Out Of The Blue Jokes - 40 Hilarious Out Of The Blue Jokes

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My gran asked me yesterday, completely out of the blue, how I liked to masturbate.

"Err, alone if you don't mind."

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Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

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Out of the blue the other day I imagined a porn parody featuring works from Stephen King and Disney

Don’t know why that came to mind, but It was fucking goofy

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue

Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.

The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

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One I heard in 4th grade and remembered out of the blue today.

A sexy pirate captain had been at sea for 6 months, she was the perfect woman, a huge rack, a tight waist, long slender legs that lead up to nice tight ass. She was perfect except for her one wooden eye of which she was extremely sensitive. After 6 months at sea she was hot for it and ready to break...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allow...

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.

“What?!” I exclaimed to my friend. “This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this com...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk about the war to a class of school children

and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one wa...

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

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Husband and wife

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast.
Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:

"What was that ? - Why did you hit me that hard ?"

She: "That was for 25 years of bad sex."

He continues eating his ...

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One day a woman is lying topless on her penthouse balcony

When out of the blue flies a handsome god who proceeds to give her the best sex of her life.

After they finish she asks, 'who are you?'

He replies, 'I am Thor!'

'You're thore? I still had my panty hothe on'

Ever since they painted the glory holes for Pride, attendance is way up.

Guys keep coming out of the blue!

Just one kiss, please

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her doorstep. As they were about to wish each other goodnight,the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, said to her,

“Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
...

My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine.

Out of the blue she said, "I love you. "

"Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked her.

"It's me." said the wife. "Talking to the wine."

What do you call a spike that's not spiky?

Pointless.

(This wit is from my 7 year old daughter. She told me this out of the blue. I'm so proud!!)

The cheap date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend keeps complaining how cheap I am, so today out of the blue I surprised her by taking her out for drinks and cookies and pie," he tells the bartender. "Was she surprised?" the bartender asks. "I definitely think so," the guy replies. "Turns out...

So I caught up with an old friend

We said hi and made light conversation. We talked about work and about our families. Then out of the blue, she told me she had just bought a Bugatti Chiron.

Well that went from 0-100 real quick

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Father and Son

So there was this boy, about high school age

He didn’t have the best relationship with his father after his parents got divorced

On top of it, every time he tried to call his dad it took him forever to answer

He would call…
No answer
Call again…
No answer
But by ...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

You compliment someone's mustache...

...and the next thing you know, out of the blue, she stops talking to you.

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"

"Go on, what happened?" he asks.

"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street...

...in a very bad part of town. Out of the blue, a car rolls by and opens gunfire on the house behind her. Despite her best efforts, the woman took three bullets to her stomach and was rushed to the hospital.

The doctors did everything they could to save the woman and her three unborn childre...

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

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