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Tommy Jokes

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Tommy…

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

Whenever I can’t decide what to wear to a party, I always call our friend Tommy.

I know..Hilfiger something out.

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why?

Because he wanted 2 die.

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to ...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Whenever we are stuck trying to solve a math problem, we always go to our friend Tommy for help.

We know…Hilfiger it out.

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

Tommy

Did you hear about the english man who wanted to fight in the first world war?
He joined late. Skip forward to the first fight. He’s in the trench. Tommy as we’ll call him goes up to his captain, and says, er, captain, i’m reporting for duty. I want to fight for my country!
The captain replie...

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Little Tommy lived on a farm,

He woke up one morning and went downstairs for breakfast. Little Tommy's mom said "no, you have to do your chores to get breakfast!"

Little Tommy stormed out of the house an went to feed the chickens and kicked one on the way out. He tromped over to the pigs and kicked one of them as he fill...

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

How do Tommy feel when his toothpaste landed on the floor?

Crestfallen.

Got a problem? Just ask Tommy.

Hilfiger it out.

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Tommy's absence from school

Tommy walks into his class after being off for a few days. Teacher gets on his case asking where he has been? Why did no one inform the school, is he aware what he's missed. She is put on the back foot however when Tommy responds "Sorry Miss. But my dad was in an accident the other day, and was burn...

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

Tommy Wiseau was considering casting Dumbo as a lead actor

He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

Tommy will figure

Tommy's Mum: Tommy, you need to let your younger brother learn things on his own too.

Tommy: Sure Mom!

Johnny: (Tommy's younger brother) What's 89 times 2

Tommy: it's.... (Interrupted by Mum)

Tommy's Mum: Tommy Hilfiger it out

Tommy at the rodeo

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever...

How many trainers will it take to teach Tommy fashion design?

None. Hilfiger it out.

Why didn't Rihanna date Tommy Wiseau?

Because he did not hit her.

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. ...

Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Hellen Keller with a Tommy gun?

Mike Tyson, Hellen Keller never heard the bell

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Christmas joke

Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks ove...

Little Tommy goes to his mom...

Little Tommy goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk?”

His mom replies, “Not now, Tommy. She’s in heat.”

“What’s heat?” he asks.

“Your dad’s in the garage. Go ask him.”

Tommy finds his dad in the garage. He says, “Dad, I wanna take Daisy for a walk b...

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My Uncle Tommy...

...robbed banks and hired only professionals to be part of his crew. His biggest mistake was in hiring an ex-Nascar driver as his get away man. The fucker kept driving around in circles.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly ...

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

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Tommy was born without eyelids

So they circumcised him and used the skin to create eyelids. The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the firstd...

What did Tommy Wiseau say to his wife when she was making pulled pork?

You're tearing meat apart Lisa!

Tommy and Tony are in prison.

Tommy and Tony are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells, with only a solitary, tiny barred window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Tommy asks , "Got any new jokes, Tony?"...

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

Tommy Wiseau made a quick announcement today

He said " oh hi March"!

Tommy Cooper gag

A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

Do you know what medical insurance Tommy Wiseau is covered under?

Oh, Highmark

After the lab accident, Tommy became really rude to people around him.

His friends said that he became a much more toxic person.

Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

Tommy Wiseau was my favorite college professor

He always gave me hai marks

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“Hey Tommy why’re you so out of breath?”

“Well I was just having the best sex of my life!”

“Wow it was so good it took your breath away?”

“Oh nah, I had to run - I heard a door open on the other side of the morgue”

Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school

Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."

To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag...

Good for ...

"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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Boys have a thing and girls don't. Pt 2

*Hijacking the title from the front page*

Little Tommy was coming home from school after any regular Monday of 3th grade. As he passed his classmate Susie’s house, he saw her playing with her dolls in the yard. Being a miserable 9 year old he yelled over to Susie. “Hey Susie, you see this bik...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

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I built this bridge, stone by stone! And they don't call me Tommy the bridge builder do they!?

But fuck one goat!....

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy ...

