Why are bachelors skinny and married guys fat?

Bachelors go to the fridge, don't see anything they like, and go to bed. Married guys go to bed, don't see anything they like, and go to the fridge.

My friend the sheep herder had his bachelor party.

He was so happy I gave him velcro gloves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were talking at a Bachelor party

The first man says to the other "Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay? I wonder which one it is?"
The other man said, "I hope it's Jeff, he's cute"

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It doesnt really matter which girls wins 'The Bachelor'

He's still gay

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stripper from the bachelor party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the onl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the night of Bill's bachelor party.

His friends took him to the local nightclub, but there was a huge line to the parking lot. It was about 2 hours before they were able to find a spot.
They got to the club, but there was a line to get in. They sat and waited, but it was about 2 hours before they were able to get into the club. ...

Do you know the difference between a bachelor and a toilet?

A bachelor is single, you see, and a toilet is WC.

What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds

Because of the recurring SIX

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

I don't know why people knock dad jokes, women love them.

Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes.

My friend said he didn't want anyone to hire strippers for his Bachelor Party

So I'm getting ones who will do it just for the exposure.

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?

Bachelors return from work. See the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' n go to 'BED'.

Married Men return from work. See the same boring stuff in 'BED' n go to the 'FRIDGE'.

Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?

It's usually hand made.

What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party?

It was when the cake came out of the girl.

I went to a bulimic bachelor party last weekend

A cake jumped out of the stripper.

What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive?

Terminal illness.

What was Boaz like when he was a bachelor?

Ruthless.

I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree

That's a bunch of B.S.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] So I met this girl at a bar...

She was looking at me for a while so I went in and I made my move. I said, "Hi". She said, "Hi."

She said, "Umm... I think you're the father of one of my children."

I was taken aback. I didn't say a word. Then I slowly remembered...

"O wait a minute," I said. "I've always tak...

I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most?

Balonely sandwiches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the old black woman say to the guy who worked ten years for his bachelor's?

I worked 50 for my masters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Hitler's bachelor party?

The Reich-stag!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day after a bachelor party... (NSFW)

Three buddies go to a friend's bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
"Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!" The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
"I was so hammered, I went in m...

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

The man is worried, since his fiance is a virgin and he has abstained from sex since they started dating. His buddies assure him it will be just a few lap dances and nothing more. As one o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

Sherlock Irritates Watson

A confirmed bachelor, Sherlock Holmes did not have a lack of admirers willing to satisfy all his carnal needs, but yet he chose to be single, which irritated Watson to no end. As a sidekick, Watson did not get to enjoy the constant fawning of young nubile flesh willing to submit to his every wish. O...

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

Can't cook

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, ...

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

So this farmer owns a single female pig. He wants her to have piglets...

...so(w) he asks around the village for any eligible bachelor boars. Turns out there aren't any, but there's this fella at a nearby village who runs a Rent-A-Boar service, charging by the coupling.

The next morning, our farmer gets up early, attaches the trailer to his tractor, gets the pig o...

A mother and father named their child "Odd".

Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.


In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He...

I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honest degree slogans

Diploma: Have fun with those loans, guys...

Associates: Man, fuck this.

Bachelor's: Middle class af

Masters: d i f f e r e n t i a t i o n

Doctors: You did it for the title, doc

Postdoc: The prospect of not going to school scares you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people are shipped wrecked on a desert island

A man, his wife, and a bachelor. The bachelor sees a tall tree and says "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The couple agrees and relaxes on the beach.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams "hey! Stop fucking!" The couple ...

Why couldn't She read His Valentine's Day Card?

Because he was an illegible bachelor.

Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man gets married. NSFW

Jim ends up getting married to his girlfriend named Wendy. And the night of his bachelor party he ends up getting very drunk, and got his girlfriend name tattooed on his penis. And he is so proud that he shows her on the night of their wedding. But when she sees it it just she just see the "wy". Onc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my bachelor party, whilst your friend whipped me, and your other frie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes shopping...

