Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my...

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

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I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

I tried to get drunk off of Shirley Temples

But I didn't feel Annie-thing.

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

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You've got to think fast at times

So, a young woman, Shirley, has a job interview in the morning, but her best friend's bachelorette party is happening that night, and she has to attend. The ladies meet for drinks and party most of the night. As a surprise, some male strippers show up later to their hotel room and whip them up into ...

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

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Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

Lonely guy...

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult

community, are curious about the latest arrival in their

building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to

himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go

over to him at the p...

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Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell y...

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The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.....

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

A lizard was walking through the jungle...

...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard beco...

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Bunny Wabbits

A little girl steps into a pet shop, walks up to a sales associate, and says, "I would wike to buy a wabbit, pwease.."

The woman takes one look at the little girl, and her heart melts. The child had big, bright eyes, a little button nose, pig tails - she's cuter than Shirley Temple. She scru...

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