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Consecutive Jokes

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

Miss 3 consecutive payments of Tesla

The car drives itself back to the sales house

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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What does a woman say after three consecutive orgasms?

You mean you don't know?

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

I love driving through consecutive green lights

It really keeps me going.

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going o...

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

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I had a run in with an officer...

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

...

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

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A man goes to the doctor because his wife has lost sexual desire completely

The doctor gives him 5 powerful pills to give her every night for five days consecutively.

As soon as the man arrives his home he goes all-in, gives his wife 3 pills and takes the other 2 himself. Two hours later they are both sweating and getting naked.

Wife: ”I need a dick right now!...

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.

The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta kno...

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A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind ma...

*clone of me* quick! shoot her! she’s the clone!

my friend who’s known me since birth: ...

my friend who knows every aspect of me: ...

my boyfriend: ...

my sister: ...

my brother: ...

everyone consecutively: you’re the clone! she would never pass up an opportunity to die!

me: so close.....

A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

A man walks into a small town bar and orders 3 beers...

He drinks all three and then leaves. He comes back at the same time next week and orders three more, drinks them, and leaves.

After a few weeks of this the bartender says, “Hey man, I’ve gotta ask.. you only come in once a week at the same exact time, drink exactly three beers, and then leave...

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

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NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the ...

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LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the thi...

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Fun Facts

The reason that their are only 49 contestants in the Miss America Contest is because nobody wants to wear a banner that says "IDAHO"

My mind is like a bear trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 AM! Can you believe it? He's lucky I was up playing wit...

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