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Warsaw Jokes

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

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Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the ...

Lenin in Warsaw

At an art exhibition in Moscow, there is a picture showing Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's wife, in bed with a young member of the Komsomol. The title of the picture is "Lenin in Warsaw." A bewildered visi- tor asks a guide: "But where is Lenin?" The guide replies quietly and with dignity: "Lenin i...

Election results are coming in from Warsaw

So we’ll soon see who’s leading the Poles.

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Did you hear about the frog that had family from Warsaw?

He was a Tad-Pole

An old joke from the Warsaw-pact about a parachuted CIA agent.

The CIA agent is parachuted down to somewhere in Siberia and goes to the nearest village and knocks on the first door, saying he's a lumberjack from the neighbouring village asking for shelter, to which the Russian replies

"No, you're an American spy!"

and then closes the door.
...

I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

What's the most popular dance in Warsaw?

The pole dance.

Did you hear about the frog that traced his lineage back to Warsaw?

He was a tad polish.

Back during the Solidarity days the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank...

What is the Polish Combat Weapon of Choice?

The warsaw.

What is a Soviet's favorite food?

Polish Sausage, because it's Warsaw-packed.

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

Which city suffers from PTSD?

Warsaw.

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International train ride to FaceslapVille

A Pole, a Russian, a nun, and a blonde ride the train from Warsaw to Szczebrzeszyn

Suddenly, a tunnel appears and the lights are out.

Then BAM! A faceslap!

Train reemerges from the tunnel and the Russian has a red face

The Nun thinks: "He must've grabbed the thigh of the...

Whats so good about german cars?

They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank

Terrible Math Joke

A plane takes off from Warsaw about midday with a full passenger load. Before take-off, the pilot himself had run through all of the safety and pre-flight checks and everything had fit the bill, so he felt pretty confident about this flight. The weather was perfect, the passengers were happy, but af...

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell ...

How long is the flight?

A Polish man calls up an airline.

"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"

"One minute..."

"Thank you." *click*

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Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time y...

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Two Jewish Men in 1944 Poland Have a Plan To Kill Hitler

Back in 1944 in the Warsaw ghetto, two Jewish men have planned to try to kill Hitler. They have discovered his travel route, they know the exact time-table, and they know he will pass close by to a nearby government building at exactly 7:00 PM. So, the two men make their plans, knowing that their ...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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