UPJOKE
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Stab Jokes

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

If someone stabs me, I stab them back, no questions asked

The surgeon had some questions though

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight

A Snackrifice

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

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Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

Did you hear about the celebrity who got stabbed her name is Reece something

Witherspoon?

No with a knife

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.

Preacher says, God is in your heart

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

A joke from ancient Rome

Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity."

The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!"

And so the first said, "Thank you for th...

Patient: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?

Doctor: Just take the spoon out of your cup.

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

What is it called when you stab a milkshake?

Shakespeare

(credit to my brother)

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting stabbed.

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

What do you call a head of lettuce when you stab it repeatedly?

A Caesar salad

Why can't blonds ever stab someone in their sleep?

Because *sleep* isn't a body part.

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

Any salad is a caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Repost from r/showerthoughts

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

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My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

When Jesus was stabbed on the cross

He became even more holey

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

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