...to the supermarket. At the cashier, there is a pretty long queue. In the queue next to him, a hot blonde smiles at him. The dude says:

"Hmm, do we know each other?"

"I'm not sure, but I think you might just be the father of one of my kids!"

The guy thinks about the only time ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar to celebrate his last night out before he gets married

He pulls up a stool and orders a hard drink right off the bat.

The bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

"Well, it's my last night out to do anything fun and crazy before I tie the knot"

"Congratulations! This ones on the house, I wish y'all the best of luck."

"Thanks m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Shiny Shoes

An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off.

Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees.

"How about a bet?" He asks th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mister Bear and Mister Rabbit were running...

...through the forest.

They ran into a fairy and she gave each of them three wishes, taking turns doing one at a time.

Mr Bear bursts forward "I'll go first."

"I wish I was the most eligible bachelor in the whole forest."

The fairy makes it so.

Mr Rabbit asked for ...

If a lady doth entertain many a suitor in a fortnight, she is of questionable moral character...

But should a gentleman follow suit, a true and confirmed bachelor is *that* dear fellow! Huzzah!

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There lived a farmer whose daughter was the most beautiful woman in the county.

When she was of marrying age the farmer rounded up the three most eligible bachelors in the county. "You three are my finalists,” he declared. "The first one who can pass my gauntlet I will give my daughter's hand in marriage. Now, the gauntlet consists of four tests. You must run through my field a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping when he notices a hot blond girl is staring at him

After a while he asks her: "I'm sorry, but do we know each other?". She replies: "Yeah, I think you are the father of one of my children."

The man knows very well he only cheated once and clearly remembers everything that happened so lowers his voice: "Ah, then you must be the call-girl from ...

Marriage Jokes...more like facts

Marriage Jokes

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went shopping

A man went shopping for some supplies in one of those overpriced stores. He got what he came for, and went to stand in line to check out. A young, attractive woman was waving to him, and he wondered why she would notice an old geezer like himself. He made his way over to her, and asked, "why did you...

A young potato's night out

A young bachelor potato decides he wants a night out on the town. He hops in the shower and gets nice and clean, puts on some nice cologne, shaves off all those little hairs and puts on his best jacket. He decides to head down to a local bar for a drink and see where the night goes. As he orders his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Bless America

Last weekend, I go down to Atlantic City for my friend's bachelor party and inevitably they invite strippers. The strippers stay and party with us after they put on a show for us, and I start to get to know one pretty well- her name's Jane, she likes cats, she goes on fishing trips and shit.

...

Two guys were waiting for the train at a busy train station...

bored by the wait, the first guy decides to have fun. He gazes across the distance and spots a lonely bald man and challenges his friend to go smack him on his head for twenty bucks.
The second guy accepts the challenge. He goes behind the bald guy and slaps the man behind his shiny bald head - ...

A man with amazing sideburns

A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there was a princess.

This princess could never get her father, the king, to approve of any man she brought home. She brought home a baker, a farmer, a lord, even a few knights, but no matter their social standing, wealth, or intelligence, her father would not approve. Exasperated with trying and failing to find a prince...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The $40 joke

Steve is going out for his buddy's bachelor party. It's been planned for months. He gets home from work and quickly starts getting ready. His lady, Tina, surprises him with a fancy dress shirt for the big night. "Aw thanks babe, it's amazing". She tells him it was really expensive but "he's worth it...

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...

Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:"Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive...

A Classic Arab Joke I'd Like to Share [Long-Form]

A young bachelor catches the sweet eyes of a girl in his neighborhood named Roula. Absolutely enthralled, the bachelor goes to his father to tell him about her. Upon telling him, the father looks gravely to his son and says,

"Oh no son... listen, I was a little bit reckless when I was youn...

Engineers will get it

They should call it a Bachelor because of Science.

My handwriting has gotten pretty bad...

I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.