I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

Difficulty Levels

Dyslexic vegans must be having the worst 2020 because of carnivorous.

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My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

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A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

People in Athens always have difficulty waking up

Dawn is tough on Greece.

(coworkers joke heard today)

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I was having difficulty to get it hard during sex..

My partner said to me

Hey babe why UBISOFT?

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My therapist tells me that I have difficulty identifying my emotions.

Not quite sure how to feel about that.

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A — G and P — Z.

The problem’s H to O.

What do you call a Chinese guy who has difficulty standing?

Li-Ning

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

Two triangles are having difficulty buying an apartment.

It turns out they needed to cosine.

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Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says.

The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”

Just came up with this, as far as I know

A man walks into a gastroenterologist’s office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. “Sir, why don’t you come over here so we can get you checked i...

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

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I'm starting a support group for men who have difficulty ejaculating

Let us know if you can't come

Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?

Because they can't put their finger on it.

What has two fat thumbs and difficulty typing?

Rgua fyt!!

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

The Trids and the Rabbi

Once there was a rabbi who was a happy hermit living by himself in some hills far away from anyone else. It wasn’t that he didn’t like people, he just found that being alone was satisfying.

Every day, the rabbi would walk through the woods in the hills. So familiar with the woods was he that ...

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A retired Marine walks into a bar...

with a noticeable limp from combat injuries. He hobbles up to the bar and asks for a whiskey. He sees a familiar face at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Marine buys Jesus a whiskey.

A frail, hunchback woman comes in the bar,...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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Paul and Barry...

Paul and Barry were out walking past a lake.

They saw a pregnant woman swimming suddenly get into difficulty and started to drown, quickly they pulled her to safety.

She wasn't breathing so Barry starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Paul quickly opens her legs and puts his...

As a child I had difficulty putting things down

It's a habit I can't seem to let go.

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

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A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

How did you find it?" he asked.

I said, "With difficulty."

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?

Man: It’s a lime.

Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?

The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.

Woman: Is everything ok?

Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

An elderly man went in to see his doctor

Man: “I no longer seem to be able to maintain an erection, and it’s beginning to cause a strain on my marriage!”
Dr: “I see... and when did you first notice that you were having difficulty?”
Man: “twice last night and once this morning”

Men often work just as hard for a baby as women do.

You have no idea what I had to go through to make my first baby.

First I had to dress really nice..

I took my wife out to some high fancy, upper class restaurant, I made small talk with her for an hour while I consciously avoided the basketball game on TV to pay attention to her instea...

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnn...

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy ...

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A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

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