Russians Jokes

So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g... read more

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

Inter-nyet

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

There were no survivors

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
... read more

Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl... read more

so they have something to wave when they surrender

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,... read more

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One... read more

Two.

One to control the steering wheel, and one to go flag down the Ukrainian farmer to give them a lift.

The 80's have truly come back in fashion.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

If it's a russian officer, they throw up one hand at the top, if a Ukrainian officer, then two.

For the Ruble (this is my first, please don't kick me)

They use their flexibility in other ways, too! It's the only country where there are regularly suicides with bullets to the *back* of the head.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He... read more

Why do the Russians paint Z on everything?
Because the swastika was already taken.

No, I corrected, I just said they were glowing!

*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 o... read more

About 200,000

but they can't because they have no control

Russians.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill... read more

Oops, wrong sub

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they
accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they... read more

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ... read more

They're saying, " You see this piece of land? We're keeping it."

- Jimmy Carr