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Stab Jokes

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight

A Snackrifice

A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.

Preacher says, God is in your heart

Did you hear about the celebrity who got stabbed her name is Reece something

Witherspoon?

No with a knife

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

Patient: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?

Doctor: Just take the spoon out of your cup.

If someone stabs me, I stab them back, no questions asked

The surgeon had some questions though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting stabbed.

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

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