An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

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Did you hear the rumor about butter ?

Well, I''m not going to spread it

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

Rumor has it this one won a "best joke" contest

A man gets a job driving the Sesame Street school bus.

It's his first day...

At stop number one, a husky young girl gets on. "I'm Patty," she says.

Stop number two sees a chubby young lady. "Hi, Patty!" She calls. "Hi, Patty!" says the first girl.

At the next, a mother...

The rumors about the Clintons are true!

The proof is tha

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

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Hey, I heard some rumors about your buttchecks

And I just want to know who spread them

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

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Rumor has it...

There’s a cliff you can leap off of, shout out a word, and land in whatever you said.

Three men heard of this rumor and traveled to that cliff. One man leaps off and shouts, “Hundred dollar bills!” Sure enough, he lands in enough money to last him the rest of his life.

The next man jum...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

In honor of Father's day, a dad joke

There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.


He'll be Bach

You know about that rumor, that vaccines cause autism?

Don't worry, it'll die down in around three years or so.

Why don't you tell rumors in a Botox Clinic?

Nobody raises an eyebrow

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

What did Donald Trump tweet after hearing there was a rumor going around that he hung himself?

FAKE NOOSE!

Ever heard of the blind gynaecologists?

Rumor has it he could read lips.

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A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

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There's a rumor going around that someone in our friend group is gay.

I hope is Dillon, he's really cute.

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There’s a rumor that someone in my class is gay...

I really hope it’s John, he’s hot as fuck.

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

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I heard a rumor about the fertilizer industry.

Apparently, it's a very shitty buisness.

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

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I really hate my past self,

rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.

Rumor has it that the Canadian immigration website crashed because..,

Amy Schumer was on it

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There's a rumor that if you play a Nickleback album backwards it plays satanic messages. But that's nothing....

... if you play it forwards it plays a Nickleback album.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building.

It's the highest court in the land.

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true.

"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

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Rumor has it the Amish and the Japanese are working on a new vehicle together...

...they plan on calling it the ToYoder.

If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car...

Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean!

Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters.

Big, if true.

2020 has an awful beginning, God send out angels

Angels fly to Jan 28th in Jamaica and alert people "there will be a big earthquake". people saved there say to angels: "you saved many lives, please have a rest!"

Angels fly to Jan 26th in L.A USA and alert Kobe" there will be a flight crash", Kobe saved and says to angels "you saved many li...

The rumor never died, even as Gabenism was revived...

It is the year 3015. A boy is browsing the history books when he finds one that (poorly) depicts the 21st century. In it, there is a section called "Valve and early religions."

The boy becomes interested and revives Gabenism.

His parents took an interest in their boy's new found passio...

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There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

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Rumors are that Harry Styles is BiSexual according to a recent interview

I hear they're going to change the name of the band to 'Both Directions'

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man sl...

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The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

Did you hear about the drop in Amazon's stock?

It was caused by rumors of mass fires.

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The lion is having a party

and invites all animals, but the frog.
The frog, wanting to join the party badly, asks several animals if they could smuggle him to the party. After a dozen denials he goes to the silly bear, who agrees to put the frog in his chest pocket.

The day of the party comes and everybody is havin...

German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how t...

A man is sentenced to death by firing squad

On the day he is going to get executed, he doesn't ask for a last meal or anything special like that.


When he is standing facing the firing squad he asks the guard one thing


Man: I am a music lover and I didn't ask for anything special on my last day. Can you please let me sing...

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

An American visits an Irish bar.

Having heard about the drinking habits of the Irish he challenges the Irish:
"I'll give 100$ if any of you can drink 10 pints back-to-back!!"

No one takes the bet, but a man leaves immediately.
After 30 minutes the man returns, approaches the American and asks if the bet is still up. Th...

The CEO of a large shoe manufacturer was just fired

Rumor has it, he was cooking the Brooks

I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

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An Old Jewish Joke

Saul was struggling to take his last breaths when he asked his former business partner and ex-friend Seymour to come to his bedside.

“Seymour,” said Saul barely able to breathe. “I’m dying. But before I go, there’s some things I have to get off my chest.”

“Please Saul,” said Seymour. ...

Liberace was great on the piano and all.

But crazy rumor had it that he sucked on the organ.

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Three nuns

Three nuns, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.

Priest said to them : I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I ...

I just heard Paul Bettany is going to star in a standalone movie for the MCU which will begin filming later this year.

If the rumors are true, we're getting 2020 Vision.

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A middle aged white man steps up to a urinal.

While he is doing his business a large black fellow takes up the stall next to him. Eventually curiosity overrides his better judgement and the white man leans back a bit to see if the rumors are true. Suddenly he notices a tattoo on the black mans penis and explains “Hey no way! You and I have the ...

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John owned the local florist shop.

The shop had been in his family for five generations -- and he loved his work. He was a part of people’s lives, from their first prom, to valentines gifts, birthdays, weddings, and even funerals -- he loved his work, and the town loved him. Life for him, his wife Susan, his mom Louis, and their thre...

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[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight frien...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

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A well-endowed man has a 25-inch penis...

But it is too much for the ladies. So you goes to a doctor saying, "Doc, you got to help me. I have a 25-inch penis but it is too big. I need to make it smaller. What can I do?"

The doctor tells him, "Listen, I can't do anything for you, but rumor has it that there is a talking frog in the fo...

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The princess wouldn't let prince make love to her

Ages ago there was a kingdom where a royal wedding took place.

Prince and a princess had a feast and then went to their chambers to consume their marriage, but there was a problem - the princess wouldn't let prince make love to her.

The prince waited and tried every day for next couple...

The rapper and the artifact

A very famous artifact recovered from an old monastery had been set for auction, with the promise that the money would go to an orphanage supported by the same monastery. This artifact was one of a kind, nobody knew exactly what it was but they knew that it was incredibly rare. Very few people knew ...

Nobody knows how a Wookiee taste.

Rumor has it that at least one is Chewie.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

Religion and squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirr...

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the “pizza” was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

T...

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