Monica Jokes - 53 Hilarious Monica Jokes

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say "insert bill here"

What did Bill Clinton find attractive about Monica Lewinsky?

He said she had the prettiest smile he ever came across.

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

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Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

Monica Lewinsky says she WILL endorse Hillary for president...

..says Hillary Clinton "doesn't suck."

I would for Monica Lewinski for president.

She is a Republican with a splash of Democrat in her.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

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When Bill and Hillary first got married

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked ins...

Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy

She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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[NSFW] How Bill Clinton tricked Monica Lewinsky...

Clinton asked Lewinsky if she wanted to see the presidential clock and she replied yes.

So she followed him into the Oval Office and he turned around with his dick out and she said “Bill you nasty thing, that’s not a clock!”

Bill replied “It will be when you put two hands and a face on...

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

The question of Monica Lewinsky:

Did she blow a sitting U.S. president or blow him while standing?

I saw my friend Monica at the bar

I yelled over to her "WHAT'S UP, MONICA?"

All of a sudden, I got beat up by three black guys.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy

"I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

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The Book Report

The world’s cleverest student does the world’s funniest book report:-

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

*...

Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player?

Clinton-Dix, HaHa!

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky get a tax return in 1995?

Clinton was paying her under the table.

What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?

Receiving heads of state.

Why is Monica Lewinsky so poor

Because she's always blowing bills

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly...

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I heard Monica lewinsky voted for Trump

Just to fuck a Clinton one more time

Two tickets to the super bowl

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.

If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...

Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year

Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.

What STD do Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica all share?

The *clap clap clap clap clap.*

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars?

Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!

I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton...

...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

They both love Clinton-Dix.

Why did Monica Lewinsky change her fandom from the Packers to the Washington Redskins?

She likes Clinton-Dix

How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold?

One U.S. Liter

What was Monica Lewinsky's high school yearbook superlative?

Most likely to suck seed.

What do Monica Lewinsky and NFL players both have in common?

It's their knees that go first.

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

What do Monica Lewinsky and an Asian political correspondent have in common?

All they talk about is the presidential erection

Hillary Clinton found out that Bill was getting it on with Monica Lewinsky.

She shrugged her shoulders and said "Better her than me."

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Doctor visit.

Had to go to the Doctors yesterday, doctor said strip off, he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.

He was amazed and said, "Well in 27 y...

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

Sudden end of a longtime friendship

**Sudden end of a longtime friendship**
*a short story*

Monica was breastfeeding her son
while her best friend Soniya sat nearby...

Monica asked - 'Does my son resemble me or his father?'

Soniya - 'He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father!'

**The End*...

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

Bill Clinton was seeing his counselor...

And his counselor asked how Hillary's head was doing with all this e-mail controversy. Bill replied, "Still not as good as Monica's."

I live in Santa Monica, Los Angeles. My girlfriend is taking a flight from London to come see me. I have promised her that I'll go pick her up from the airport

We'll both leave our respective houses at the same time :|

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