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Never Heard Jokes

I've never heard a good circumcision joke.

They always get cut off right at the end.

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

never heard this before

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who ?

DISH IS SEAN CONNERY

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...

Why have you never heard a mole sing?

He is too underground

Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget.

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One I've never heard outside family reunions.

Three men are in a fiery car crash and all are killed instantly. They go to heaven. At the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. "There's my favorite dead guys," he says. "Look, there's only one rule here. Don't step on a duck." The gates open to reveal every inch apparently covered in ducks.
...

Some homeless man got overly angry with me when i said i have never heard of the newspaper he was selling

I don’t know what the big issue was

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

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I've never heard of a lazy composter

They've usually got their shit together :)

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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You've never heard of the 10th Reindeer?

The first eight are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

The 9th is Rudolth the red nosed reindeer, and the 10th is the jerk called Olive.

Why do i call him a jerk? You know... Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

Here's a joke you've never heard before

Because it's in writing.

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

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A new STD I had never heard about

Bobby and Ginger were making passionate love in Bobby’s mini van when suddenly Ginger, not at all shy, yelled out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''

Bobby, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the win...

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I just bought a Mitch Hedburg Album I've never heard before. "Mitch Hedburg: The Lost Jokes"

It was blank.

My 8 year old daughter just told me a Joke I had never heard before.

Why can't you hear a Pysduck urinating ?
Because the p is silent.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

I was on a date and mentioned to her how I saw a great post on Reddit. She said she’s never heard of Reddit.

I replied that I’m not sure I can date someone who’s never heard of Reddit.

Then she said: “Ok…now do you want anything else or shall I bring you the check?”

I had never heard of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon before about a week ago

But now I'm seeing it everywhere.

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A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That...

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

My SO told me she had never heard of Einstein's Theory of Relativity before today.

I said, "It's about time!"

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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A local radio station is having a contest: The first person to call in with a word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "goan... G-O-A-N. Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," argues the caller.

"Well, then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.

The caller replies, "Goan fuck yourself...

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

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Okay I'm going to reach back in my memory here and pull out an old Buddy Hackett jokes. If you've never heard of him before I'd suggest that you look him up on YouTube. He was in a few movies. The one I remember was was it's a mad mad mad mad world. I might have missed a mad or two on the title.

So I'm walking down the street one day. Minding my own business. When down the middle of the street. To Hurst came by. One following the other. Behind that, there was a man with the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. And behind that it was like 97 guys, all with their wallet in their hand. So be...

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I am sixty years old and I have never heard a penis joke!

They're not much disposed to talk, and the little they do have to say is never funny.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

My dad just told me this, Im sure you guys have never heard it before

Passenger: I've never been on an airplane

Pilot: yeah, me neither

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 4!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one.

A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, "Are you new here?"

Man goes in a jewellers

Man goes in a jewellers says I want to buy a potato clock

Jeweller says, I've never heard of one. I've got grandfather, cuckoo and wall clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock.

Man says I'm starting a new job at 9 tomorrow & the wife said, you'd better get a potato clock

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A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

My friend told me he's never heard of Super Mario.

"Really?" I asked.
"Nope. Never." He signed.

A guy walks in a small town grocery store

He proceeds to ask the seller:

"Do you have camembert cheese?"

To which the seller asks:

"What is camembert cheese? Never heard of it before."

Arrogantly, our guy says:

"Well, it's a soft cheese with white mould on top, it's a delicacy."

Seller ponders a bit...

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...

Jealous Potential Ex-Girlfriend: “Who was that girl you were talking to?”

Guy: “Huh? Oh that was Yabi, an old friend of mine.”

JPEG: “Yabi?? I’ve never heard of her before!”

Guy: “Yabi Zeness? I swear you two have met.”

JPEG: “Absolutely not. What did she want?”

Guy: “Oh she just let me know she recently joined the church on the corner. She’s g...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

I'm not a loner.

Well, I've never heard anyone ever call me one.

I’m learning sign language…

Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.

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What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

Rooster goes CockaDOODLEDOOO!!

Prostitute goes AnyCOCKLEDOOO!!


(Such an old joke maybe some of these young redditors have never heard it ;)

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

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A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy: ...

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A cowboy enters a Wild West town.

Sees all the streets are empty, only one old man sitting quietly in the sun.

\- Hello sir, - he says. - Where is everybody?

\- Ah, everyone's off hanging Brown-Paper-Joe.

\- Who's that? Never heard of him.

\- Well, it's a guy here who's got a brown paper shirt, a brown pa...

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

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