What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

What do you call a vet that specializes in canines?

A dogtor.

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

What do you call a sneaky canine?

In-dog-nito

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

Did you here about the canine pianist?

His name is Barch

When humans pee outside

It's probably the equivalent of ALL CAPS to the canine world.

Legitimate question, what's that canine constellation called?

[SIRIUS]

What is the canine equivalent of veal?

Puppy chow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up...

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second ...

What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet?

Pupvotes

What do you call a drug-addicted canine?

A meth lab!

What do you call a Supportive Canine?

A Golden Believer

What are facts about canines we must believe?

Dogma

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but ...

My wife said it's either her or the dog.



So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

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A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy ...

Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

Dog escaped

I need to see a dentist. One of my canines is getting loose.

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog is walking down the street.

Suddenly, another pooch appears out of the alley next to him. This dog is panting and looks terrified. The first dog barks.
"Hey man! Are you alright?"
The terrierified canine shouts.
"NO! I've been through a awful experience!"

"Tell me! Calm down and tell me whats happened!"
The...

Of Dogs and Sausages

America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.

At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.

I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.

He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On ...

Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?

All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

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