UPJOKE
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The Knight and the chastity belt

Once upon a time a king was going off to war with his army. But he was worried about his wife's safety while he was away

"Sir Roger, you are my most trusted knight. I'm going to ask you to protect the Queen while I'm away. Here's the key to her chastity belt. It's only to be opened in case I ...

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What do you call a knighted Russian homosexual?

Sergei

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The black knight

A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender gives him his beer and says: ‘Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so it’s best to be gone by then’

The man shrugs it off, ‘yeah yeah I just ...

Which knight made King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

my t-rex friend have recently opened a restaurant for medieval Knights..

For anyone interested, it's name is Dine'O Sir

Why did the knight wear an octopus jacket?

It was his coat of arms

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

Why did the little knight put his lance in the luggage?

For joust in case.

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

Snoopy writes a Batman comic book.

"He is the Dark and Stormy Knight..."

What was the name of the king’s extra knight?

Sir Plus

Do you know what the reward is for the knight that wins the jousting tournament?

I can't tell you - it's a sirprize.

People keep saying chivalry is dead. But, I looked up the definition of chivalry and it has little to do with manners and it is more about knights and combat.

The other day when I didn't open the classroom door for a girl in my class, she said that chivalry is dead. So, I challenged her to a duel.

To conclude, chivalry is not dead. But, that girl is.

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

A knight was about to ride off into battle.

Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.

The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to ...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

What do you call a medieval knight with one leg that’s shorter than the other?

An Angled-Saxon

What would Batman's tomb stone read?

Good Knight

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen?

Sir Loin.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

What do Moonlight and Moon Knight have in common?

The other Oscar isn't real.

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

what do you call a knight made of fine china?

sir ramic

Why are Knights always different colors?

Because they’re always annealing.

KITT from Knight Rider is writing a biography

It's an autobiography.

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

What did the medieval knight say when he got caught doping?

“I was just getting my Lance Armstrong.”

What do you call a knight with a consistent sleep schedule?

Sir Cadian

Did you hear about the knight who used to take his slain enemies' foreskins as trophies?

His name was Sir Cumcision

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

What did the gynaecologist knight say to the queen?

I am at your cervix.

What is it called when Batman gets an erection?

The Dark Knight Rises

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

If a knight in Prague dons his armour

Does that mean the czech is in the mail!?

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

I'd hate to be a knight

They take L's left and right.

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

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What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table?

A *circonference*.

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

How do Knights communicate ?

Chain mail

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TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm

Sir Cum Sized

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

What do you call a knight who only attacks after 8pm?

A Knight of Nights

What's the name of the most popular French knight?

Sir Ender.

Why do dragons like knights?

The come with their own pans.

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

Instructions

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received th...

Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.



The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

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A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants.
They all had i...

I was delivering a sermon to my congregation the other day.

After I mentioned a rude joke that compared The Dark Knight Rises to the torturous pits of Hell, I saw one man angrily stand up and storm out. I was in complete shock.


It was the first time I’d ever seen a Christian Bale.

What did people call the knight who lost his foreskin during a battle?

Sir. Cumcision

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself.

Sir tainly

A knight errant one day came across a damsel in the forest outside the Shire. “Fair lady, I offer you my honor,” he said. She replied “Good knight, I honor your offer.”

And that’s how it was, all night long: off her and on her, on her and off her.

Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings”

“He’s Sir Ching”

Once a king, always a king. But once a knight ...

... is enough for any man.

(A joke by my dad.)

Long ago, when Reddit was not yet a website but merely a small Kingdom,

There was a tournament for knights. From all over the kingdoms, knights came to show their prowess. In front of enormous crowds the knights would do their most daring feats of swordplay, showing astounding skill and exemplary control of their weaponry. All except one knight, who consistently did ...

Knight vs dragon

A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts t...

Where do mediaeval soldiers hang out when they're off duty?

At the knight club

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

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A King was about to leave the kingdom for a long journey

However, he was jealous that every servant and Knight in the castle would want to approach his queen.

He therefore created a chopping mechanism that would cut anything that would penetrate his wife. He put that belt around his woman and left.

After three months he returned to the castl...

What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor?

You’ve got mail

What bird regals you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?

Bard owl.

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret.

She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

What do you call a knight who cheats on tests?

Glancelot

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

What be thou name sir knight?

Lost, King Arthur rode through a humble village on his way back from a quest. He finally came across a somewhat weathly looking man in the road and thought he'd perhaps give him directions.

Arthur:
"Sir Knight, what be thoust name?"

Man:
"Cumcisor... "
"Sir Cumcisor"
"An...

An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.



Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with ...

A knight is on a quest. It will be a dark and stormy night...

He sees a monastery and asks for shelter for the night. The monks invite him in. One of them tells him "You are in luck. This is Friday, our fish and chips day. We have the best fish and chips in the realm."

The knight finds that they were right. This was the best fish and chips he has...

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Which knight had a special way of standing during sex?

Sir Cum-stance.

A stupid knight won a jousting tournament.

While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"

The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."

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