I identify as an IOS update...

No-one likes me, I'm useless and I steal your personal data.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous..

I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

Did you here that all newly elected politicians have to take an updated oath of office?

It’s now called the Hypocratic Oath...

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

Why are smart lights turned off when they update ?

To not attract bugs

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

I've recently updated my will

It's now a Bill

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

I’m excited for Minecraft’s caves&cliffs update

But it will probably have its ups and downs.

Wanna know what's more useless than your life?

Reddit Green dot update.

They must have updated the definition of WAP.

I no longer see Wireless Access Points on Google...

I am suing American Airlines for losing my luggage

Update: I lost the case

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!

-----------

This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

Update, the answer is "Nitro" which i...

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

I was feeling anxious about the future today, but then I updated Microsoft Office

It improved my outlook.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

Becoming a dad is stressful.

One day a man walked into a bar;
Bartender: "hello mate, what can I get you? You look quite tense!"
Man: "beer please, my wife is giving birth, she's had one but the doctors say there's more on the way and to keep myself occupied!"

An hour passes so the man uses the public phone in the ...

It’s 294 days after the US Election...

...Biden has progressed to 269.99 electoral votes, and Nevada has discovered 26 million uncounted postal votes that were discovered on ‘Storage Wars’. More updates coming soon.

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.

Corona virus update..

My house has never been so clean

North Korea providing updated coronavirus case numbers every 30 minutes today -

8:00AM - 1 case
8:30AM - 0 cases
9:00AM - 1 case
9:30AM - 0 cases
10:00AM - 1 case
10:30AM - 0 cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an international man of mystery

I leave the nation and nobody knows who the fuck I am.

Update I guess I’m a national man of mystery too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

North Korea COVID19 update today.

8:00 am: 0
9:15 am: 1
9:16 am: 0
10:16 am: 0
11:45 am: 1
11:46 am: 0

They seem to have found the cure to deal with the corono virus! 🦠

Update- Mexico has 2000 plus cases of Corona

At the Corona beer factory warehouse

While taking a census an official approached the home of Mrs Karen

After asking her a series of questions and taking down her replies, he asked her age. She chuckled bashfully and replied," have you asked the Ms Hills next door?" " No" was his confused reply. " I'm about as old as them" she told.

The next week she went to check her updated details and she s...

Outback Steakhouse just updated their menu ....

You can order all all sorts of new and authentic Australian cuisine... but it’s all well done

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
“Just leave it outside, Thank you!”

(2020 update)

British archaeologists have issued an exciting new Brexit update today.

By digging 96 feet below the Westminster.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

Damn girl are you a windows update?

'Cause I'll do you later

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Girl, are you a Windows update?

Because not now.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

Yo momma so fat

the only date she can get is a windows update.

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

What do you call it when a male app meets a female app?

An update.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! 


Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? 


iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls his wife's doctor desperately seeking an update on her tests. "Doc, this is Mr. Alberston. Did you get the test results back on my wife?"

The doctor replies "Yes, we did. But we're a little unclear... she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's".

Mr. Alberston asks frantically "W..What do I do?"

Take her out for a drive. Drop her a few miles from the house. If she comes home, don't fuck her"

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . .

Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.

Anyone ever hear any updates on Aaron Hernandez?

I feel like the media really left us hanging.

If you have bought a new monitor, don't forget to update your refreshrate.

Otherwise, it only Hertz in your wallet.

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

Don't trust your Spotify discover weekly because it was updated on April fool's.

Just sayin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I just noticed the Periodic Table has been updated recently. Welcome #119- "AH"!

The element of surprise!

Android phone can be so annoying

Just received a notification that my bible needs update, for what exactly?
Has Adam eaten another apple.

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

My personal driver has died recently

Guess I'll have to update the driver

PUBG just put up a new update

The game sure is running smoothly now

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had three girlfriends – repost updated for 2018

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a Brazilian wax, a new hair color, LASIK – the works...

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

A lion would never drive while drunk. (Update)

Neither would a Tiger, apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first hooker...

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would gi...

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters

It's called the iPatch.

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