I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

If someone stabs me, I stab them back, no questions asked

The surgeon had some questions though

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

Gonna take a stab at a Viking joke

There is Norway Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bloke!

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Hope y'all get stabbed and purged this year

*...stabbed with the covid vaccine, and purged of all ailments*

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Did you hear about the guy who got stabbed over a Rolex?

It was for the watch

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?

She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

What did they call Tech Support before gun powder?

Trouble stabbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started therapy the other day

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

Hear about the golfer who stabbed a Mexican?

It was a hole in Juan.

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

Oh no! A robber broke into my house and stabbed me!

But that's ok cus I'm in the living room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Word on the street OJ Simpson is getting married again..

Sounds like he wanted to take another stab at it.

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

Why should you never trust an acupuncturist?

They always stab you in the back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

What do you call a head of lettuce when you stab it repeatedly?

A Caesar salad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the ...

Jack the Ripper goes to the Dr. with a stabbing pain...

Dr says, "Tell me more".

Jack says " My whole shoulder is sore".

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

A Brazilian Man just died and went to hell

Satan looks at the man and says: “You’re not in hell just yet. Because you’re from Brazil, I’m going to let you choose a hell of your own desires.”

The Brazilian Man said: “I hate Brazil. Let’s try the American Hell.”

He went to the American Hell, was stabbed by 2 Pitch Forks by demon...

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma showed up at the doctor with a knife in her knee.

- Doctor : what the hell happened?
- I wanted to kill myself, said Grandma
- Doctor : Yeah but you stabbed your knee...
- Grandma : Well they told me 2 fingers under tits

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

What is it called when you stab a milkshake?

Shakespeare

(credit to my brother)

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

My Friend stabbed me with a pencil...

He drew blood

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

I used to be good friends with an acupuncturist

until he stabbed me in the back

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog

One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt

Why does the river Clyde run through Glasgow?

If it walked, it would get stabbed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

Canoe (NSFW)

One day three explorers venture out into a jungle.
They stumble across a very hostile tribe and get captured.

Next the chief of the tribe comes to them and says “We are going to kill you and use four skin for canoes, but you get to choose how you die.” So all of the explores begin thinki...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.