What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Dead.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

But after a while, all you want is a club and a spade.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung.

I was too quick with the spade.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

What's the difference between a red bucket and a green spade

One is a red bucket and one is a green spade.

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it)

My Dad told me that marriage can be compared to a deck of cards.

It starts with hearts and rings, but you end up wanting clubs and spades.

My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's

I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced spade

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understo...

I have a few Aces up my sleeve.

In fact, I have them in Spades.

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...

An aging man lived alone in Ireland.

His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.

"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!

At 4 A.M. the next morning a doze...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks....

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,

"Bgah! Why are you hiding tha...

What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?

One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids.

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man goes to the doctor...

He asks his Doctor: "Doctor, I need your help. My wedding is coming up and I need to know, is there any way to tell if my wife is really still a virgin when our special night comes along?"


The doctor tells him: "yes there is" and proceeds to give him a flask with red paint, a flask with b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

I hate it when they tell you that they accept cards

but refuse to accept my seven of spades

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a heart to love her

A diamond to marry her

A club to smash her fucking head in

And a spade to bury the bitch...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Another Tom Swifty

"I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.