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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

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they say the guy who fucked up SEPtember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember as the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th month should get stabbed.

*have i got news for you*

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

If someone stabs me, I stab them back, no questions asked

The surgeon had some questions though

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

Friends are like balloons.

If you stab them, they die.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

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Three guys are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will be put to death and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. But they can each choose their manner of death.

The first guy says he wants it to be quick and requests to be thrown off a cliff. So they tie him up and toss him off a cliff. The second g...

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

Did you hear about the guy who got stabbed over a Rolex?

It was for the watch

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

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Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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What is the difference between a dick and an asshole?

An asshole smiles at your face, say good things about you which he doesn't mean and stabs you in the back.

A dick on the other hand, is always a pain in the ass.

What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy...

It was a hole in Juan.

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

Jack the Ripper goes to the Dr. with a stabbing pain...

Dr says, "Tell me more".

Jack says " My whole shoulder is sore".

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

Why can't blonds ever stab someone in their sleep?

Because *sleep* isn't a body part.

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

Any salad is a caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Repost from r/showerthoughts

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My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

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