A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see ur license please?

Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk dr...

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lawyer joke from my 8 year old

What do you call a crappy lawyer?


An a-turd-ney

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to...

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

a doberman

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death via the guillotine...

The executioner tells the men, “if I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”

As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” re...

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he has a ...

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persis...

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

Did you know there are so many lawyers in America that if you lined them up side by side

They would reach all the way into each other’s pockets.

A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 dro...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

There are two kinds of lawyers in the afterlife...

Those who are in hell, and, those who are very, very good...

..At their job.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

A priest, a blonde and a lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All Lawyers are Bums

A man walks into a bar, clearly agitated. He orders a shot and downs it almost instantly.

He orders three more before banging both fists on the table and declaring, “All lawyers are bums!”

He does this a few times; orders more alcohol, drinks it, and yells the same thing:

“Al...

How many lawyers does it take to get your roof patched?

Depends on how you skin them.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New York has so much garbage?

New York had first choice.

I hear U2’s lawyers...

are all pro Bono...

London lawyer and Irish Garda

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Ga...

Three aspiring lawyers walk into a bar.

Just kidding, they passed it.

What did the judge say to the hot lawyer?

You’re attorney-ing me on.

What do you get when you throw a billion lawyers in the ocean?

A Sue-Nami!

Why are so many lawyers drunks?

They already passed the bar once, they don't want to do it again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer

So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and his lawyer says, “I’m sorry Mickey you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly.” Mickey replies “I didn’t say she’s incredibly silly, I said she’s fucking Goofy”

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.

​

​

He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.

​

​

Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety chec...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer?

He makes him a retainer

A doctor and a lawyer liked the same girl

Doctor used to give her a rose daily and lawyer used to give her an apple

Girl got confused and asked: "There is meaning in giving rose, why are you giving me an apple?"

Lawyer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away"

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

After their post case hookup; why did the lawyer never call his client back?

It was more of a hit it and acquit it situation

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?

When your lawyer has a lawyer.

A man is contacted by a lawyer

"I'm sorry to contact you out of the blue" the lawyer says. "I have to say this is one of the strangest requests I've ever had from a client. You see, I'm representing your biological mother. When she gave you up for adoption 30 years ago, this was her condition.

"I'm adopted?" The man asks...

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A man walks into the IRS office

A man walks into the IRS office. The person at the desk asks "Sir, why are these charges on your account irregular?"
"That's easy, I make a lotta bets."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, I bet you 5,000 dollars that I can bite my eyeball." The man pauses and looks at him questioning every word. "Okay, g...

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

What do lawyers do when they die?

Lie still.

Why don't lawyers celebrate Christmas?

Because of the Santa clause.

A man went into a lawyer’s office and demanded to see the lawyer.

He was escorted inside and told to sit down. The man needed legal help but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he asked, “Can you tell me how much you charge?”

“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $500 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of mon...

A Lawyer needs some time off, and he decides to go hunting...

He's in the woods, looking for sport fowl, and he's having no luck. All of a sudden, this glorious pheasant flies up out of the undergrowth, and flies high over the treeline. With careful aim, the lawyer pulls the trigger and BOOM, the pheasant drops like a stone, out of the edge of the woods, and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Fucking kids are expensive,” I said

“*Is*” my lawyer replied.

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Brunette, a lawyer is getting antsy on the flight and asks the blonde

“ do you wanna play a game? I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you’ll give me five dollars, and then you ask me a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you five dollars.”

The blonde says no, and goes to sleep. A half hour goes by and the brunette wakes up th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the sp...

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A guy walks into a bar and yells out "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!"

A guy in the bar stood up and said
"HEY! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!"
What are you a lawyer or something?!
"No I'm an asshole."

Two lawyers are friends and have lunch with each other

They always have lunch in their cramped offices. One day, one of the lawyers said to the other, "We should go downstairs to the deli and have lunch there, there's much more room."

​

The other agreed and they went downstairs to the deli.

​

When they s...

I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed “time lawyer”

He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Original Genie joke (let me hear yours!)

Man finds a genie and gets 3 wishes.

​

"I want a huge cock" The genie makes a fairly large rooster appear out of thin air.

​

"No, no, I want a bigger penis!" The genie gives the man a bigger penis... right beside the one he already had.

&#...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass

A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass.

Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says "My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"

The homeless man is touched but says "I can't go, I...

A guy asked a lawyer how much he charged for two questions...

"500 dollars. What is the second?"

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter...

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

What's a lawyers favorite type of chef?

A Sous Chef!

A lawyer well known for his stinginess dies and goes to heaven

He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks through the giant book of life, which detailed all the lawyer did, looks at the lawyer and says “Yup, sorry, don’t think you’ve lived your life doing enough good to get into heaven. The lift to the underworld is that end.”
...

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

He gets taller.

A man sued a drug company for making him impotent

but his lawyer got him off

A dying billionaire called in his doctor, lawyer, and priest for a talk.

"For all your years of friendship and faithful service I've left each of you a generous gift in my will, but I want each of you to do one last thing for me. Here is one million dollars cash for each of you. I want you to slip it into my coffin before I'm buried. I want to see if everyone is wrong an...

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, "4.0"

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the sam...

Lawyer joke

Lawyer Joke!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married i...

What's difference between a sperm and a lawyer?

A sperm has 1 in 500 million chance that it would become a human.

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

100 lawyers are in a bus stuck on a bed of quicksand

... Let that sink in

An engineer dies and...

An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After
a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's...

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest

were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.


In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bai...

Do you know the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside

A woman walks into a lawyer's office...

A woman walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I want to sue a band. They stole a song I wrote, and I can prove I wrote it."

"I might be able to help you," says the lawyer. "What band was it?"

"U2," she replies.

The lawyer shakes his head and says, "Sorry, ma'am, but I only wor...

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Bob, a lawyer,

was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.

His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Irish Square testicals

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks “The usual?”
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking...

How do you tell the difference between a nurse and a lawyer?

By how they pronounce the word invalid.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

2 Black teens enroll in Harvard. 1 studies to be a Medical Doctor, the other studies to be a lawyer. If becoming a doctor takes 4 years of class and 3 years of residency and becoming lawyer takes 1 years less of school then which one....

.... will get shot in a routine traffic stop first?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] My lawyer must have a tiny cock.

I don't feel like I've been fucked as I leave. Lawyter I recognize I was.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline"..

"You don't have much of a case", he replied

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"

The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"

The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"

The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"

Philanthropic lawyer

There was a hotshot New York lawyer who got call from Save the Children foundation.
Caller: Sir, we are aware that you are one of the top lawyers in New York and earn millions of dollars a month.
Lawyer: That's right. So what?
Caller: Sir, we are working for the benefit of destitute childre...

There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.

He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:

"So, how are things down there?" asks God.

"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditio...

A law joke that isn't a lawyer joke

A man is put on trial for the charge of stealing his neighbor's pig.

After both sides rest, the jury leaves to deliberate, and an hour later it returns.

"Have you reached a verdict?" the judge asks.

"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, but ...

Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of you...

A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.

Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"

St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."

A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then r...

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cocky lawyer is sitting next to an old man at an airport.

They still have a while to wait before getting on the plane so the lawyer asks the old man if he wants to play a game, certain that he was the more intelligent of the two.

"How about this, I ask you a question; if you answer correctly I'll give you $100, otherwise you give me $10. Then you ge...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife and I decided to divorce, at the court the lawyer asked why has this come about? I replied:

Neither of us like sucking cock.

A man called up a lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “Two thousand dollars.”

“That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If my lawyer can be paid in sexual favors...

Does that mean he works Pro Boner?