What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a club and a spade?

I don't fucking know, what do I look like? A card-iologist?

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

A magician was working on a cruise ship out at sea.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shoutin...

Please Pray for my Mother-in-Law.

She has been taken to hospital as a hornet landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade....

Incompetent Zoo keeper

Dave the young novice Zoo keeper is on his first day of work. He is in the aquatic room, changing a fluorescent tube. One end drops in the tropical fish tank and it instantly electrocutes all the fish. They all float to the surface. He knows if the boss spots this, he'll be instantly fired. He takes...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

I like to do my bit for the community.

Just the other day I took a homeless man off the streets.

Now I just need to wipe down my spade.

Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"
"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"
"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."
"What bloody firetruck?"
...

What's the difference between a red bucket and a green spade

One is a red bucket and one is a green spade.

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

I wish life was like a bad hand of spades

No Trumps

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.
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...I'll see myself out.

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

Why do shovels hate digging up metal?

Because of the irony
I guess you couldn’t handle the joke
I’m gonna dig up some more
I’ll spade you of any more puns
If you couldn’t handle that you’re a tool
This is comedy gold!
Please don’t steel the joke
I’m probably just digging my own grave with this joke

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's

I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced spade

I have a few Aces up my sleeve.

In fact, I have them in Spades.

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,

"Bgah! Why are you hiding tha...

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

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Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior...

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

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[NSFW] A man goes to the doctor...

He asks his Doctor: "Doctor, I need your help. My wedding is coming up and I need to know, is there any way to tell if my wife is really still a virgin when our special night comes along?"


The doctor tells him: "yes there is" and proceeds to give him a flask with red paint, a flask with b...

What do you call a man...

With a car on his head? Jack.

In a hole? Phil.

Who always wins? Victor.

With a very loud voice? Mike.

In a pile of leaves? Russel.

Who cleans your house? Dustin.

With no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake? Bob.

Lying in front of your door? Matt....

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Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

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A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a heart to love her

A diamond to marry her

A club to smash her fucking head in

And a spade to bury the bitch...

I hate it when they tell you that they accept cards

but refuse to accept my seven of spades

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Another Tom Swifty

"I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.

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