Macdonald Jokes - 52 Hilarious Macdonald Jokes

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."

"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.

—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

Old Macdonald...

...spelled "redirection" without any consonants.

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

So Norm Macdonald died

As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, and Gilbert Gottfried walk into a bar

There's no punchline, I'm just really sad now.

Old MacDonald had OCD

EE II O

[nsfw] Why did Norm MacDonald never have a farm?

Because he never got old.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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Old Macdonald had tourettes

E I E I CUNT.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

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Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

I was in line at MacDonalds the other day during the dinner time rush,

after 25 minutes I finally get served, the girl at the till says "sorry about the weight"

it's about time someone at MacDonalds apologized.

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

Clan-destine investigation

How do you tell a Scotsman's clan?

You put your hand up his kilt. If you find two quarter pounders - he's a Macdonald.

Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand...

E-I-E-I-O.

Two of the Trump children were cheating on an exam..

The first question was "Old MacDonald had a ______." Eric tried to see Tiffany's paper, couldn't, so whispered "Tiffany, what's the answer to number 1?" She rolled her eyes and said "You are the stupid one of the family. It's Old MacDonald had a farm, everyone knows that." "Oh right!" said Eric....

Old MacDonald had a toy store...

GI GI Joe

Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

Memory joke from Norm MacDonald's new memoir

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.

Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."...

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

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I heard Bill Clinton got really drunk one day and had sex with Hillary

- Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

Old MacDonald is up to something. He keeps typing the lyrics to his song as "E-I-E-I-o".

I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.

I signed up for my company’s 401k

but I don’t think I can run that far.

-Norm Macdonald

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were on Sale of the Century

It was a close game, and it came down to a three-way tie breaker, so the host said "I want you to finish the song title, and spell it out for me. Old MacDonald had a What?"

The American, quick as a flash, hit his buzzer and said "Ranch. R-A-N-C-H".

"Good spelling, but that's the wrong ...

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately

\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

I endorse podiums

That’s a product I can stand behind!

-Norm Macdonald

A dog goes walks into a telegram office

The guy behind the desk asks "what do want your telegram to read?"

The dog goes " woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof"

The guy says "I noticed you have 9 words, do you want an extra woof? it's for free"

The dog says "Nooo, that wouldn't make any sense"

- hear...

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

ADHD & Sleep Problems. Funny That You Asked!!

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. \*Old MacDonald had a farm\* and bingo was his name-o!

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one r...

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

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What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

I feel bad for the homeless guy

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"

-Norm Macdonald

Farmers Alzheimer’s

Old Macdonald had Alzheimer’s e I e I o
With a quack quack here and a quack quack there here a quack there a quack every ware a quack quack , e I e I o With a quack quack here and a quack quack there here a quack there a quack every ware a quack quack , e I e I o With a quack quack here and a qua...

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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

I don’t want fancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy fancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy whancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy whancy take me on a trip to Paris Francy things.

What I do what

Is to waste your and my time.

-...

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

I know how to nip March Madness in the bud.

Just look for signs of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Norm Macdonald

Spelling bee

A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.

"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.

He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"

"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a...

Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.

Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000.
The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word
out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?

Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."

The host says, "You spelled cow ri...

I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.

Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...

Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everything here is...

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

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A frog walks into a bank

Heard this one on Norm MacDonald's show/podcast so he gets the credit. It's better delivered in live, but here it is:

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks over to the bank teller--her name's Whack (nametag says Whack).
Frog: "Yes, I'd like to get a loan."

Teller: "A loan...

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