UPJOKE
childbirthfetusmiscarriageabortionmorning sicknessfertilizationinfertilityfolic acidzygotebirthovulationbreastfeedingpregnancy testembryoreproductive

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After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

Success is like pregnancy.

Everyone says, "congratulations", but they don't know how many times you got screwed.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

To all the women who are going to be making pregnancy announcements today...

You aren’t fooling anyone, you’ve been showing for months.

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

The Pregnancy Test

A friend of mine, married, no children, told me a corny joke today.... a dad joke. The next day he found out his wife is pregnant.

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

If a judge loses her pregnancy...

Is that a miscarriage of justice?

Gave my blonde girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests today.

She rang me back sobbing, OMG! How am I going to look after 4 kids?

I got a vasectomy last year.

Turns out they don't prevent pregnancy, it just changes the color of the baby.

Naming the kids

A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How ab...

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are at the OBGYN's office for their pregnancy checkups.

The redhead says, "I was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a girl."

The brunette says, "He was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a boy."

The blonde bursts into tears.  "I'm having puppies!"

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

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Grudge Pregnancy

A man went to the doctor and said, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



The man asked, "What’s a grudge pregnancy?"



The doc...

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

What's common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy?

Ready or not here I come!

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

Teen pregnancy is horrible...

It creates child labor.

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their...

My friend is buying a pregnancy test kit for his girlfriend

Congratulations either way

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

I bought a home pregnancy kit...

Turns out my house is pregnant.

How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise.

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

Last night I accidentally told my son he was an unplanned pregnancy.

Mistakes were made.

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

A woman covered in pasta sauce takes a pregnancy test

Turns out she's Prego

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

Brunette speaks with a blonde friend

Brunette speaks with a blonde friend: "I took a pregnancy test." "Oh, were the questions difficult?"

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?

A good delivery.

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", ...

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

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This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."

I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator during pregnancy?

Her child has a stutter.

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I had a pregnancy scare yesterday..

I Scared the shit out of some pregnant lady.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?

Because its period came too late.

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

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Did anyone notice that they are hiding Jan the Toyota woman's pregnancy on TV?

My guess is the Father is the Finance Manager, because he fucks everyone.

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The best way to avoid teen pregnancy is to show porn videos as part of sex ed

In that way,girls will be more inclined to do anal and the boys will know when to take the dick out and come all over her face

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

PREGNANCY TEST!

Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

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It's Mrs. Goat's first pregnancy...

and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BA...

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?"

She said she didn't see him coming

Another way that succes is like pregnancy

Women have to get it from men.

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test...

but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

What's the difference between pregnancy and being successful?

To be successful, you need to succeed but, if you want to get pregnant, you shouldn't.

_I'm not sure how to do puns on this sub, but the joke is that you shouldn't suck seed (which sounds like succeed) if you want to get pregnant_

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

Pregnancy checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. ...

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