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Difficulty Jokes

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

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My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level...

And let me tell you
That was no easy feat.

Y'know, it's not surprising the wildfires in Rhodes are having difficulty being contained.

After all, you're not supposed to put water on a Greece fire.

What do you say to someone having difficulty peeing?

Urine trouble

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

Why did the disabled driver had difficulty getting his Honda between the two stationary Toyotas?

He had Parallel Parkinson's disease.

People in Athens always have difficulty waking up

Dawn is tough on Greece.

(coworkers joke heard today)

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

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I was having difficulty to get it hard during sex..

My partner said to me

Hey babe why UBISOFT?

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

Two triangles are having difficulty buying an apartment.

It turns out they needed to cosine.

What do you call a Chinese guy who has difficulty standing?

Li-Ning

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

Have difficulty in sleeping? Try this small trick and you will be asleep even before you finish doing this.

Start counting numbers from 1 to infinity.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?

Because they can't put their finger on it.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

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I'm starting a support group for men who have difficulty ejaculating

Let us know if you can't come

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

As a child I had difficulty putting things down

It's a habit I can't seem to let go.

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

The shy wife

A friend of mine is married to a very shy woman, one who has much difficulty talking about anything related to s-e-x, and her husband was her first and only partner, though she knew he had had some experience prior to their wedding night. It was no surprise, then, that it took her five years to sum...

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?

Man: It’s a lime.

Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?

The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.

Woman: Is everything ok?

Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.

The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.

As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
...

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy ...

Son asks his father for a gift

Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday

Dad: - What do you want Son

Son: - I need a Bitcoin

Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish

So if you're having difficulty getting something done, it's probably because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

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Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottl...

An Irishman goes to buy some wellies

The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers...

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnn...

Just came up with this, as far as I know

A man walks into a gastroenterologist’s office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. “Sir, why don’t you come over here so we can get you checked i...

I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

How did you find it?" he asked.

I said, "With difficulty."

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Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says.

The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”

New Priest

A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession. One day, after several hours in the confessional, he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repe...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

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A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

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Paul and Barry...

Paul and Barry were out walking past a lake.

They saw a pregnant woman swimming suddenly get into difficulty and started to drown, quickly they pulled her to safety.

She wasn't breathing so Barry starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Paul quickly opens her legs and puts h...

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor

were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked l...

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

An elderly man went in to see his doctor

Man: “I no longer seem to be able to maintain an erection, and it’s beginning to cause a strain on my marriage!”
Dr: “I see... and when did you first notice that you were having difficulty?”
Man: “twice last night and once this morning”

A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

A break in the routine

A famous clown was performing his routine on stage. After a particularly funny gag, an audience member in the front row clutched his chest and crumbled out of his seat to the floor.

The clown immediately broke off his routine. He leapt off the stage to attend to the man. “I think I’m having ...

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

Life is like a video game

Most of us play on easy difficulty, some on medium, then there is Africa playing on hardcore.

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

What do ugly women and old men have in common?

They both have difficulty getting an erection.

Why is Trump a good conversationalist?

He has no difficulty breaking the ice.

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