This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Woman asks her husband, “What are you trying to do thrusting yourself into that little plastic bear?”

Man replies “Nuttin’ Honey”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thrusting

A man is waiting at the reception of a hotel. As he was just about to ask a question he accidentally thrust his elbow between the bosom of a woman standing behind him. He turns around and says 'Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breasts you will probably forgive me', to which the woman responds:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a prick...

An elephant is walking through the jungle and steps on a large thorn. He cries out! There is no way for him to pul it out... and every step, is a nightmare. After several failed attempts, he begins to cry in frustration.

A large ant is walking through the vicinity, and sees the pitiful eleph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking in the desert...

A man was walking in the desert, however he is now lost. He has survived for two weeks already, but he is craving for sex. In week three he sees a camel. Because the man is so desperate for sex, he turns a bucket he collected upside-down and starts thrusting towards the camel.

The camel howev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple goes out for dinner to the same restaurant they'd had their first date at 50 years before...

They have a little wine and grow tipsy. The lady asks her husband, "Do you remember what happened the first time you took me to this restaurant?"

"Yes," the old guy says with a wink. "I took you out back and made love to you up against the back fence."

She takes another sip of wine. "I...

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited a sex shop...

The clerk said to her, "I have something incredible for you...a magic dildo!"

"A magic dildo?" asked the woman. "How does it work?"

"All you have to do is say ''magic dildo" followed by where you want it to go, and it will magically go there and start doing its job."

The woman w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Jonny was sitting at the rear of his English class

The teacher asked if anyone could give a sentence with the word indefinitely

Jonny sticks his hand high up in the air and says ‘pick me, pick me’ the teacher thinks to herself, he’s a rude little bastard, I’m not picking him and picks Mary

Mary stands up and says ‘My brother is really ...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple had just finished up in bed... (nsfw)

They went to go put there clothes on when all of the sudden a bumble bee flies through the window and into the girlfriends lady parts.

Girlfriend - "OH CRAP! THERE'S A BUMBLE BEE IN MY VAGINA!"

Boyfriend - "WE GOTTA GET TO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!!!! HOP IN THE CAR AND LETS GO!"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young girl goes into the doctors office (not a blonde joke)

The doctor has her get undressed. She is the most exquisite woman he's seen. He starts the examination.

He has her open her mouth. All he can think about is putting his penis in there for a blowjob. He starts to feel in her mouth.

Do you know what I'm doing? he asks. Yes, she replies,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina.

The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a
wasp inside me!”

The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation.

After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm making a movie about a man who's been cheated on

Pissed off at his girlfriend, the man has one goal. He wants to have sex with her one last time, only this time it will be a hate-fuck. He pops a viagra and begins his angry thrusting. Immediately before orgasm he has a heart attack and passes away.

The movie shall be titled "Die Hard with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in a mental institution

There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on

The next room...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young lady is sunbathing naked when a bee flies into her vagina...

Her husband starts to panic so he brings her to the nearest hospital. The doctor had idea which involves the husband to put honey on his dick and putting it in her vagina until it stings his dick, then he pulls the bee out as it will be stuck on his dick. So after a few minutes he agrees but couldnt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nelson Mandela...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire -

"Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief," I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.