So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

A timid friend of mine was arrested at the border for being a drug mule.

I didn't know he had it in him.

A timid little man was seated in the window seat of an airplane next to a scowling brute of a guy.

The little man was terrified of flying, and as soon as the plane took off, he felt sick. But his seatmate was fast asleep, and he couldn't figure out how to get past him to go to the bathroom. And then it was too late; he got sick all over the big guy. As he frantically wiped up the mess, careful no...

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .

A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I *really* don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits d...

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The Swan?

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their f...

The President visits a school

The President was visiting a school, and in one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"N...

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What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

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Definitely

A teacher has her lesson planned out for the day and asks her class to tell her something definite in the world.

One boy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue." But the teacher says "Maybe now, but what about when it's raining or snowing?" The child looks flustered as he stews over ...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy ...

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

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A woman is feeling confident so she goes to a bar by herself one night...

She sits down and buys herself a drink, a little timid but looking around to see if they are any attractive men. After a little while (and 3 vodka red bulls) she sees a man walk in and also sit down by himself. Feeling good, she walks over, sits down, and introduces herself.

She and the man c...

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Mummy or daddy?

A timid petty criminal gets sent to prison for repeat offences. When he arrives at his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate, a huge tattooed maniac of a man. Mr maniac doesnt say a word until the cell door slams shut and then he speaks.

'Tonight we are going to play Mummys and Daddys. Yo...

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset....

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A young nun is home alone in the convent.

She decides to take a shower. When she is done, she towels off. But, before she can put on her habit, she hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" she asks timidly.

"Blind man!" comes the reply.

She thinks to herself that since it is a blind man, no harm can come if she answers t...

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

A Lion walks into a bar...

The bartender *obviously* seems frightened by this. The Lion walks up to the side of the bar and pulls up a seat next to a man. This man is dressed like a Lion Tamer, and seems pleased to see the Lion. The Bartender comes over and timidly asks the Lion, “Who are you?”. The man sitting beside the Lio...

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

The world's leading expert on wet clothing walks into a record shop.

The expert asks the assistant "Do you have the latest edition of 'Wet Garments' Acoustics'? I'm sure your store just released it yesterday."

"Of course," the assistant replies. "Would you like to listen to it before you buy it?"

"Why, thank you," says the expert, and puts on a pair of...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

My dads favorite joke (long)

A rabbit is hopping along the woods one day, minding his own business, when he comes across a little village.

He hears laughing and general good humor echoing from the little town so he decides to investigate.

The rabbit hides behind a little bush and what he finds he almost can’t ex...

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Things are tough al over

A man was having a hard time keeping ends meet so he had a talk to his wife, which was very beautiful and had a great body. "Wife, I do not think we will have enough money this month so I am going to need you help", he said. She responded; " Anything I can do, how can I help?" He responded; "Well I ...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

I had an Uncle Pete, he lived in Pennsylvania all his long life...

...although he was technically Jewish, he was really an atheist, but when he hit 85 he thought he should get religion in his life, in case there was a Heaven - I guess he wanted to hedge his bets.

Anyway, he goes to his Rabbi, who says "Peter, I don't want you picking Judaism because it's the...

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants a...

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Three guys are working at a zoo's gorilla exhibit...

Three zookeepers are working at the gorilla exhibit and the zoo's twelve year old female gorilla, Chloe, is in heat. Chloe is behaving aggressive towards the other female gorillas and tearing her own enclosure apart. The three zookeepers know they must do something quick to calm her down. They MUST ...

Guy goes to prison

He has heard lots of stories so he always tries to shower only when noone else is around. This goes quite well for a couple of days.

Then one day, he drops the soap while showering. He timidly looks everywhere before bending over to make sure noone is around. Once he gets a hold of the soap t...

I used to have a co-worker named Joe.

He seemed to have come out of no where. When he first got the job, We asked him where he was from, but he would always just shrug off the question. Nevertheless, Joe and I got along really well.

One day, he approached me and asked if he could move in with me and my girlfriend. He told us abou...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

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A rabbit is running around the forest...

when he comes across a lone wolf rolling up a joint. He says to him:
"Hey wolf, that's terrible! Don't do that, come with me and lets run together." The wolf is bewildered, yet agrees to go.

So now they both run through the forest when suddenly they encounter a timid bear about to mainlin...

A man runs into a crowded bar and yells “Run! Bad Bob is coming!”

Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.

Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. CRASH! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns ...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

[Long] A man goes to prison.

As he sits on his cot wondering how to pass the time, he hears an inmate down the hall shout "59" followed by groans from the other inmates.

He thought that was odd, but then someone else timidly calls out "43", followed by more groaning.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.
...

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An attractive young woman was stranded along a road.

