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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

What did the monitor say when it gets hurt

Oww that Hertz

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

I ordered a new monitor, but the mail people ended up losing it.

It was a display-sment

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers crash.

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

I just bought an 8K monitor...

It’s quite a lot of money for a 1920x1080 resolution.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor

I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was goin...

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Why did pinocchio buy a new monitor

Because he click on "Agree" without reading the "Terms and conditions"

How to know everything you need to know

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress...

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A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness. He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him. She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you ma...

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"

Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"

Student #2 : "I go to buy weed from Yakobo"

Student #3 : "I go to buy cocaine from Yakobo"

Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"

Teacher : \*points at...

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors...

For crying out loud!

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What is a monitor's best sex position?

16:9

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.

The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"

The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"

The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.

 


The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.

 

As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would wad...

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him…

But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

Mum :What is your score in the exam.?

Daughter: I got one point more than the class monitor.
Mum: How much did the class monitor get ?
Daughter: She got 96
Mum: How much did you get ?
Daughter: I got 9.6

What do you call someone with two monitors?

Mr. Game and Watch

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

I was a very determined hall monitor at school. The other kids called me Batman,

Not because of that but because both my parents were murdered.

TIFU by kicking my computer monitor...

and my foot still hertz.

A man with manic depression buys a heart rate monitor

It was made by Polar

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Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

What is a racist guy's favorite type of monitor?

3k

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

A stray bullet just flew through my window and broke my monitor.

I think there are better ways to take a screenshot...

My friend tried to sell me a triangular monitor

but I knew it was just a pyramid screen.

A man buys a monitor lizard for his PC.

Back home, he tries to connect it to the computer via HDMI.

The lizard bites him, so he calls the shop.

Tech support: "Monitor Lizards are not compactible with HDMI. You need to connect the lizard via UCP (Universal Cloacal Port). Also they love computer mice. You should buy a 20-pac...

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking

\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!

\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.

\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?

\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.

A man is driving down a road, swerving every now and then, so he’s pulled over by a cop, believing him to be drunk...

The cop then takes out a breathalyzer, and asks the driver to breath into it, the driver says he cannot, the cop asks why, and the driver tells him he has asthma.

The cop then walks back to his car and takes out a tube, he then returns to the driver and asks him for a urine test. The driver t...

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What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

This Coronavirus fear is getting out of hand...

I accidentally sneezed on my monitor, and my antivirus software started running.

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A woman was in a coma,

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

The...

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

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Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds...

I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.

But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that wou...

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

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An old woman is in a coma in a hospital and has been for 6 months...

One day a nurse is giving the comatosed woman her daily sponge bath and when the nurse rubbed the lady on her special place she noticed the heart monitor dramatically spike up indicating the woman might have responded!

The nurse inform the doctors who immediately call the woman's husband to ...

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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track acr...

The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.



...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

Kanye sold ugly shoes for $500 , no ones gonna top that!

Apple: hold my monitor

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store.

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store. He was never good with numbers so instead of numbering the aisles, he used a letter system.

One day a customer came in and asked Mr. Schwarznegger where they keep their firearms. Arnold is a smart business man and is concerned for safety. He d...

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Guy gets called in for an interview...

... as he enters the manager's office, he doesn't say a word, nor does he sit down, and stares straight into the eyes of the manager. Then, without warning, and with one huge sweep of his arm, he knocks all the shit off the managers desk, papers, monitor, pen holder, etc. The manager, completely d...

A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar

where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop. 

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to ...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

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Man's wife is in a coma

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they real...

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her ...

Did anyone here watch WWDC 2019 today? I was, and I truly admired Apple’s courage

Only they have the courage to sell a $1,000 stand that you’ve got to buy after paying $5,000 for a monitor.

Such courage

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

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An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

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