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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Dead.

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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What's the difference between a club and a spade?

I don't fucking know, what do I look like? A card-iologist?

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

Marriage is like playing cards

You start off with a heart and a diamond, and soon you’re looking for a club and a spade

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every ...

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A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

Relationships

They are like the suits in a pack of cards,

They start out all hearts and diamonds………..

…….but eventually you wish you had a club and a spade!

What's the difference between a red bucket and a green spade

One is a red bucket and one is a green spade.

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

I wish life was like a bad hand of spades

No Trumps

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.





...I'll see myself out.

If you bury a person in the wrong plot of land, and the only thing you can give their family as compensation are the hand shovels you used...

you've made a grave mistake, and are paying for it in spades

Incompetent Zoo keeper

Dave the young novice Zoo keeper is on his first day of work. He is in the aquatic room, changing a fluorescent tube. One end drops in the tropical fish tank and it instantly electrocutes all the fish. They all float to the surface. He knows if the boss spots this, he'll be instantly fired. He takes...

Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"
"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"
"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."
"What bloody firetruck?"
...

Please Pray for my Mother-in-Law.

She has been taken to hospital as a hornet landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade....

WW2, German military base, early in the morning.

A private walks into the Major's office to give his Night Shift report.

"Nothing to report sir... except that we broke a spade" the private says

"Ah well, carry on. How'd you break a spade though?" the Major asks.

"Well.. while burrying your horse, sir" replies the private
...

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

I like to do my bit for the community.

Just the other day I took a homeless man off the streets.

Now I just need to wipe down my spade.

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's

I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced spade

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

I have a few Aces up my sleeve.

In fact, I have them in Spades.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks....

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving...

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony

Sorry I guess you couldn’t handle the joke

I’m gonna dig up some more

I’ll spade you of any more puns

If you couldn’t sit through that you’re a tool

(Please don’t steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedB...

So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,

"Bgah! Why are you hiding tha...

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

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Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

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Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior...

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

What do you call a man...

With a car on his head? Jack.

In a hole? Phil.

Who always wins? Victor.

With a very loud voice? Mike.

In a pile of leaves? Russel.

Who cleans your house? Dustin.

With no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake? Bob.

Lying in front of your door? Matt....

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

I hate it when they tell you that they accept cards

but refuse to accept my seven of spades

Another Tom Swifty

"I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.

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