Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

Anyone else wear glasses and is excited for next year?

I am! It's the first time we will see 2020.

I'm totally excited about our new black neighbor.

'Cause my dad says he is Robin Hood.

What do you call an excited fireplace?

Stoked.

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

A girl was excited class was over

It was the end of her period.

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Ever...

I'm so excited, big meeting at the bank today...

If it goes well, I'm debt free and can retire early. I'm so excited I almost forgot my Ski mask!

So excited to announce that I’ve finally gone viral!

I have bronchitis.

Justin Trudeau was reportedly very excited to be asked to address a conference on racism.

Apparently he's totally made up.

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

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When I met my wife, she told me she was anal. I got excited.

Turns out, there's two types of anal and she's the wrong one.

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited she nearly Peter Pans

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

A girl is excited to finally go on a date...

... Her date picks her up and asks her what she would like to do. She says, "Weigh me." She they go inside and she weights 135. Then they have a great dinner. He then asks, "What would you like to do now?" She says, "Weigh me." They find a pay scale and she now weights 133. They go to a movie and ea...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

Why was the necrophiliac cannibal excited for his dinner date?

It was a three corpse meal.

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod

It's the first time I've ever had a father figure

I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today!

He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!

I was digging up our garden when I found a box full of old rare coins. I was really excited so I ran inside to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging up our garden.

I’m so excited for summer!!!

I just wet my plants.

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

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A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly:

"I’ve found the girl I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin!"


His father thumped his fist on the table angrily. "There’s no way you’re marrying that girl," he yelled. "If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!"

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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail.

Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails.

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”


“No way!”


“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
\-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing...

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

The Ugly Girl

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl.

**Akpos:** Hello!

**Ugly girl:** Hi!!

**Akpos:** Wanna dance?

**Ugly Girl:** Yes (excited)

**Akpos:** OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to...

I got really excited when girlfriend asked me to do some edging around her flower garden

Unfortunately her Mormon summer camp experiences were different than mine.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

My friend called me super excited and...

Wanted to tell me about his new car he just bought. He got a nice red 9-5 from the local dealership. He was going on and on about how he haggled the price down, but I was in the middle of something important. I told him I didn't want to hear his Saab story.

I’m so excited right now!

I asked out my crush and she said yes!

Ever since my buddy downloaded Grindr he's been so excited about it

He can barely sit down.

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

A woman goes to the senior center to visit their father who has Alzheimer’s

She sees him sitting at a table by himself, staring vacantly out of a window. She approaches him, hoping longingly that maybe this time he’ll remember her.

She sits down across from him and asks “How are you today?”

His face lights up and he says “Actually I’m feeling great! How are y...

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

Blonde girl got all exited after she finally completed a jigsaw puzzle after 3 years, I said why are you so excited?

She said it says 5 to 8 years on the box...

Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?

Because 711452.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

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Buck was selling his car and a girl named Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3,500 and a blow job?” He smiled and replied “You’ve got a deal!” . . .

He was excited he got the
“Kelly Blew Buck” price!!

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A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Da...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

I told this gamer chick...

You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man?

She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.

:rimshot:

Mother excited?

No.

Motherboard

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I’m super excited for the birth of my daughter. 7lbs5oz.

My wife isn’t too excited about this new name though.

Would I say that I'm excited for Arrested Development season 5B?

Abso-Bluth-ly!

How I got divorced

Last week was my birthday. My wife forgot, my kids forgot, none of my friends called or texted even my parents forgot. Nobody wished me happy birthday until I got to work. My secretary was there with a smile and a big Happy Birthday Boss! I felt so special.
She invited me to lunch and Afte...

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay...

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens

You know, i get really excited about pastries.

I guess you could say im a dough nut.

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The Fukawi Tribe

There was once a tribe of very short people who lived on an island in very long grass. One day an explorer stumbled upon this large grass covered island and intact discovered the tribe. He was very excited but decided since he was not sure if they were a peaceful people or not he would not engage th...

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Voodoo dick

Husband and wife love to have crazy intense sex. Husband tells wife he is going on a business trip and will be back in a week. Wife says hell no what am I supposed to do without you being here “I need that D”. Husbands says ok I will go buy you a dildo.

Husband goes to a sex shop. Haitian wo...

I was excited to get a job as a hotel receptionist

Then I started getting reservations!

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

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When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited.

Finally I could plot my sex life.

Why do kids get excited for Santa and not Jesus on his birthday?

Santa brings ipads, Jesus brings armageddon. Seems simple.

One day an old man wrote a letter to God... [long]

...and he tied the letter to a tree outside a church.

The priest came and took down the letter.

It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".

Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised ...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

Why was He so excited?

Because they finally dropped his charges.

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Wife to Husband on his birthday: You can have sex for 1 hour, the way you want it...

Excited Husband jumps, hugs her, kisses her & runs out saying: I promise I will be back in 1 hour.

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When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

Hollywood is creating a movie about all the great classical musicians, their lives, and their work.

To make the best movie possible, the director contacted several famous actors.

The director asked Matt Damon, and he said he'd be Beethoven.

A message to Hugh Jackman had him agreeing to be Chopin.

Johnny Depp said he'd be glad to play Mozart.

Even Tom Cruise said he wo...

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Batman and Robin are on the batmovil...

And Robin says: "Hey batman, you always drive, mind if I drive this time?"

Batman responds with: "fine, just be careful"

Of course, Robin gets excited, and decides he first wants to gives some spins to get a feel of the car...

He puts the first speed and the car is surprisingly ...

I was excited, I had heard there was a murder in a park down the street.

Imagine my disappointment when only thing there were a bunch of crows.




Edit: You know...because a group of crows is a murder...buddum tiss. My first original joke on here and is not going so well.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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A man and his wife watch a documentary on Africa

It features a tribe of men who lengthen their penises over 12 inches by tying a series of increasingly heavier stones to them. Inspired, the man tells his wife he’s going to give it a try.

A week later, he excitedly tells her “Honey, it’s starting to work!!”

Really? She exclaims. “It’...

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

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Every time I'm excited for sex, my boyfriend ruins the mood by urinating on me

He really pisses me off.

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

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"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

The child's dad, excited, explains how he was once a manager for a rodeo, where men usually were the only ones participating. Not like it was restricted from girls to enter, it was just something "normal" in the old days.

One day, many years ago, he saw a woman that would be the child's mothe...

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

21 Floors

three idiots tried to deliver a fridge to an apartment of 21 floor

in 1 hour they reached floor N 20

one of them got upstares to check how many floors left

so he came back and told them:" I have two news, one is bad and one is good"

Them: start with the good news
...

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

A blonde walks into a police station......

......in search for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions first...
Officer: What's 24+45

Blonde: Ummmmm... 69!

Officer: What's the square root of 225?

Blonde: Ummmm... 15!

Officer: Nice! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm......

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Three guys walk into a genie next to a pool.

The genie tells them that the pool will fill up with whatever they yell as they jump in.

The first guy jumps and yells “money!” the pool fills with gold coins and bills.

The second one jumps in and screams “women!” And a bunch of women appear in the pool and eat his ass.

The thi...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

A humped man(bad grammar sorry)

A humped man walk around cemetery. Suddenly,a ghost appear and ask a man."Do you have hump"? A man says:Yes I have."So give me that",says ghost a takes a man hump. Man straighten up himself,walk away happily.Another day he meet a friend without legs.He say:Hey I can normally walk,there is a ghost on...

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