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Observing Jokes

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing a building...

A very heavy-set man is seen going in.

A while later two very skinny men exit.

The physicist says "To within experimental error, the conservation of mass has been demonstrated."

The biologist says "reproduction by mitosis must have taken place."

The mathematician scratche...

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

I started observing extremists

Wanted to find out what made them tick... tock... boom

Two aliens are observing Earth from their spaceship in outer space...

"This is interesting," says the first, "the biped species on this planet has developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

"Are they an emerging intelligence?" Asks the second alien, who looks exactly like the first.

"I don't know, they have them all pointed at themselves."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."

The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itse...

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an archeology class, the professor brings in a real mummy for demonstration.

In front of all the freshmen, he declares that in order to be a good scientist, one must achieve good skills and have great passion.

The professor puts his finger into the mummy’s butthole, puts the finger into his mouth, and sucks it like he does a lollipop.

“Now who has the gut to ju...

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