The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees!

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

Only after Jesus was nailed to a cross

He became truly holey.

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

Mr Wilson sold nails and wanted to be the biggest nail dealer in the world so he decided to make a commercial

He hired an ad firm to make the commercial. He looks at The first ad and its Jesus being nailed to the cross, when the camera closes in, the nails say Wilson. He says "no,no,no" I'm trying to make business not lose it.
The ad exec say sorry about that, I know what you want I'll be back tomorrow...

Do you know why Jesus stopped playing hockey?

Kept getting nailed to the boards.

Nailed it.

A Swedish guy was building a house. After having completed the foundation he went on to the walls. And while putting in the nails, he realised that holding the planks while nailing them would be easier if he had help. So he walked over to his new neighbour; a Danish guy. His neighbour agreed to help...

What is the difference between Jesus and Casanova?

The facial expression when getting nailed.

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

A boy was failing math

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after schoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross

Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who can still be considered a virgin even after getting nailed?

Jesus

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People commonly believe that Jesus died a virgin, but I heard he got nailed right before he died.

Blasphemy.

A huge crowd gathered as Jesus was nailed to the cross. As Jesus surveyed the crowd, he saw St. Perer at the back.

He started to call to him, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter tried to get the crowd. Pushing people as he went. “I’m coming Lord,” shouted Peter as he worked his wash through the crowd. Eventually he reached the foot of Jesus’ cross, and asked, “What is it, Lord?”

And Jesus said, “I can see you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Romans had an unusual sexual fetish for Jesus

One time, they even nailed him on a cross.

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

"Great job!" said one Roman soldier to the other. "You really nailed that one!"

But Jesus was not impressed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Ancient relics

I pass by this ancient mailbox all the time when we drive down our road to the house.. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. After too many times of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to whic...

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath said unto them...

"Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs I'll be back on Monday."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and noticed a couple T-bones nailed to the ceiling.

He asks the bartender what they're for.

Bartender tells him it's a challenge. If you can jump and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the night. If you miss, you buy everyone's drinks for an hour.

The man shakes his head and says. "I'm gonna pass. The steaks are too high."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.