Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

My son came home as I was taking his bedroom door off the hinges

he asked "Dad, what are you doing?"

"We've updated our privacy policy"

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

Anyone ever hear any updates on Aaron Hernandez?

I feel like the media really left us hanging.

Damn girl are you a windows update?

'Cause I'll do you later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

\----------

Wanted to...

I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

Girl, are you a Windows update?

Because not now.

My dad accidentally threw a cheese grater at me,

So I left the room and he yelled “come back here you ungrateful child” while laughing hysterically.

Update 1: my mum just told me if I had a ‘shred’ of decency I would go back in there.

Update 2: my dad apologised and told me he had only done it for the ‘grater’ good

Why didn't Arnold Schwarzenegger want to update to windows 10?

"I still like Vista, baby...'"

Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . .

Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

PUBG just put up a new update

The game sure is running smoothly now

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

A lion would never drive while drunk. (Update)

Neither would a Tiger, apparently.

Last week all the toilets were stolen from the local police station in my town...

The sheriff just recently released an update; unfortunately they still have nothing to go on.

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters

It's called the iPatch.

Really not liking this new Reddit app update.

I'm going to be sharing it all day.

I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee

Phoney below knee.

Also. Not joking, totally doing it.

Update: https://imgur.com/a/A3MNdk1

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

His matey told him he needed an iPatch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22

A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds!

Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go.

A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms ...

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

Update on Robert from the Paid a Homeless Lady in Nashville $1 for 2 Jokes

Thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/ 2nd and 4th posts.

I received information today that Robert passed away in San Diego in August. This is the only information I will post.

Mods, if you don't mind letting this one camp a...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

I just love the new minecraft update.

It's groundbreaking.

One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.

The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.

The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."

The man says ...

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mister Mxyzptlk robs a bank.

It's a really high profile case, so the chief is all over the lead detective, calling him every few minutes for updates. The detective reviews the security footage and recognizes Mister Mxyzptlk. Not three seconds later the phone rings.

"Detective! I've got the mayor all over my ass on this o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

When I go to the pool

When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first hooker...

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

Mariah Carey

That awesome performance.



Update: thanks for helping me get to the front page of r/jokes

What do you call when a robot buys new clothes?

A soft wear update

Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.

After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but...

Jim moves out for university, and leaves his mother and cat in the hands of his younger brother.

Jim gets to university and is so busy with moving in, making friends and starting classes that he doesn't phone home until a week later.

When he calls home, his brother, Bob, answers. He asks how things are going.

"Um, good I guess..." Bob replied hesitantly.

Worried, Jim asks w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Monk's Secret

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

A man goes on vacation...

And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat.

"Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."

Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes h...

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