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Canine Jokes

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

What do you call a canine with no sense of direction?

A Where-wolf

What do you call a vet that specializes in canines?

A dogtor.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

You ever hear about the canine pilot from WWI?

He got into a dog fight but thankfully he shook his tail.

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second ...

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up...

What is the canine equivalent of veal?

Puppy chow.

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

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Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

Legitimate question, what's that canine constellation called?

[SIRIUS]

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I was hiking in the woods with the famed scatologist, Diedre Oppings,

when we came across a brown mass.

"Bear?", I asked.

"No, clearly canine," she replied. She poked at it with a stick. "I think, a cocker spaniel mix, with..." She took a deep sniff. "Ah yes, poodle."

"You mean...?"

"Yes," she replied. "It's cocker poodle doo."

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

What do you call a scientist who specializes in ancient canine fossils?

A barchaeologist.

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What do you get if you cross a canine with a wildlife facility?

A Shit Zoo.

What do you call a Supportive Canine?

A Golden Believer

What do you call a drug-addicted canine?

A meth lab!

What are facts about canines we must believe?

Dogma

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Whilst watching The Incredible Dr. Pol, my wife got upset with the answer I gave my daughter, when she asked me what "Applying monofilament sutures to female canine's lacerations" meant.

Apparently, "Bitches gonna get stiches" isn't an appropriate thing to say to a 7-year old...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

What is a dentists favorite pet?

A canine!

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the ...

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A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep...

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

When humans pee outside

It's probably the equivalent of ALL CAPS to the canine world.

Did you know vampires are dog people?

After all, they have the biggest canines.

My wife said it's either her or the dog.



So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.

How long is a dog's workday?

CaNine to Five

Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?

All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.

Its interesting that different animals have different ways of showing what type of food they eat

Birds for example. They have triangle beaks if they eat plant, but hooked beaks if they eat meat

And those with flat teeth eat plants but ones with more canine sharp teeth eat meat.

Usually it would be hard to tell with humans, but they'll just tell you if they're vegan.

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

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A drunk walks into a bar he's never been in before...

He sees an enormous pickle jar on the top shelf that is overflowing with $100 bills. He asks the bartender for a beer and a shot, and decides to ignore it. Six drinks in, curiosity gets the best of him.
"Wuz, uh... what's wilth the jar o' money?"
The bartender replies that there is a $100 buy ...

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

Of Dogs and Sausages

America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.

At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.

I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.

He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On ...

An oldie, but a goodie...

Back in the days of vaudeville, a man walks into a talent agent's office with a small dog under his arm.

"This is the most amazing act you've ever seen!" he declares "What I have here is an ACTUAL TALKING DOG! Prepare to be amazed!"

With that he places the dog on the agent's desk and...

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A dog is walking down the street.

Suddenly, another pooch appears out of the alley next to him. This dog is panting and looks terrified. The first dog barks.
"Hey man! Are you alright?"
The terrierified canine shouts.
"NO! I've been through a awful experience!"

"Tell me! Calm down and tell me whats happened!"
The...

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

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A little story of a boy and his dog

Timmy's best friend was his dog. His dog was his only friend when his dad got a new job and they had to relocate. His dog was there to scare away the bullies when he was an awkward kid in school. Timmy's dog was even there as a shoulder to cry on when Timmy had his first broken heart. They grew fro...

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