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Morbid Jokes

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience.

They should start to die in a week or so.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

what do you call a morbidly obese bird?

a type coo diabetic

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

How much did the morbidly obese Chinese woman weigh?

Wonton.

What’s the difference between a dark, morbid, and absurd joke?

Dark is 10 children in 1 trash can.
Morbid is 1 child in 10 trash cans.
Absurd is 10 trash cans in 1 child.

Did you hear about that morbidly obese couple that just started dating?

They have a tonne in common.

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A morbidly obese guy goes into a public restroom to do his business

As he is standing there, a rather rude guy occupies the next urinal. The second guy looks over at the fist and in an extremely uncouth manner exclaims, "Holy shit!!! You are huge !!! How much do you weigh?"

The first guys says, "around 375."

Second guys says, "Damn, that's a lot!! When...

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I am morbidly a beast

Or what ever the fuck my doctor said.

What do you call a morbidly obese vegetarian?

Megafauna.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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My wife decided to share some morbid news with our six year-old in the car...

"My best friend lost her father on Saturday," she said.

"That's rather careless of her," replied my daughter.

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

So I have a morbidly obese friend, but he identifies as skinny.

He’s trans slender

Heres something morbidly ironic

My grandmother was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab

I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese...

I say this with a heavy Hart.

They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

Your morbid joke for the day.

A man visits his doctor as for the past few weeks he has been feeling incredibly ill. After numerous tests and examinations his doctor finally breaks the news about his results.


"I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this... You have terminal colon cancer. It was left unchecked for so lo...

The lives of morbidly obese people are like hourglasses

If they don’t get turned upside down soon enough, they will be done.

I used to have a morbid fear of German sausage.....

Its been hard, Ive been through therapy but now I think I'm over the wurst.

What do you call 2 fat goths?

Morbidly obese.


I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.

Life is like a box of chocolates,

it doesn't last long if you're morbidly obese.

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

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Kind of morbid (sorry)

(From my uncles)
Him: Have you ever fucked a dog as long as you wanted?
Me: NO!
Him: Why'd you stop?

What two things do most zombie guys like most about zombie girls?

Morbidities

Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese."

"Do you understand what this means?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now."

What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?

A four-chin teller.

I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me.

I think I'm a bit too morbid to be a tractor driver.

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

My ex, Kate, left me because I was "too morbid".

I said, "I hope you suffer, Kate!"

I'm not a necrophile...

I'm just morbidly curious.

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...

MOTHER NATURE AND FATHER TIME.

Why didn't the pc gamer cross the street ?

Because he's morbidly obese

A woman left on a work-cation, leaving her husband behind.

They were childless, but had a cat, whom they loved dearly.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was alright.

Her husband replied with a morbid tone, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and reprimanded her husband, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't ...

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Johnny's on a Roll (With his two black balls)(SFW)

Ms Wendall was a first grade teacher who had a bit of a morbid sense of humor. One day she said to the class, "I have an interesting idea. Everyday, I will ask a very hard question and who ever can answer it will get to leave the class early. You can't look up the answer on a smart phone or computer...

I thought of a morbid joke

But I'm not gonna make it.
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My girlfriend said this with another joke in mind but I thought the way she brought it up made a nice subtle joke on it's own.

What is the medical term for a fat cow?

Morbidly o-beef

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

A Corpulent Woman visits the Doctor

Woman: Hey Doc, everytime I walk up the stairs my back hurts and my heart beats like crazy.

Doc: I imagined something like that right when you walked in here. You're morbidly obese.

Woman: That's outrageous. I want a second opinion!

Doc: Alrigt, you're also pretty ugly.

A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows:

60% are deemed overweight

30% are deemed morbidly obese

10% ate the test

Jokes about extreme obesity...

...are morbid humor.

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

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Obese kid

An elderly man was out for a leisurely walk in the park one day, when he came upon a morbidly obese kid sitting on a park bench.

The kid was steadily shoveling candy in his mouth and washing it down with soda. There was a huge pile of candy wrappers on the ground around him.

The old ...

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In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it ...

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Paddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the doctor…

The doctor says, "OK, Paddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, then eat normally for a day, then skip a day. Stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then."

A fortnight later, Paddy returns to the doctor, who is amazed to see...

Saw an over weight goth today,

I thought to myself, he's morbidly obese.

I really want my own reality show on TLC.

Did I mention that I am a morbidly obese little person with 18 children and I just escaped from Scientology!

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

I was at a McDonalds

where I saw a morbidly obese girl making fun of a clearly handicapped boy. Being the guy I was, I scolded her for it.

Me: why are you making fun of him? Any one of us could've been like that. God gave him that handicap, you shouldn't make fun of him.

Girl: yeah but God gave me a mouth ...

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A man dies and goes to hell..

The devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do with you." says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. As you have to stay here definitely, I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I have got 3 folks here who weren't as bad as you were. I will let 1 of th...

What do you call a cow...

with only two legs?

Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

Decalfinated.

What do you call a morbidly obese cow?

Yo Momma.

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

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A English man, a French man and an American man are exploring the Amazon Forest.

Suddenly, a tribe of people appear from behind some bushes. "You are on our sacred land." the leader says. "According to tradition, we have to skin you alive and turn you into a canoe, but that's a little too morbid. Instead, you can decide how you want to die." The English man says, give me a gun. ...

Would you remarry?

John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,

"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"

John is bewildered and clearly upset,

"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here havin...

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You really oughtta diet...

A morbidly obese man decided it was time to lose some weight, so he joined a health spa...

He gets to the spa and starts out on the treadmill, jogs around the gym a couple times, swims a couple laps in the pool, sweats for a half hour or so in the sauna, and finishes off with a shower.
...

A man finds himself in a hotel lobby. The lady at the front desk is giving him big "F me" eyes.

Now, sure, he's seen prettier women in his lifetime. But she's a solid seven, and looking at him in such a sultry fashion that his knees nonetheless knock together nervously.

"You can have me, right here, right now, or you can carry on to success," she whispers, tracing her finger slowly down...

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The Ladder to success

A man is walking down the street and he comes across a ladder that reaches all the way up to the clouds. On the ladder there is a note that only says "Ladder To Success". He stares at it in bewilderment but decides to give it a shot. After climbing for hours he finally reaches the clouds. A morbidly...

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