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Bachelor Jokes

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Stripper from the bachelor party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the onl...

My friend the sheep herder had his bachelor party.

He was so happy I gave him velcro gloves.

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

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A man is walking through the grocery store, when a woman stops him and says

"I think you're the father of one of my kids!"

The guy stops for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers and points at her. "Wait! Aren't you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, while all my buddies watched, and your sidekick was spanking my ass with wet ce...

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Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

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A woman has to decide between three bachelors

A woman in her early thirties is desperate to get married and goes on dates with three elegible bachelors: One from Italy, one from France, and one from China. They have all been equally amazing to the woman, who took years and years to make her decision because she just couldn’t pick.

One da...

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

You know, absinthe plays a huge part in the origin of what we now call bachelor parties.

It was a tradition for a man's friends to take him to an upscale bar just before his wedding and order him a glass or two of the ol' green fairy. If he truly loved his fiancee and was ready for the match, it was a fun night away from her with friends, celebrating his love. If he was having doubts, i...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

\- End -

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Day after a bachelor party... (NSFW)

Three buddies go to a friend's bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
"Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!" The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
"I was so hammered, I went in m...

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

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Two men were talking at a Bachelor party

The first man says to the other "Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay? I wonder which one it is?"
The other man said, "I hope it's Jeff, he's cute"

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Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

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It doesnt really matter which girls wins 'The Bachelor'

He's still gay

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What do you call Hitler's bachelor party?

The Reich-stag!

Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?

The cake comes out of the girl.

What was Boaz like when he was a bachelor?

Ruthless.

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

What does a romantic bachelor and The Chinese Communist Party have in common?

They will both steal your heart.

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What does NFL football and the Bachelor have in common?

Both involve a bunch of people fighting over some balls and a ring

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Do you know the difference between a bachelor and a toilet?

A bachelor is single, you see, and a toilet is WC.

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I went to a bulimic bachelor party last weekend

A cake jumped out of the stripper.

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My friend said he didn't want anyone to hire strippers for his Bachelor Party

So I'm getting ones who will do it just for the exposure.

Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?

It's usually hand made.

A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a hot 25 year old woman

At the bachelor party, the first thing the billionaire's friends ask him is how he landed such a hot young woman.

"Easy," he said. "I lied about my age."

"Ah, you told her you're 40 or 45?" one friend asked.

"No," he replied. "I told her I'm 85."

I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most?

Balonely sandwiches.

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?

Bachelors return from work. See the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' n go to 'BED'.

Married Men return from work. See the same boring stuff in 'BED' n go to the 'FRIDGE'.

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree

That's a bunch of B.S.

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A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

The man is worried, since his fiance is a virgin and he has abstained from sex since they started dating. His buddies assure him it will be just a few lap dances and nothing more. As one o...

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A guy was shopping when he saw a gorgeous woman who looked oddly familiar.

"Hello," said the guy. "I think I've seen you somewhere before."

"You have seen me before!" replied the woman. "You're the father of one of my children."

The guy thought for a while and said, "I remember you now! You're that stripper from my bachelor party. I got drunk, and made passio...

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I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

If a married man graduates from the University his first time,

is he still given a **bachelor's** degree?

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A guy walks into a bar

A confirmed bachelor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I enjoy my life," he says to the bartender. "But sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be married." "I can help with that," the bartender replies. "Go find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you. Then buy her a hou...

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A doctor has sex with a patient

A doctor has sex with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.

So one part of his brain tells him: "don't worry, you're not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won't be the last. You're a bachelor too, it's fiiiine"...

A Classic Arab Joke I'd Like to Share [Long-Form]

A young bachelor catches the sweet eyes of a girl in his neighborhood named Roula. Absolutely enthralled, the bachelor goes to his father to tell him about her. Upon telling him, the father looks gravely to his son and says,

"Oh no son... listen, I was a little bit reckless when I was youn...

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A man is in a queue at a store and sees a busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my bachelor party, whilst your friend whipped me, and your other frie...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

I don't know why people knock dad jokes, women love them.

Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes.

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, c...

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

This will take awhile

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he holl...

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A guy goes into a bar to celebrate his last night out before he gets married

He pulls up a stool and orders a hard drink right off the bat.

The bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

"Well, it's my last night out to do anything fun and crazy before I tie the knot"

"Congratulations! This ones on the house, I wish y'all the best of luck."

"Thanks m...

If a lady doth entertain many a suitor in a fortnight, she is of questionable moral character...

But should a gentleman follow suit, a true and confirmed bachelor is *that* dear fellow! Huzzah!

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A man is shopping when he notices a hot blond girl is staring at him

After a while he asks her: "I'm sorry, but do we know each other?". She replies: "Yeah, I think you are the father of one of my children."

The man knows very well he only cheated once and clearly remembers everything that happened so lowers his voice: "Ah, then you must be the call-girl from ...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

Engineers will get it

They should call it a Bachelor because of Science.

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A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

Can't cook

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, ...

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3 people are shipped wrecked on a desert island

A man, his wife, and a bachelor. The bachelor sees a tall tree and says "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The couple agrees and relaxes on the beach.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams "hey! Stop fucking!" The couple ...

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.

Unfortunately, the husband ...

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

A man with amazing sideburns

A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

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A man goes shopping...

...to the supermarket. At the cashier, there is a pretty long queue. In the queue next to him, a hot blonde smiles at him. The dude says:

"Hmm, do we know each other?"

"I'm not sure, but I think you might just be the father of one of my kids!"

The guy thinks about the only time ...

Odd

A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from jo...

Two sisters

The matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and get married in no time." Says the matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Smith,"I've two sisters at ...

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

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Mister Bear and Mister Rabbit were running...

...through the forest.

They ran into a fairy and she gave each of them three wishes, taking turns doing one at a time.

Mr Bear bursts forward "I'll go first."

"I wish I was the most eligible bachelor in the whole forest."

The fairy makes it so.

Mr Rabbit asked for ...

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

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