Errors are red

My screen is blue

I think I deleted

System 32

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

I don't understand why people are so concerned about spelling errors.

It's just a normal word, isn't it?

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A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

This year for halloween, I tried to think of the scariest thing to be..

But I'm not sure how to dress as the margin of error in a swing state poll.

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Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job?

Because there was no margarine for error.

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

Windows loves to troll me

Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"

Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

I used to be a tile guy......

It was a lot of trowel and error.

Watch out for little old lady drivers

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the f...

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit

I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me

No! It crashed again...

Roses are red;

Violets are blue

\-----------------------

ERROR: Invalid syntax on line 2

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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

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ID10T Error

Tech Support: Good Morning, Harry speaking how can I help?

Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on!

Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button

Caller: Yes, done that still not working

Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine?...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

Splitting 5 ways

2020 is all about splitting-in-5, TSLA, AAPL … if you split 2020 in 5 as well it is 404, which make sense as the entire year has been an error message..

If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re…

…typo positive?

Man walks into a pub **very poor taste joke***

Man walks into a pub and as he sits at the bar he notices the man next to him has a dog

"that's a nice dog mate" he says

"Yeah says the bloke it's a mongel"

Sorry mate don't you mean mongrel?

Two minutes later the dog jumps up at the bar

and the man says

"D...

Why do you get an error when you look for today's date?

Because your internet connection sucks.

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.



(Edit: Woo original content!)

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar.

[ERROR 404: NOT FOUND]

A common chefs error

Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

A C++ error walks into a bar...

A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"

Haaaaaaaaaa!

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Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

I woke up at 4:04.

Sleep error.

What do you call it when the blood bank makes a spelling error

A type-o

I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason...

Too *mushroom* for error.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question t...

A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors.

They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

one outcome

sorry for the spelling errors, Englishh is not my native language.

So I’m going to rob a bank. I have two outcomes. To get arrested or not to get arrested. If I don’t get arrested its OK, but if I get arrested I have two outcomes.

To surrender or to get shot. If I surrender its OK, bu...

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

GENIE: "Because you freed me from the lamp, I grant unto you one wish."

ME: "Can I wish for anything?"
GENIE: "Yes, anything."
ME: "Literally anything?"
GENIE: "Literally anything."
ME: "And you'll do it?"
GENIE: "I'm a genie, it's what I do."
ME (after some thought): "I wish for this wish to not be granted."
GENIE: "But wait! I can on...

What would Confucius say about errors made in elevators?

He who makes a mistake in an elevator is wrong on many levels.

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Good bakers use real butter..

So that there is no margarine for error.

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless...

I was like, 0mg!

What did the computer student say to the language student after he made a mistake?

You made a programmar error

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

I once made an error in little league,

When I signed up to play.

Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician ...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

What is Error 619?

When your kid sleeps in between.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

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I've not posted to r/advice before & I'm on mobile so please forgive any spelling errors, I'm on a small screen. My neighbour has a large, untrained dog, he is tied up in the yard most days, but has broken the chain several times now and when that happens he chases my cat and shits all over my lawn.

I wouldn't mind so much, but now the dog has started to do it too.

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

My essay on sick, long necked mammals had lots of errors in it.

My teacher said it was a rough giraffe.

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