I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

They must have updated the definition of WAP.

I no longer see Wireless Access Points on Google...

Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:

8:00: 1

8:10: 0

9:23: 1

9:28: 0

0:13: 1

0:20 0

1:47: 1

1:55: 0

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

I was feeling anxious about the future today, but then I updated Microsoft Office

It improved my outlook.

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

Yo momma so fat

the only date she can get is a windows update.

Corona virus update..

My house has never been so clean

North Korea providing updated coronavirus case numbers every 30 minutes today -

8:00AM - 1 case
8:30AM - 0 cases
9:00AM - 1 case
9:30AM - 0 cases
10:00AM - 1 case
10:30AM - 0 cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

boris johnson,scotsman,welshman,irishman updated

the 4 above are on a plane,malfunction and the plane starts to go down

theres only 1 parachute

scotsman (sacrificing himself)bravely shouts "For Scotland!"and jumps out

welshman (also sacrificing himself)shouts "For Wales!"and jumps out!

irishman shouts "For Ireland" and ...

Urgent update.. everyone please uninstall and reinstall 2020..

It has a deadly virus!

North Korea COVID19 update today.

8:00 am: 0
9:15 am: 1
9:16 am: 0
10:16 am: 0
11:45 am: 1
11:46 am: 0

They seem to have found the cure to deal with the corono virus! 🦠

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
“Just leave it outside, Thank you!”

(2020 update)

Update- Mexico has 2000 plus cases of Corona

At the Corona beer factory warehouse

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

What do you call it when a male app meets a female app?

An update.

Outback Steakhouse just updated their menu ....

You can order all all sorts of new and authentic Australian cuisine... but it’s all well done

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

British archaeologists have issued an exciting new Brexit update today.

By digging 96 feet below the Westminster.

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! 


Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? 


iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

Android phone can be so annoying

Just received a notification that my bible needs update, for what exactly?
Has Adam eaten another apple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minecraft update

There will be a item added where you can stick fireworks up mobs butts and launch them

You'll find the tool in the missile anus section

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

Damn girl are you a windows update?

'Cause I'll do you later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every update thread in /r/relationship_advice

update: just broke up with my shithead of a partner

Girl, are you a Windows update?

Because not now.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Anyone ever hear any updates on Aaron Hernandez?

I feel like the media really left us hanging.

Don't trust your Spotify discover weekly because it was updated on April fool's.

Just sayin

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . .

Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

\----------

Wanted to...

I just noticed the Periodic Table has been updated recently. Welcome #119- "AH"!

The element of surprise!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had three girlfriends – repost updated for 2018

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a Brazilian wax, a new hair color, LASIK – the works...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

My girlfriend, Serenity, asked me to guess her overweight sister’s name

Her other sisters name was Charity, so it was obvious to me what her the overweight sisters name would be
Update: My girlfriend is yelling at me. Apparently her name was harmony, not obesity.

PUBG just put up a new update

The game sure is running smoothly now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

What do you call a month with a disability?

*Augustic*

(I just made that up! How bad is it?...)

UPDATE - So it turns out ... it's really bad, apparently, like, bad-bad. BUT what if I phrased it:

**What do you call a disabled month?**

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I sneezed on the anti-vaxxer and gave him the flu.

Update: He died and know they are gonna sue.

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee

Phoney below knee.

Also. Not joking, totally doing it.

Update: https://imgur.com/a/A3MNdk1

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

I tried to play Doom on my car, but it crashed.

I might need to update the driver.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I'll post an update tomorrow.

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

A lion would never drive while drunk. (Update)

Neither would a Tiger, apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quality assurance joke about sex (NSFW)

There was a quality assurance bug tester who was interested in getting pregnant. She read on a factual website that having sex without a condom will make you pregnant, so that's what she did. However, a month later, she was not pregnant.

Frustrated, she submitted a complaint to the website th...

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters

It's called the iPatch.

If I had a dollar for every time an Xbox had an update I'd be...

Bill Gates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first hooker...

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would gi...

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