arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

Why couldn’t the self-driving car start after its interface update?

It didn’t download the right drivers

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I sneezed on the anti-vaxxer and gave him the flu.

Update: He died and know they are gonna sue.

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

I tried to play Doom on my car, but it crashed.

I might need to update the driver.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I'll post an update tomorrow.

My dad accidentally threw a cheese grater at me,

So I left the room and he yelled “come back here you ungrateful child” while laughing hysterically.

Update 1: my mum just told me if I had a ‘shred’ of decency I would go back in there.

Update 2: my dad apologised and told me he had only done it for the ‘grater’ good

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

\----------

Wanted to...

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

What do you call a month with a disability?

*Augustic*

(I just made that up! How bad is it?...)

UPDATE - So it turns out ... it's really bad, apparently, like, bad-bad. BUT what if I phrased it:

**What do you call a disabled month?**

A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

Last week all the toilets were stolen from the local police station in my town...

The sheriff just recently released an update; unfortunately they still have nothing to go on.

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

Opens box of cereal...

We’ve updated our Privacy Policy.

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every update thread in /r/relationship_advice

update: just broke up with my shithead of a partner

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds

I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee

Phoney below knee.

Also. Not joking, totally doing it.

Update: https://imgur.com/a/A3MNdk1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

Don't trust your Spotify discover weekly because it was updated on April fool's.

Just sayin

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to " I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.

The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.

The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."

The man says ...

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me she would have sex with me anytime if I would do some work around the house on that day.

I took her up on her offer and the last 30 days of sex and home improvements I've replaced windows, painted inside and out, put in new flooring and updated the kitchen.

In a few weeks I'll be able to sell this place and move in with my girlfriend.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

What do you call when a robot buys new clothes?

A soft wear update

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

His matey told him he needed an iPatch

The last man on Earth was sitting alone in a room, when all of a sudden his phone rang...

“We’ve updated our privacy policy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22

A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds!

Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go.

A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms ...

Teleports behind you

We've updated our Privacy & Policy

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Update on Robert from the Paid a Homeless Lady in Nashville $1 for 2 Jokes

Thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/ 2nd and 4th posts.

I received information today that Robert passed away in San Diego in August. This is the only information I will post.

Mods, if you don't mind letting this one camp a...

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