

Two warring nations....(kinda long)

Two warring nations have been fighting over their "holy land" for hundreds upon hundreds of years. One day, they decide to send their best philosopher to a duel of knowledge, to determine who truly deserves the "holy land". The only dilemma is neither nation speaks the same language.

So the t...

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

Offside rule for women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

I...

An Australian man decides to visit New York City...

An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemm...

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

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What is your favorite Joke? I'll start with mine

A young man named david had recently asked the love of his life out on a date for dinner and a movie and hopefully a little bit of fun at her place afterward. this was all well and good, despite one small issue. david had never "been" with a women before.
To get past this dilemma, he asked his f...

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What to Wear

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie....

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A hunting story.

So three buddies were on a hunting trip in the mountains. It had been an exhausting trip but they had managed to kill a couple of dear and were back at their campsite late at night. One of them was facing the dilemma of answering nature's call or just simply crashing into his sleeping bag for the ni...

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A girl brings a guy back home, forgetting that she shares a bunk bed with her young brother...

They're both so horny that they can't not-sleep with each other, despite the child on the bunk below them.

While caught in this dilemma, he decides to set up a code system so that the brother doesn't realize what's up:

"Alright, if you want me to go harder, say lettuce; if you want me ...

Closing Time at the Bowling Alley

My own "accidental humor" (True Story)

One night, my friends and I were out bowling, and it was getting late. Around the eight frame, the manager said, over the intercom, "We'll be closing in ten minutes," but we figured we had enough time to finish our game.

In the ninth frame, he an...

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