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Success is like pregnancy

Everyone congratulates you but has no idea how many times you got fucked In order to achieve it

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

What bird helps prevent pregnancy ?

The Swallow

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

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After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

What’s ET short for?

His mother smoked and drank heavily during the pregnancy.

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

A man's wife comes up to him with a positive pregnancy test...

"Are you kidding me!" she says.
"Yes."

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"

The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. ...

Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

A man is sitting in the waiting room of a hospital.

He is visibly nervous. Can't stop biting his nails. He's sweating like a pig. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him.

"Your wife is doing okay, sir. Congratulations: you just became a father."

The man has never been so happy in his whole life.
"Actually, sir" says the doctor, "there h...

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Grudge Pregnancy

A man went to the doctor and said, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



The man asked, "What’s a grudge pregnancy?"



The doc...

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

What doe you call a German pregnancy?

Kinder surprise!

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?

A good delivery.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", ...

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David Hughes' joke

I have this app idea, it's a pregnancy test. You piss on the phone, and if the phone is covered in piss you're not allowed to have kids.

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn’t make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child “Life”. Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

Alabama family reunions

It has been reported that COVID-19 has greatly reduced family reunions due to social distancing requirements. Evidently this has caused a significant decrease in Alabama teen pregnancy.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

Bra = Breastie Nestie

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test

My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!

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This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."

I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

What's the alternative name for the pregnancy test?

Maybe baby

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

Two blondes meet, one says: "I did a pregnancy test today."

The other one: "Was it hard?"

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, kicking and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.

With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a condom."

I said, "I'm not the only one."

My girlfriend said there's a line on her pregnancy test.

Pretty odd place to do cocaine if you ask me.

Another way that succes is like pregnancy

Women have to get it from men.

There was a married couple named Cody and Vicky.

After being together for 5 years, they decided to have a baby. After numerous attempts Vicky gets pregnant. 7 months into the pregnancy they start to think about baby names. Neither of them could come to an agreement so they decided to combine their names for the baby's name.

That was almost ...

Due to the viral outbreak, a high school prom goes into mandatory lock-down.

QuaranTeen-Pregnancy rates skyrocket.

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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

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The best way to avoid teen pregnancy is to show porn videos as part of sex ed

In that way,girls will be more inclined to do anal and the boys will know when to take the dick out and come all over her face

Pregnancy in the 1940's.

(Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you"....
(Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!"....
(Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....

9 months of pregnancy are the best times to drink

...since you are never drinking alone

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

A pregnant woman and husband attend a pregnancy class together.

The doctor is explaining to the class how to make pregnancy and delivery easier on the couples. He goes on to explain how it's very beneficial to walk during the pregnancy, as it is good for exercise and such. The doctor explains to the husbands they should encourage it by accompanying them on their...

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

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It's Mrs. Goat's first pregnancy...

and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BA...

PREGNANCY TEST!

Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?

Dad: To pass obviously

Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Coma Pregnancy

A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a coma she has twins, a boy & a girl.

When she woke up she asked the doctor where her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them.

She replied,My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. A...

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?

Because its period came too late.

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?"

She said she didn't see him coming

You don't have to study for a pregnancy test...

but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

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Too good not to share..

\*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!\*


\*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panti...

Pregnancy checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pregnancy checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. ...

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