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Panicky Jokes

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That’s how i lost my job as a pilot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

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Mom comes home and as she opens the door, her son runs to her, shouting...

Son, panicking: "Mom mom! Dad hung himself in the attic!"
Mom, shocked, out of breath and words runs all panicky towards the attic...
She looks to the right, to the left, over and over again,... yet there's no sight of this dreadful act taking place.
And just as she's about to angril...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

There’s a green man

Who lives in a green a house and one day he was having a shower,when he heard a knock on the door.
So he puts on a towel and walks to the door and when he gets to the door there’s a Girl Scout selling cookies.
“Would you like a cookie, sir “said the girl “of course let me get my “ said the gre...

A woman goes to a doctor's office.

Upset and panicky, she blurts out, “Doctor, every time I go to a bar, I wake up days later in a strange part of town, surrounded by guys, bleeding from every orifice, my clothing ripped and stained, my money gone, with dry, cracked hands.”

The doctor nods. “You clearly have a problem.” ...

Patty O'Mally

So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a pa...

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