UPJOKE
pistachioseedcrankeggcrackpotscrewballenbollockballtestisballocknuttycrunchygonadenthusiast

Nuts Jokes

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

The price of beer nuts...

Are you aware that the price of Beer nuts is now $3.99 per pound while Deer nuts are still under a buck?

Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God



God says to them "You may ask any question of me."

The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?

God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."

The fir...

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

Why is joking about old mens nuts so easy?

It's low hanging fruit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuts

It you put nuts on a chest, what do you have? Chestnuts
If you put nuts on a wall, what do you have? Walnuts
If you put nuts on your chin, what do you have? I'd say you have a dick in your mouth.

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

A nut wants to tell you a secret

You are minding your own business when you hear a "psstt" sound appearing to come from a bag of nuts in your pantry.

Enthralled with curiousity, you drop your ear into the bag and say "what??"

The mysterious sound responds... "stashio"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?

They say he had Butterballs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

What do you call a Poltergeist that nuts a lot?

A Ghostbuster.

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

I think my girlfriend is allergic to nuts.

She's on her knees right now, her face is red, and she can't breathe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

gonorrhea

What do you call it when astrology nuts argue?

Star Wars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuts!

What do you call a nut in Brazil?
A Brazil nut.

What do you call a nut on a wall?
A walnut

What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts

What do you call a nut on a horses chest?
A horse chestnut

What do you call nuts in your pee?
Peanuts

What do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

A ginger snap.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the dick is on the inside.

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.