Monitor Jokes - 97 Hilarious Monitor Jokes

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

How do you rescue a dying monitor?

With a screen saver

What did the monitor say when it gets hurt

Oww that Hertz

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...

They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

What happens when you overclock a monitor?

It hertz.

I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor

I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

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What do you call a monitor lizard who lives in Japan?

A Kimono dragon.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

I ordered a new monitor, but the mail people ended up losing it.

It was a display-sment

I just bought an 8K monitor...

It’s quite a lot of money for a 1920x1080 resolution.

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$1,000 Apple Monitor Stand

That´s the entire fucking joke. A fucking $1,000 stand.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers crash.

A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.

 

The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.

 

As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would wad...

Baby monitors are magical

When I turn it off my baby stops crying

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What is a monitor's best sex position?

16:9

Appointing a class monitor..

*Teacher*: What do you do after school?

*1st Student*: I go and buy weed from Yakobo

*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.

*3rd Student*: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.

*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.

*Teacher:* You ...

Why did pinocchio buy a new monitor

Because he click on "Agree" without reading the "Terms and conditions"

TIFU by kicking my computer monitor...

and my foot still hertz.

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Man's wife is in a coma

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they real...

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.

The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"

The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"

The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

What do you call someone with two monitors?

Mr. Game and Watch

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

My friend tried to sell me a triangular monitor

but I knew it was just a pyramid screen.

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

A man buys a monitor lizard for his PC.

Back home, he tries to connect it to the computer via HDMI.

The lizard bites him, so he calls the shop.

Tech support: "Monitor Lizards are not compactible with HDMI. You need to connect the lizard via UCP (Universal Cloacal Port). Also they love computer mice. You should buy a 20-pac...

A man with manic depression buys a heart rate monitor

It was made by Polar

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors...

For crying out loud!

I was a very determined hall monitor at school. The other kids called me Batman,

Not because of that but because both my parents were murdered.

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him…

But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

A stray bullet just flew through my window and broke my monitor.

I think there are better ways to take a screenshot...

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

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Man goes on vacation

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he...

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Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds...

I've finally reached an age old enough to buy an "adult" inflatable.

I brought it home and unpackaged it. I carefully read the instructions, ran my hand over the material. It was a strange feeling. I didn't expect I'd ever reach the point of using one. I fiddled with it a bit, then checked the hole. The thing was wide enough for my whole arm! But I inflated it anyway...

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Cockpit duties

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.

She turned t...

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What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

The zoologist wanted a new tv

The one he was looking at way too expensive, so he settled for a monitor lizard.

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

A drunk stumbles out of a bar

He heads over to the parking lot where he left his car, trying to remember which one was his.

A police officer was monitoring the lot and immediately noticed the stumbling man. The officer walked over to him, looked at the drunks' face and said "Pardon me, sir- your eyes appear to be bloodsho...

A very attractive nurse was working a hectic schedule of double shifts all week...

So she didn't really have time to do laundry. She had no clean underwear so she just figured she'd throw on some scrubs and head to work.

Her shift that day was a nightmare. She lost 3 elderly patients while she was in the room cleaning. She took a short break to mourn, then headed to care f...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

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A man's wife was in a coma.

He waited by her side every day for years.
One day as the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she started to become more alert and her heart rate increased once she moved the sponge across her vagina.
The nurse came up with a plan and told the husband about the discovery.
"I think you sh...

When they ask you "why is University so expensive?"..

The intent is to provide students with a sense of pride and accomplishment for completing different courses.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average...

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

Mum :What is your score in the exam.?

Daughter: I got one point more than the class monitor.
Mum: How much did the class monitor get ?
Daughter: She got 96
Mum: How much did you get ?
Daughter: I got 9.6

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.

Swedish Computer Terms

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A young priest was taking his first confession...

An older priest was monitoring the confession and after it was over he said, "My son, can you say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk"?

The young priest was a little confused. "Yes, I can say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk'. Why do you ask, Father?"

The older priest replied, "Because, 'tsk, tsk, tsk' is infinitely bette...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

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Whenever I go bowling....

I enter my name as "3 testicles".

That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 testicles! You got a spare!"

Keep CRT out of our schools!

It's the 21st Century, people. LCD monitors are higher resolution and much more energy efficient!

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was goin...

Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns ...

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her ...

Teacher : What do you do after school ?

"I always go to buy cigarettes from Basil" - Girl 1

"I always go to buy weed from Basil" - Boy 1

"I always go to buy cocaine from Basil" - Girl 2

"I always go and do my homework" - Boy 2

The teacher, nearly surviving a heart attack after hearing the answers, had a smile o...

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

Kanye sold ugly shoes for $500 , no ones gonna top that!

Apple: hold my monitor

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

Optometrist

After several months of “gentle encouragement” from my partner, I finally went to see the eye doctor.

First she did a pressure test, blowing a puff of air into each eye and carefully observing my responses on a monitor.
Then she examined each eye with the little hand-held lights.

Th...

Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking

\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!

\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.

\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?

\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

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A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital

The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts.

The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eye...

What do they make polygons wear on probation?

an angle monitor

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

CIA ro...

How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't make a difference it can't be done.

First they complain that the bulb should be screwing them.

and if they actually try they can't see past their computer monitor.

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

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Nice try Scottish Power

The energy monitor they just installed draws electricity 24/7/365 - those fuckers are ruthless.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

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