UPJOKE
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Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

I just read that in New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds...

Poor guy

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

A man was arrested for stabbing..

when the police confronted him he said, officer, I was standing on the corner cleaning my nails with my knife, and this man came running. He ran right into my knife, eight times.

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

How do you kill a French vampire?

You have to stab him/her with a baguette.

It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

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they say the guy who fucked up SEPtember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember as the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th month should get stabbed.

*have i got news for you*

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

if you stab it enough.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

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my therapist said time heals all wounds

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

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Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

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3 men get lost

3 men get lost whilst hiking in the Amazon one day, a French man, an English man, and a New Yorker. When trying to find help a tribe of indigenous people jump out at them and say, "your on sacred ground so we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes, but we aren't that crazy so we will...

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

Friends are like balloons.

If you stab them, they die.

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Satan is giving a new demon trainee a tour of Hell

Their first stop is a huge cauldron full of lava, completely surrounded by frantic demons punching, kicking, and stabbing at the occupants.

The demon asks Satan, "what's going on over there?"

Satan replies, "Oh, that's for the Jews. Boy, they're a lot of trouble. Any time one of them t...

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

Why did the serial killer make a public broadcast?

He wanted to e-stab-lish himself.

Did you hear about the guy who got stabbed over a Rolex?

It was for the watch

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

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Man walks in a kitchen bent over

Wife, shocked, asks him what is wrong with him. He explains that he was merely getting dressed when he felt stabbing pain in the back and now he can't straighten himself up. "You need to see a doctor" she suggest. "oh, I'm going there right away." In the afternoon wife comes home and husband is perf...

What is it called when you stab a milkshake?

Shakespeare

(credit to my brother)

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

Why can't blonds ever stab someone in their sleep?

Because *sleep* isn't a body part.

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

Jack the Ripper goes to the Dr. with a stabbing pain...

Dr says, "Tell me more".

Jack says " My whole shoulder is sore".

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

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