UPJOKE
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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

There’s a rumor that Trump is fleeing to Canada...

It isn’t Trudeau.

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

You may have heard a rumor that Everest's first camp was destroyed in an avalanche.

Don't believe it, though. The claim is baseless.

There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?

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Rumor has it there is a homosexual in our office.

I hope it's Craig he's really cute.

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

A man went to a local shop, even though there were rumors going around that it was haunted, hadn’t heard them yet.

The shopkeeper came to him and said, “I must warn you young man, every item here comes with a price.”

The man said, “yes I know how stores work.”

The shopkeeper, now frustrated, said, “But these items might come with a price that is larger than you plan for.”

The man, also fru...

Grammar Lesson.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with a Native American Indian medicine man (on a nearby reservation) who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and sa...

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Did you guys hear the latest rumor on butter?

Well.......... I’m not gonna be the one who spreads it!

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess...

...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

Rumor has it Bruce Lee once owned a pet bear

Its name was Grizz Lee!

I keep hearing that there are rumors going around that I am bulimic!

Just the thought of that makes me want to puke!

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

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There’s a rumor that someone in my class is gay...

I really hope it’s John, he’s hot as fuck.

Freshman from rival colleges...

...were each camping out around their fires on opposite banks of a river.

The freshman on the left bank got to talking. The first student points toward the river and says, "You know, I heard that the students that go to that school are all idiots."

The second student says "Yeah! I hear...

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

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Hey, I heard some rumors about your buttchecks

And I just want to know who spread them

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Rumor has it that a movie about Reddit was recently scrapped

Apparently there was already a movie called "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

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I heard a rumor about the fertilizer industry.

Apparently, it's a very shitty buisness.

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

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Rumor has it...

There’s a cliff you can leap off of, shout out a word, and land in whatever you said.

Three men heard of this rumor and traveled to that cliff. One man leaps off and shouts, “Hundred dollar bills!” Sure enough, he lands in enough money to last him the rest of his life.

The next man jum...

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

Rumor has it that the Canadian immigration website crashed because..,

Amy Schumer was on it

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There's a rumor that if you play a Nickleback album backwards it plays satanic messages. But that's nothing....

... if you play it forwards it plays a Nickleback album.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true.

"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Why don't you tell rumors in a Botox Clinic?

Nobody raises an eyebrow

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There's a rumor going around that someone in our friend group is gay.

I hope is Dillon, he's really cute.

Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building.

It's the highest court in the land.

Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters.

Big, if true.

The rumor never died, even as Gabenism was revived...

It is the year 3015. A boy is browsing the history books when he finds one that (poorly) depicts the 21st century. In it, there is a section called "Valve and early religions."

The boy becomes interested and revives Gabenism.

His parents took an interest in their boy's new found passio...

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There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

I heard a rumor that a certain 17th century metaphysical poet was cheap...

But who wants to tip a waitress who insists, before one has even finished the appetizer, that he must be Donne.

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A billionaire goes searching for the true meaning of life

One day, after several weeks of heavy partying, drinking and doing drugs, a billionaire playboy wakes up in a pool of his own piss and vomit, among bunch of people he doesn't know, in a place he doesn't even remember coming to.

Feeling empty and disgusted with what he has become, he then and ...

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

Minister Shoigu

There are rumors in Moscow, that minister Shoigu commited suicide. One concerned Russian called Moscow radio station and asked if he really commited suicide and if they knew what were his last words. The answer was: "Minister Shoigu really committed suicide and his last words were: Comrades do not s...

What do you call a camel that loves to divulge in rumors?

A dramadarie queen

M&M's Redesigns Its Characters' Looks and Personalities to Be 'Representative of Today's Society'

It's rumored the Yellow M&M is going trans and getting his nut removed.

If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car...

Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean!

Lots of rumors that Trump is a functional illiterate, but it's Fake News...

He's tremendously dysfunctional, big league. Ok? Ok.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

A joke I made up

There once lived an unmarried, flamboyant, lustful king who chased women and slept with everyone in his court. The day came for him to be married, and he went to see a local lord who was rumored to have two beautiful daughters. The king went to  meet the lord and his two beautiful daughters. After l...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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Rumors are that Harry Styles is BiSexual according to a recent interview

I hear they're going to change the name of the band to 'Both Directions'

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

Hoping to get over the pandemic this year...

It's been pretty bad since the world caught covid 19 in 2019. I've been hearing rumors about the possibility of new variants all over the news. Let's hope we don't catch 22 this year.

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

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The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

Blood is thicker than water, as everyone knows. But some people have started saying water is thicker than blood.

Don't worry though, it's just a viscous rumor.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

In honor of Father's day, a dad joke

There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.


He'll be Bach

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

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