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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

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Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

Why did the pediatrician get frustrated when he got home from work?

Because he'd had little patients all day

A group of doctors were getting frustrated while discussing their failing medical practice...

...they were unfortunately running out of patience.

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

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Why is santa so sexually frustrated?

He only comes once a year.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

What do frustrated English lords use to clean their castles?

Scotch Brite

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

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I was getting very frustrated on the sofa, newspaper in hand.

"Honey, I need help with this crossword. Five letters, another word for 'rest' and 'loosen'. I can't get it for the fucking life of me!!"

"'Relax'" she replied.

I said, "Fuck off, I've been on this for hours now."

The frustrated boss asked his employee, "Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"

He replied, "I don't know, and I don't care!"

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I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

What does corn say when it's frustrated?

Aw shucks!


(Yes, I know this joke is very corny)

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A mother, frustrated with her young son's unruly behaviour finally snaps and asks in exasperation, "how do you think you're ever going to get into heaven?"

"Oh, that will be easy", says the boy. "I'll just keep running in and out, in and out of the gates until St. Peter says, "for fuck's sake, Kevin - are you coming or going? Make up your mind"".

As Dyslexic VP frustrated by having multiple bosses,

I don't get why I was fired when I suggested to the Chief Executive to get the FOC out of my business.

A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The cowboy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The cowboy says, "That sounds like a goo...

What did the frustrated smuggler say to the Californian?

This is the LAST straw!

What did the frustrated cannibal do?

He threw up his arms.

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.

"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

What does the poet do when he's frustrated with his fellow student?

Shakes peer.

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to rece...

On a hot, windless day the president was out touring a new wind farm. Frustrated by the lack of good video footage, the president knocks on the base of a turbine and asks, “Why won’t this thing spin for me?”

“Oh, its not a huge fan.” The developer explained.

There are two ways of making people frustrated

The first way is to not complete what you were saying,

Revolving doors must get frustrated.

They're always going around in circles

I got frustrated while trying to think of a name for the medicine I invented.

After smacking my head against the keyboard five times I had the answer.

Why was the young priest frustrated after spending the night in a convent?

He didn't get nun.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

Why was the IT professional's wife so frustrated?

Because he kept turning her off then on again.

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A frustrated middle eastern man is walking along the beach... (NSFW)

When suddenly he stubs his toe on something in the sand. He reaches down under the sand and discovers a golden lamp. He picks it up and excitedly brushes it off when suddenly a enormous genie appears.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp and I shall grant you one wish, if it is within my power."
...

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An older lady is frustrated about the lack of a sex life with her husband...

so she decides that role play might be the cure. She buys some Wonder Woman underwear and puts them on in the bathroom before bed so she can surprise her husband.

When she opens the bathroom door, the woman leaps out and shouts "Super pussy!", to which her husband replies, "I'll have the sou...

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...

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Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track wit...

If you think you're frustrated,

Try teaching an Italian sign language.

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A frustrated man who's being sued goes to the bar...

He walks in, and amidst his frustration, he exclaims, "Lawyers are such assholes!"

Another person shouts out, "Hey! I resent that statement!"

The man responds, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy says, "No! I'm an asshole!"

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A sexually frustrated farmer...

A sexually frustrated farmer finally had enough. He went down to his barn and grabbed his only sheep and carried it back to the house. He kicked open the door and hauled the sheep up the stairs towards his bedroom. He kicked open his bedroom door where his wife was laying in bed. He began to yell, <...

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Frustrated Class Finals

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A sma...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A blonde is driving down the highway. She hears blonde joke after blonde joke and gets frustrated.

She is really worked up when she sees another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a grass field.

Furious, she stops the car and runs to the edge of the grass.

"You bitch! You're the kind of blonde that gives us bad names! Fuck you! If I could swim, I'd fucking kill you!"

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

A woman carrying a baby enters a bus

The bus driver turns to her and says “My, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Frustrated, the woman sits down next to a man. She turns to him and tells him “The bus driver was insulting me!” And the man says “You go tell him off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A frustrated doctor walks into a bar

The bar tender asks, why are you fuming
The doctor responds,"I DONT HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE"

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A frustrated woman on an airplane. (Sexism)

A woman had just gotten onto an airplane after a very rough day. She had been fired, her boyfriend had dumped her, and now she had to sit on this irritating airplane just to get home. A quarter of the way through the flight and she's had enough. She stands up, holds her hands up in the air and excla...

Kleptomaniac, frustrated

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?"

He couldn't take a joke.

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two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

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Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?

Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”

God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.

God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin...

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So, there's a guy sitting on the bench in the park.

He looks frustrated and he's whispering to himself: "F\*\*k this. Shit!!."

His friends observes this and comes to him and asks: "Yoo, what happened? What's wrong?"

He turn to his friend: "Do you really wanna know? Take a sit, and I will tell you all about it."

His friend sits ne...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

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A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

Husband comes back home from work...

Instantly he sees clothes all over the place and rushes to the bedroom. There he sees his wife in a latex suit spanking a guy in ropes and a mask.
Frustrated husband jus says:
- Okay so I guess beating you up isn't a good idea...

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A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.

He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes

When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went ...

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

Did you hear about the doctor who set up a new office every month?

Each one looked promising but he'd get frustrated and close it and move to a new location.


He just didn't have the patients.

Chicken sitting on the edge of a bed...

...smoking a cigarette, content. Egg laying on the bed looking frustrated. The egg says well... I guess that answers THAT question!

A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people.

A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people. It extends far into the distance. The man walks up to a person in the line and asks him,

"Sir, what is this line for?"

The person replies,

"Go to the front."

So the man walks up the line. and he keeps walking, and walkin...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

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Interesting Farmers Market

A young man was driving to work when he realized he had forgotten his lunch.

As he drove frustrated with himself he came across a farmers market with and interesting sign,

“apples that taste like pussy”

Better than nothing he said.
As he bit into his first apple he was gre...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

Two troublesome boys

So these two kids are just the worst. They're 8 and 6, and they get into trouble every day. Kicking cats, firecrackers in mailboxes, the works. If something is broken or missing in their neighborhood, it's these kids' fault.

Their parents are at their wits end; they've tried grounding th...

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

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Knock at the door

It's the middle of the night and a man awakes to a knock at the front door. He looks over to his nightstand and sees it's 2:00 in the morning. Angry and frustrated that someone is knocking this early in the morning, he gets up, throws something on, and goes to the door. Upon opening the door he does...

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What do you call a dinosaur that can’t reach to masturbate

Rexually frustrated

A guy named Joe Smith

A guy named Joe Smith, from Muleshoe, Texas, claimed to know everybody, and a big Texas oilman challenged him when Joe says he knows the governor of Texas. The bet is on, and the oilman flies with Joe to Austin and the governor’s office. Joe tells the secretary he would like to have a word with the ...

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Indian Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'...

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

Three men go to hell

Three men go to hell and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it bac...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

The Tale Of The Faithful Man And The Rescue Boat

Once there was a boat sailing not too far from the shore of a town, when it capsized.

A rescue boat was sent out imediatly, but there was only room on board for half of the survivors. The coastguards descided to fill the boat up and then come back after for the remaining passengers, so they g...

I am such an idiot.

I took a date to the movies the other night. When the message came up on the screen to silence our cell phones, my date looked frustrated. She stood up and started to leave.

I said, "What's wrong? You can't sit through a movie without your phone on?"

"No," she said, "I left it in the c...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.

Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.

After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry...

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