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Squirm Jokes

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

I was having a prostate exam...

Me:*squirms

Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an erection at a time like this.

So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

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Little Johnny was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention...

and the teacher kept noticing it and went back there to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he just had recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to phone his mother, and ask her what he ...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

Settlers

So settlers are traveling across the west in a wagon train, and they stop for the night. They circle the wagons, and two guys take up sentry duty as the other settlers sleep.

From the darkness they hear a sound off in the distance.

^(BOOM boom boom boom... BOOM boom boom boom.)

...

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A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

An old man goes fishing

An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.

The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."

The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.

On the drive, the frog starts squirming ...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

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God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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Teacher decides to illustrate how damaging cigarettes and alcohol are

by doing a demonstration in class. First he puts a live worm in alcohol and worm, after squirming a lot, dies as expected. Then he places another live worm into a jar, blows some cigarette smoke inside before closing it. As expected, worm dies after a few minutes. With demonstration finished, he ask...

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the ...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

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The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]

Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission. Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.

The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand. As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.

Next,...

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Wonder woman

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was g...

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

What is a worm's favorite city in Alabama?

Squirming-ham

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

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An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.


"Today's word is *definitely*. Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"


"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.


"Actuall...

What do worms and girls have in common?

They both squirm when you eat them

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...

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Superman is flying around on patrol,

when he sees Wonder Woman nude on a rooftop. She is squirming and moaning. Superman says to himself, "I can fly down there and fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know it." So he flys down, gives a few good pumps and flys away. Wonder Woman pops up and screams, "What the fuck was that?" The Invisible...

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Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my supe...

Dinner

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. S...

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Magic Dildo

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she w...

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

Honk if you love jesus!

The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in th...

A rabbit and a worm, both blind from birth, run into each other in the forest..

The rabbit hurriedly apologizes stating that he was born blind and never meant to cause any trouble.

The worm quickly responds that he too was born blind and, on top of it all, was abandoned so he did not even know what he was.

Not believing his luck, the rabbit responds that he too d...

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A blonde walks into a sex shop

She goes to the toys and starts browsing at the dildos, after a few minutes the cashier comes and ask her what she's looking for.
"Well I have multiple toys, and nothing really seems to satisfy me" she says.
As she says that she hears an awful racket coming from the back, "What's that?" she as...

A little boy wanted to go see Santa...

So he asked him mother to take him. His mom told him "Honey, I have business to take care of but if you behave yourself after my errands I'll take you to see Santa."

So the little boy manages to behave all day, and as promised his mom takes him to see Santa. He is fidgeting and squirming aro...

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A guy had a small penis..

And he was super self conscious about it. He had never been able to pleasure a woman properly. Every doctor he'd been to told him he was out of luck until, after years of searching, he found one from India that suggested,

"In my country we have a procedure where we can graft a piece of baby...

Oh well...

A man is concerned about the state of his marriage. He decides to spice things up, he leaves work early and comes home to find his wife, under the covers in bed napping. Without waking her up, he slides under the blanket and goes down on her. She starts moaning, squirming, and finally finishes. He g...

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Little Johnny joke

Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, "Teacher, I need to go take a shit!" She told him to sit down. "You can't go to the bathroom until you have used definitely in a sentence."

He thought...

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Three man are stuck on an island...

Soon they are held hostage by the local tribesmen. After being taken to the king they are told that they are to go back in the bushes for a fruit.

The first one comes with a lime. They told him to stick it up his ass, but if he makes any noise at all he will be killed. After sticking the lime...

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(Long) An Irish priest is in a bar the night before mass....

with his buddy, Patrick. The priest tells Patrick, "Me bicycle got stolen today, and bein this is such a small town, I don't wanna call the police and get someone in all kinds a trouble, but I need me bike back."

Patrick tells the priest that tomorrow during mass, since the entire town would ...

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

A woman came home and told her husband

, “Honey, you know that headache that’s been bothering me all these years? I’m finally cured!”

“Cured?” the man asked, “How did that happen?”

“My friend Johanna recommended that I go see a hypnotist. The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘I don’t have a heada...

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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.


As they were taking off, the man let out a sneeze, then took a napkin out from his pocket and reached into his pants and patted down his crotch region. The woman, being polite, pretended not to not...

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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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A man goes to the doctor about a little problem.

"Doctor, I have just met the most perfect woman. My problem is, my penis is all but non-existent. Can you help me?"

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "We have three options. The first involves pills that will increase your size. The second is physical therapy to stretch you longer. The...

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

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Three guys are lost in a jungle

They run into a group of cannibals and out of fear, ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safe...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.

St. Peter said "My son,...

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Blonde jokes

1. Why don't blondes like to make kool aid? They can't fit 8 quarters of water in that little package

2. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm

3. How does a blonde turn on a light after sex? She opens the car door

4. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitch...

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Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks....

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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to ...

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