I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something....

“Witherspoon?”












No with her knife!!!!

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Hear about the golfer who stabbed a Mexican?

It was a hole in Juan.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

Why did the alcoholic beverage stab the woman?

Tequila

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school

Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “tell me April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April l and the teacher sai...

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

Canoe (NSFW)

One day three explorers venture out into a jungle.
They stumble across a very hostile tribe and get captured.

Next the chief of the tribe comes to them and says “We are going to kill you and use four skin for canoes, but you get to choose how you die.” So all of the explores begin thinki...

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

A detective is trying to solve a murder mystery

A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.

The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

Everytime I see someone sitting on an exercise ball at work, I always want to stab them.

The person, not the ball.

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

Arrested

Went into a store the other day and got caught stabbing boxes in the breakfast food aisle . The charge? Cereal killer.

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

A Frenchman is arrested for murder

He is convicted by an eye-witness acount. He then breaks out of jail and stabs his witness with a baguette. The witness' son sees this and stabs the killer with another baguette.
Vengeance baguettes more vengeance.

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

Jack the Ripper goes to the Dr. with a stabbing pain...

Dr says, "Tell me more".

Jack says " My whole shoulder is sore".

Did you hear Kit Harrington was stabbed while being mugged?

For the watch.

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

What’s black and white and red all over?

A nun with stab wounds.

I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

A coworker just asked me to grab a fork and stab her in the neck.

I told her to go fork herself.

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

What do you call a head of lettuce when you stab it repeatedly?

A Caesar salad

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A teacher asked her students

To tell a story and the moral for that story. Alice told a story.

'A man bought a basketful of eggs from the market. He imagine becoming rich by hatching the eggs and having the chicken lay more eggs, and so on. He then tripped and dropped his basket of eggs. The moral of this story, don' t p...

-Officer Johnson here...

\-*Officer, go ahead.*

\-We responded to a call about a woman who stabbed his husband 38 times after he walked in on the floor still wet. We're at the location.

\-*Copy, Officer Johnson. Have you arrested the woman yet?*

\-Negative, we're waiting for the floor to dry.

Word has it that OJ is getting re-married

Sounds like he's taking another stab at it.

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

What is it called when you stab a milkshake?

Shakespeare

(credit to my brother)

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

Friends are a lot like penguins

If you stab them, they die

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My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

My Friend stabbed me with a pencil...

He drew blood

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

The Rusky and the Kraut

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (a...

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

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Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

Try and try again until you succeed

Common policy followed in most stabbing

What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog

One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

Don and his friend Eva we’re exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project

Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, “Eva can I stab bats in a cave”. She said “no don”. Don then said, “Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave”. She again said, “no don”.

The robot stabbing

What's the robot equivalent of a poisoned dagger?



A flash drive with a computer virus.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American were venturing through the Amazon rainforest

When they got ambushed by a tribe of warriors. They said, "You are trespassing on our sacred land, so we must kill you and make canoes out of your skin. However, we will let you choose how you wish to die". The Frenchman asked for poison, the Englishman askes for a gun and the American asked for a f...

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Pirate

So a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “how are you doing pirate? haven’t seen you in a long time“
The pirate says “doing great, just came back from a very successful series of raids”
The bartender says “really!? You look terrible. What happened to your leg?“
The pirate says ...

One of my art students made a voodoo doll of me after I SPECIFICALLY told her not to.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.

Why can't blonds ever stab someone in their sleep?

Because *sleep* isn't a body part.

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

Some guy got stabbed in a motel near me last week.

I guess you could call it a bled and breakfast.

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

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