Nuts Jokes - 45 Hilarious Nuts Jokes

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his .

Personally I think he torques out of his

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

The price of beer nuts...

Are you aware that the price of Beer nuts is now $3.99 per pound while Deer nuts are still under a buck?

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

Why is joking about old mens nuts so easy?

It's low hanging fruit

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?

Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God

God says to them "You may ask any question of me."

The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?

God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."

The fir...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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What did one saggy say to the other saggy ?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

A nut wants to tell you a secret

You are minding your own business when you hear a "psstt" sound appearing to come from a bag of nuts in your pantry.

Enthralled with curiousity, you drop your ear into the bag and say "what??"

The mysterious sound responds... "stashio"

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "."

The lit...

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re nuts.

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm nuts."

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

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Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?

They say he had Butterballs.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, , crazy.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

gonorrhea

What do you call it when astrology nuts argue?

Star Wars.

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What do you call a robot worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go nuts when she gets back from work.

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

A ginger snap.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

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Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the is on the inside.

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

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