UPJOKE
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Shrub Jokes

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

The trees and the shrubs are at war.

The shrubs assemble a meeting to see how to breach the tree's defenses. The head shrub asks his subordinates to state who they are and what their plan is for attacking the trees.
One of the shrubs responds; "I am bush"

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

I spent the whole day shopping for shrubs

Boy, am I bushed!

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending...

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidentia...

Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

What do you call a politically powerful shrub in Jamaica?

A hegemon.

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

My duaghter made up a joke when she was 5. How do you count to tree?

Bush, Shrub, Tree!

What type of music do people listen to in the grasslands?

[Shrub-steppe.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrub-steppe)

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

My Favorite Joke

Three guys die and go to heaven. While they're waiting in line at the pearly gates a guy asks them how they died. The first guy says "I live on the fourteenth floor of an apartment building. I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a little while now so today I decided to find out for sure...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out riding when the Lone Ranger needed to shit. So finding a shrub, he squatted down to do his business. Suddenly he started yelling and screaming for Tonto. "Tonto! A rattle snake bit my asshole. Ride into town and get the doctor!" Tonto jumped on his horse and rode...

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

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Two statues

Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been on display in the city park for over 50 years. Then came a day when an angel descended from the heavens and began talking to the statues, saying that they had brought happiness to the residents for many years and that the angel would grant them the greatest g...

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A man offers $200 for sex on Craigslist.

A financially struggling woman responds and accepts the arrangement. However, after the act is completed, the man refuses to pay her the full amount and only gives her $100. She threatens to sue him in small claims but the man laughs at her and leaves.

A few weeks later, he's summoned to co...

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Bombs and Berries (Long) (Original)

Back Story: During World War 2, it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrels at the base of trees. Then place the frozen squirrel between their thighs (the warmest part of the body) to warm it up. The squirls wo...

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Jim and Bob go golfing...

They're on the 18th hole and the score is close. Bob tees off.
Bob hooks the ball way off to the left where it settles in the rough.
Then Jim tees off and his is a wild slice near some shrubs. They both wander off to find their balls but Jim's is furthest from the pin.

Jim finds his ba...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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