I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias

"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."

"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"

I used "MyDick" as a password and got this error:

"Try something longer"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

What do you call a mortician's big mistake?

A grave error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someo...

Doctor's news

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: I'll take the bad news first.

Doctor: I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but there was an error in your chart and I'm afraid we cut off the wrong leg.

Patient: WHAT THE HECK?!? That's not bad news. That's TERRIBLE news. Wh...

A meteorologist, a biologist, and a mathematician are eating breakfast.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

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I tried sending a dick pic but got an error.

The file was too big.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Error 4:04

Sleep not found

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

What do you call someone who makes a spelling error AFTER editing their comment?...

An Ediot!

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime ...

After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks

Never mind, I'm in the red again.

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are camping when...

Hello everybody. I am transalting this joke from my native language so
1 Sorry for any grammar error
2 I hope it s a new one for some of you

Two friends are camping in the mountains.
They are relaxing, walking into the nature, breathing fr...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

I started a new job and was handed a book

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager

"why call it a Bible?"

"because it's written by man and it's full of errors"

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to join the workforce as software engineers

On their first day at work, Pumbaa's code keeps returning errors for several hours. Finally, Timon says: "Why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

Aspirations

A young boy one day decided to make his desire to become a big writer.

"I want to write things that the people will read all around the world, something that the people will react with a very high emotional level such as scream, cry, get mad and make them suffer" He said.

Now he works ...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

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Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Errors are red, my screen is blue

Errors are red,

My screen is blue.

Someone help me,

I’ve deleted “Sys32”

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

I don't understand why people are so concerned about spelling errors.

It's just a normal word, isn't it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

. . .
there is no margarine for error.

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A woman is getting her home remodeled.

On the final day, she meets the designer on her front porch. He says, "Bonjour madam, are you ready to see your new home?"

They enter the house, and into the living room. It's stunning, but she's distracted by the coffee table.

"Everything is perfect," she says, "except for the c...

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

And when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was literally extremely sorrowful, I've never seen a guy can crying like that.
I took a glance at him, but he didn't noticed, he just kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
So, I walked to him, and said...

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

I get so angry with all the spelling errors on Reddit

I feel like people are defiantly doing it on purpose just to mess with me

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.



(Edit: Woo original content!)

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

A C++ error walks into a bar...

A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"

Haaaaaaaaaa!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crashed my car recently.

I was in my car and started to drift to the side. I overcorrected and rolled my vehicle. The only thing broken was the glass. In other words, crash due to driver error; need to repair Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ID10T Error

Tech Support: Good Morning, Harry speaking how can I help?

Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on!

Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button

Caller: Yes, done that still not working

Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine?...

If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re…

…typo positive?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

Why do you get an error when you look for today's date?

Because your internet connection sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary

It Runs In your Jeans

(Plz excuse any spelling errors if I made some. English is my first language Im just Dumb)

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

A common chefs error

Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors.

They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

Knock knock

Knock knock
Who's there?
Error.
Error Who?
Error 404: Punchline not found

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

What do you call it when a priest orders something wrong?

A clerical error

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

What would Confucius say about errors made in elevators?

He who makes a mistake in an elevator is wrong on many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless...

I was like, 0mg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.


Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Every program I write is completely error free

No exceptions

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

I once made an error in little league,

When I signed up to play.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

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