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Excited Jokes

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

A blonde girl excitedly arrives home from school.

“Mommy Mommy, all the other kids can only count to 4, but I counted all the way to 10! Is it because I'm blonde Mommy?”

“Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The girl returns home the following day even more ecstatic.

“Mommy mommy! When we dressed for gym class, all the oth...

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "I...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

What does the invisible man do when he is excited?

He comes out of nowhere!

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn't help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. "What a waste," he thought to himself. "Who would have a seat like this and not use it?"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. "No," the nei...

Everyone in the autopsy club was super excited.

It was open Mike night.

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

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I was excited when my girlfriend told me I have a mean dick

Until I realized she is a math major

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

A girl is waiting for a letter from her soldier boyfriend.

Finally, she gets it. Excited, the girl opens the envelope. However, instead of a letter, a small note falls out. She picks it up and reads:

*Your boyfriend loves you, but babbles way too much.*

***Security.***

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:

"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most im...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited,..

but not as much as the other people in the lift.

I got really excited when girlfriend asked me to do some edging around her flower garden

Unfortunately her Mormon summer camp experiences were different than mine.

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

I was excited to tell people the new fish puns I came up with…

But they all floundered

The insomniacs are getting all excited.

Only 2 more sleeps till Christmas.

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her moth...

When I heard about Russell's Paradox, I got so excited...

I didn't know if I could contain myself!

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

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Shai is excited for his trip to Mexico because he is an avid SCUBA diver.

When he goes, he finds a company that can take him to the reefs and links up with a dive leader. While on the boat preparing their tanks, the leader begins talking him about the different types of animals that they will see. Since the both of them will not be able to communicate verbally, the dive l...

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”


“No way!”


“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
\-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing...

Promised my wife a flashy car and she was so excited.

You should have seen her face light up when she saw I’d strapped a strobe light to her Toyota.

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Why was the skinny scientist so excited?

>!He just won the no belly prize!<

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess whi...

Why did the snowman get excited?

He heard the snowblower coming.

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

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My wife wants to make a porno with me and I'm really excited

I'm going to be playing the husband who goes to work

My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.

If you’re excited about this halftime show

It’s time to book your mammogram

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

I was so excited when my wife told me she was pregnant..

It was a week later when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant where I began to stress

I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved.

I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.

Damn you Food Network, you had me excited for a moment!

Turns out "Beat Bobby Flay" is a *cooking show*. Had me actually interested to tune in for a moment.

So I threw a surprise bukkake-party for my wife…

She was so excited everyone came! You should’ve seen her face!

What did the furry cowboy say when he was excited?

“Yiffy-ki-yay!”

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

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Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

I don't care. Just get the fuck out.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

A boy wakes up on his birthday and is excited for presents.

However he finds none anywhere and then his mother arrives. "Yo, yo yo, new bike, a lil video game and one toy soldier boy!" she sings "What? Where are my presents?" he demands. The mother says: "Your father told me I had to rap the presents."

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

Why was He so excited?

Because they finally dropped his charges.

Why does Bruce Lee get excited when he visits Texas?

Because that means he can eat at WA-TAAAAburger

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

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My son was excited about our Catholic church’s archeology class.

But all he saw was a bunch of old bones.

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I'm excited about Halloween this year

It's the first time in its existence where not wearing a mask will scare the crap out of people.

Mother excited?

No.

Motherboard

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

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I'm excited about a black person being on the $20 bill.

I always wanted to use black people as currency.

How do you get your child excited to go church in Sunday?

Tell them you are going to the prayground

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

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The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the custom...

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

I was excited for my first skydiving experience

I guess I'm not the only one, because i felt my instructor's excitement rubbing against me.

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

What does an arrow do when it’s excited?

It quivers

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

You know I was excited for 2020

There was going to be so many hidsight jokes.






I should have known better

Husband came home rushing home all excited.

He opened the door and walked in to see his wife on the couch watching TV. He said, “Oh my god, I just won the lottery. A lot. I mean a LOT. Hurry upstairs and pack your bags.”

The wife, now excited too, starts getting up and asks, “Yay, where are we going?”

Husband replies, “No, I wo...

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

My boy Ron gets so excited when he sees a French car that he jumps out of his seat.

I just tell him "Sit, Ron".

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

What do you call an excited fireplace?

Stoked.

Ever since my buddy downloaded Grindr he's been so excited about it

He can barely sit down.

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

My friend had recently lost it all and started giving blows behind Wendy’s.

He come to me so excited after a couple days and said he’d made $300.50.

Puzzled, I asked him “who gave you .50?”

He replied, “They all did!”

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I've been thinking about our sex life and I'm getting excited!"

She said "Who IS this?!"

(Rodney Dangerfield)

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I bought some espresso ice cream last night and was super excited to try it!

Unfortunately I left it on the counter when I was putting all my other groceries away. I found it this morning completely melted.

I guess you could say.....

Affogato bout it....

I was at a wedding recently, and a woman walked up to me and said "every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place". Excitedly, I said "why, are you single?"

"no" she said, "I'm a dentist".

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

My county has just been under a tornado warning. As a redditor, I am excited thinking about the possible damage to my fence.

I could have so much reposting to do!

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I get too excited with women.

I walked a girl home, and she’s like “Do you want to come upstairs?”
I said “Upstairs? I already came here.”

A Blond, Brunette and a Redhead go to a Bar

They come up to the bartender and the bartender says "we have a magic mirror in the girl's bathroom, if you tell it a truth about yourself you'll get free drinks and if you tell it a lie it will kill you." Excited, the brunette rushes to the bathroom and says "I think I'm the prettiest out of the t...

When my wife told me she was going to get a Brazilian, I was excited.

When she came home with a guy named Rafael, I was not happy.

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