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Pregnancy Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

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Grudge Pregnancy

A man went to the doctor and said, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



The man asked, "What’s a grudge pregnancy?"



The doc...

Teen pregnancy?

More like *child labour*

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

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Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

If a judge loses her pregnancy...

Is that a miscarriage of justice?

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

Define pregnancy

An ova reaction to sperm

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The Simple Pregnancy Test App

You just have to urinate on the sceeen. If the screen gets covered in piss you are not allowed to have kids.

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

A lot has changed since my girlfriend announced pregnancy...

To name a few changes: my identity, place of residence, phone number...

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

One blonde tells another "I just took a pregnancy test"

The other replies: "Were the questions hard?"

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Why is a Grammar Nazi the best pregnancy test?

If you miss a period, you’ll know right away.

The Pregnancy Test

A friend of mine, married, no children, told me a corny joke today.... a dad joke. The next day he found out his wife is pregnant.

Gave my blonde girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests today.

She rang me back sobbing, OMG! How am I going to look after 4 kids?

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

What did the cheese do when it got unwanted pregnancy?

She got a boursin.

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My wife had concerns about intimacy during pregnancy but "What To Expect When You're Expecting" says that blowjobs are ALWAYS safe.

So I don't understand why she gets so worked up about what I do in the privacy of a men's restroom.

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

What two things in the air ensure a blonde’s pregnancy?

Her legs

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

PREGNANCY TEST!

Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

Coma Pregnancy

A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a coma she has twins, a boy & a girl.

When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. A...

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

What's common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy?

Ready or not here I come!

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their...

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

I bought a home pregnancy kit...

Turns out my house is pregnant.

My friend is buying a pregnancy test kit for his girlfriend

Congratulations either way

A woman covered in pasta sauce takes a pregnancy test

Turns out she's Prego

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are at the OBGYN's office for their pregnancy checkups.

The redhead says, "I was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a girl."

The brunette says, "He was on top when I conceived.  I'm having a boy."

The blonde bursts into tears.  "I'm having puppies!"

Last night I accidentally told my son he was an unplanned pregnancy.

Mistakes were made.

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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", ...

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

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It's Mrs. Goat's first pregnancy...

and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BA...

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?"

She said she didn't see him coming

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

Pregnancy checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. ...

Another way that succes is like pregnancy

Women have to get it from men.

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator during pregnancy?

Her child has a stutter.

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?

Because its period came too late.

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Did anyone notice that they are hiding Jan the Toyota woman's pregnancy on TV?

My guess is the Father is the Finance Manager, because he fucks everyone.

What's the difference between pregnancy and being successful?

To be successful, you need to succeed but, if you want to get pregnant, you shouldn't.

_I'm not sure how to do puns on this sub, but the joke is that you shouldn't suck seed (which sounds like succeed) if you want to get pregnant_

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test...

but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

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This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."

I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a co...

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

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