It was getting late and she had miles to go before she reaches town. There were few cars passing by and she tried desperately to hitch a ride but nobody would stop for her.

When it was almost sundown, she heard clacking noise approaching her. Sure enough, when she look down the road, it was a...

A young boy wants to buy a tomato...

He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."

Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.

"How much for this little one, here?" h...

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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and a young girl all board a small plane...

Midway through the flight, the pilot has a stroke and the plane starts to go down. There are only three parachutes on board and the four passengers quickly discuss who of them will take them.

Immediately the Donald says, "I'm the first human orange to be nominated for president, I should be g...

The City-Slicker and the Farmer

One year, a man who lived in the city decided to try his hand at deer hunting. He bought all the the necessary equipment, a license, and a rifle and headed out to the gamelands a good distance away from the city.

After a full day's hunting, the man spots a gorgeous buck and manages to make ...

A Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted by Saint Pete at the Pearly Gates

"Hello Zebra, welcome to heaven!" Says Peter.

"Oh wow", exclaims the Zebra.

"Yes, it's quite magnificent" , replies Peter, "as is the custom here, if you had any unanswered questions about your life, now is the time to ask them."...

Reddit, what's a joke you ABSOLUTELY HATE but everyone else seems to love?

Mine is that old binary one -

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

Well DUR HUR HUR, congratulations on counting to two. Being a timid person, I just chuckle and seethe on the inside.

The pope arrives in heaven...

After decades of faithful service, the pope finally dies and ascends to heaven where he is greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter.

"Welcome! For living such a good life and serving God all these years, you're welcomed to heaven and may go anywhere and see anything your heart desires for ...

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Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates

Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him "How many times have you cheat...

American comes to Soviet Factory

Amrican delegation visits Soviet Factory. Soviet guide says to American visitors

- Soviet workers are so great, they will do anything we tell them

- [American] I don't believe it

- [Soviet guide] Watch

He lines up all workers in front of factory:

-tomorrow your pay...

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Bobby's New X Box

Bobby was playing in his parents bedroom one day, when he heard his mom and a stranger waking towards the room. Since he wasn't supposed to be there, he panicked, and jumped into the closet, just as him Mom and the strange man entered.


He sat in the dark for a while, hearing strange nois...

Free heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beauti...

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When Halitosis Mets Bromodosis...

(Cross post from r/relationships) Once there was a girl with such bad breath that no one wanted to date her, no matter how hard she tried. Across town there was a man who inherited a very severe case of stinky feet that he, too, was deemed undatable. One night when the stars aligned just right, thes...

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

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An extraterrestrial couple is spending vacations on Earth

They are very curious about human sexuality, so they find a human couple who are willing to exchange partners for one night.

They discretely meet at a secluded place with two rooms. In one room, the male alien unzips his bodysuit and reveals a 16 inch dick. Looking worried, the woman says:...

So this black bear walked into a restaurant...

So this black bear walks into a restaurant. Ok, wait, I know what you’re thinking, why’s it have to be a BLACK bear? Ok, fine, it was a brown bear... no wait... that still won’t work. Polar bear? Maybe a grizzly bear, though, I guess technically that’s still brown. You know what, it doesn’t matter. ...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

A pirate walks into a bar.

He has the helm of a ship sticking out of his pants. The bartender very timidly asks him if he would like a drink.
"Arrrgh I'll have a pint of grog!"
The bartender gets him his drink, and everyone in the bar starts to whisper to each other about the pirate.
After his third glass of grog...

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A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...

Chinese restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant and without letting the waitress give him the menu says "I want a Medium Rare Ribeye steak with Roasted Potatoes in Marinara sauce." The waitress timidly responds "Sir. This is a Chinese restaurant." To which the man replies "Oh! I'm sorry. I want a Medium Lale Libeye stea...

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car crash and goes to heaven.

The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answer...

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The UFO landed in the trailer park...

...in front of Mr. and Mrs. Willfart, relaxing in their lawn chairs. They all started talking about their cultural differences etc. until they came to sex. Offering to swap "wives", the woman was lead off by the male alien. After starting, the alien asked "Is it good?". Mrs. Willfart replies "I ...

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A joke made in Spain about the church, and as such, full of profanity and blasphemy. Enjoy

So a catholic priest is waiting in the confessional, and suddenly a man with the body of a mountain who rides comes in:

-Forgive me, father, for I've sinned.

+Tell me your sins, my son.

-Well, father, it all started on Monday, when I was fixing the kitchen sink and I got up too ...

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The Tallest Boy

As the Principal made his rounds during the first day of school, he could hear a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.

He quickly rushed in and spotted one boy, much taller than the others, who appeared to be making the most noise.

He seized the lad, dragged him to the ...

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