A psychiatrist goes into a room full of mentally ill people to check if some of them have become sane...

He takes a whiteboard pen and draws a door on the wall.

He says: "Those of you who think they are sane can now leave the psychiatry by using this door. All the people jump up from their chairs and furiously try to open the door - everybody but one.

The psychiatrist is relieved to see t...

Psychology

Today I realized I had to go see a psychologist when I compared myself to people in the subway. For instance: Seeing an ugly woman. "That woman is as beautiful as I am sane".

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

What do you call a house full of sane people?

An inn sane asylum

\*an oxymoronic joke.

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

What happens when a sane person posts on a far right sub and a far left sub?

[removed]

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

A reporter went to a mental hospital to talk with the doctor.

Reporter: Doctor, how do you decide who to admit and who not to?

Doctor: We give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell them to empty a bathtub filled with water.

Reporter: That's smart as a sane person will use the bucket to empty it.

Doctor: A sane person will remove...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

My doctor just told me I was insane

But if I'm in-sane, it means that I'm "in" the "sane" spectrum. So I'm ok right?

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

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An accountant is imprisoned after committing fraud

When he walks into his cell, he is confronted by his cellmate - a 150 kilogram, 2 metre tall muscle-bound bloke called Bubba.

Bubba lays down the rules, "In here, to keep sane we play mummies and daddies. Because you're new, you can choose whether you want to be mummy or daddy."

The ac...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

3 presidents were in hell.

Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.

Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and af...

A man once entered an asylum

The patients kept jumping shouting"we are popcorn! we are popcorn!" Except for one guy who was sitting quietly in a corner so the man thought that he is the only sane person here and asked him "why don't you jump,shout like your mates?" The guy replied "please leave me alone i stuck to the cooking p...

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a la...

In a mental asylum Jack tries to kill himself by jumping into the pool.

Sally jumps in and rescues him.
The head of the asylum immediaty calls Sally to release her (someone who does somthing like that must be sane).
“Sally, I have good news and bad news :
The good news is that you are going home.
The bad news is that Jack hanged himself..”
Sally immediatl...

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Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie Mouse...

Mickey Mouse is in court filing for a divorce from Minnie. One day during the process, Mickey's lawyer comes up to him and says, "You know, you told me that your wife was crazy, but she seems perfectly sane to me."
"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey replied, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

Trump visiting a psychiatric hospital.

While visiting Trump asks how to determine if one has a psychiatric problem.

There is a test, says the doctor. They fill a bathtub with water and gives the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and asks the patient to empty the tub.

Trump then asks: "Wouldn't the normally sane persons no...

Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt an...

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

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What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt?

You sane, Bolt

And then their was that mental patient that...

In a psychological hospital/asylum, a patient fell in the pool outside and another patient, named Guy, bravely rescued him from drowning. A doctor saw this and went to a meeting with the other doctors. After the meeting they decided that Guy can go back to the society now that he is sane again. When...

A test of sanity

The director of a psych ward suspects some patients of being completely sane. He calls for 3 suspicious patients to have them perform a simple test.

“Look, this is a steel door. If you manage to get through the key hole, you get a special prize.”

The first patient charges the d...

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathr...

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A journalist is writing an article about a mental hospital

He asks the head doctor the following question.

'How do you establish whether a patient can leave the asylum?'

'Well, we have little exercises to establish their mental state. If they complete such exercises correctly, they're judged fit to leave.'

'Could you give me an example?...

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A guy starts working on an oil rig in Newfoundland

...he meets the boss of the company, is introduced to his duties and works hard for 3 months. His supervisor is impressed by his work and tells him:

"You've been working your ass off and deserve break, here are the keys to the company car, go into town and have yourself a good time"

Th...

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