The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" I tearfully exclaimed as my wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Actually," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."



********



(I just made this one up for r/twosentencehorror and it dawned on me that it probably belongs here too)

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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", ...

Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"

The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. ...

What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?

A good delivery.

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Why doesn't sex with a vampire end in pregnancy?

Because he can't come inside without an invitation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grudge Pregnancy

A man went to the doctor and said, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



The man asked, "What’s a grudge pregnancy?"



The doc...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

Apparently Hogwarts has a low teen pregnancy rate.

Research shows it is singlehandedly due to the spell - DELETUS FETUS

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

What do they call an unplanned pregnancy in Germany?

A kinder surprise

What's the alternative name for the pregnancy test?

Maybe baby

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

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This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."

I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

Another way that succes is like pregnancy

Women have to get it from men.

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.

With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."

I said, "I'm not the only one."

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

Bob Ross wasn't a planned pregnancy

He was a happy little accident

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their...

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The best way to avoid teen pregnancy is to show porn videos as part of sex ed

In that way,girls will be more inclined to do anal and the boys will know when to take the dick out and come all over her face

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It's Mrs. Goat's first pregnancy...

and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BA...

Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?

Because its period came too late.

What's the difference between pregnancy and being successful?

To be successful, you need to succeed but, if you want to get pregnant, you shouldn't.

_I'm not sure how to do puns on this sub, but the joke is that you shouldn't suck seed (which sounds like succeed) if you want to get pregnant_

PREGNANCY TEST!

Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?"

She said she didn't see him coming

Coma Pregnancy

A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a coma she has twins, a boy & a girl.

When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. A...

Pregnancy checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. ...

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test...

but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

Pregnancy

I'm too smart to want children, but not smart enough to make *her* not want 'em.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"My girlfriend took one of those home pregnancy tests last night and it shows that she's pregnant," he complains to the bartender. "Are you going to keep it?" the bartender asks. "I don't see the point," the guy replies. "You can only use them once."

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

Thank goodness it's April 2nd

I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

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Friendship...

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom, he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem.
...

Pregnant wife

My wife keeps complaining about nausea from pregnancy.


I told her she was “ovaryacting”

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:

- (my name) i'm pregnant

Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:

- hi pregnant, i'm dad

- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

[OC]I have a black Asian friend named Bill Wong.

Bill has been my best friend all of my life since like 3rd grade. Recently, he met this girl named Emma Wong and fell in love with her. She is also a black Asian with the same last name.

To be honest, I’m kinda jealous. Ever since he met her he stopped talking to me and if I try to talk...

There are two types of parents...

The ones who had their child through an accidental pregnancy, and the liars.

If boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider...

and girls go to college to get more knowledge... does that mean that ladies go to hades when they have babies?... this would explain a lot about pregnancy

What I do If I’m bored...

When I’m bored, I go to a forum for women and ask if I should change to Marlboro light the last two months of my pregnancy.

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