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy and wait in line. When they get to the front, the pharmacist asks "What can I do for you boys?"

One of the boys reaches up on the counter, drops a handful of change, and says, "We want some kotex."

The pharmacist is curious so he asks, "Are these ...

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Irishman walks into a bar in the states and walks to the Bar and orders 3 pints...

And the bartender says, i’m sorry sir here in the states we can only serve you one at a time. The Irishman responds by explaining “you see it comes from when me and me’ two brothers left the old country to different parts of the world, and we said every Saturday we would enter a pub and order 3 pint...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

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Tommy and Billy decide it is time they start swearing. ..

Ten year old Tommy and his eight year old brother Billy are in their bunk bed when Tommy declares "I think it is time we start swearing"
Billy says "Yeah!"
Tommy says "Tomorrow I'm going to use the word 'bitch'"
Billy says "I'm going to use the word 'fuck'"
They fall asleep happy...

An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital

Billy asks Tommy why he’s there.

Tommy says, “To get my tonsils removed.”

Billy says, “Oh don’t worry, it’s not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.”

Tommy then asks Billy, “Why are you here?”

Billy says, “For a circumcision.”...

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A redneck child runs up to his father and yells "Dad! Uncle Tommy is fucking the dog."

The dad responds "For fucks sake, Tommy. Where is that bastard?"

"He's in my room"

"Why'd you let him fuck the dog in your room?"

To which the boy responds, "I didn't have a choice. He just barged in and said it was his turn!"

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Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."

Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his...

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(Long) An elderly man was sitting on his porch one day..

..when Tommy, the 9 year old neighborhood troublemaker, came walking up the street dragging some metal fencing behind him.

The man yelled "Tommy, what are you doing this time?
Tommy: This is chicken wire, I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
Man: "Tommy you fool, you can't catch chickens w...

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

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I’ve been thinking recently if the bands Toto, Tommy lee and Marvin Gaye firmed a band it would be

Toto lee Gaye

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Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

A teacher to her students,

"Lets talk about associate, or association. It means things that go together. You can associate plants with soil, and birds with trees. Now, can anyone tell me what we can associate with fish? Yes, Tommy?"

Tommy: "Chips!"



Source: Adapated from a joke in a 1913 newspaper

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day m...

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!...

Miss Spencer asked her class what they want to be when they grow up

And little Tommy enthusiastically responded: "I want to be a jackass!"

In shock Miss Spencer asked: "Dear heavens, why would you want to be that?"

"Well," responded Tommy "Whenever I'm walking in the city with my dad he always says 'Look at that jackass driving his Porsche', 'Look at t...

Confession

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy?"

"Yes Father, it is," the boy replied.

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can’t tell you F...

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Tommy is a shy Kindergartener and his teacher calls him to the front of the class to say his alphabet...

Tommy reluctantly stood up, and eventually to the front of the class. Nervous, he starts to say his alphabet. “ABCDEFG,HIJKLMO..QRS,TUV, WX,Y and Z. “That was very good Tommy.” the teacher said. “But you forgot your P”. Then Tommy replied, “Its running down my pants!”

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

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One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were in their car and on their way to church.

Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Jesus Christ that hurt, are you a complete fucking wanker?"
The mother being upset went and talked to the priest.
She said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." to which the Father sai...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

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Dirty Johnny

A teacher is teaching class one day and tells her students 'today I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter'

"The first letter is 'A'"

Dirty Johnny's hand flies up.

'No' the teacher thinks 'he's gonna say"ass". A mom...

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Little Johnny’s father

First grade teacher is going around the class asking the students what their dads do for a living.

She asks Sally and Sally says that her dad is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail.

The teacher asks Tommy and Tommy says that his dad is a doctor and he helps cure sick people.
...

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[NSFW] Joke I found in a vintage porno from the 1930's.

So this is a simple time where men are men and women are women.

Tommy is on a date with Stacy and takes a long detour 10 miles outside of town. He propositions her for sex, and if she doesn't put out she can walk home.

Stacy walks home.

A second date happens as Tommy proceeds to...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Tommy, I want you to meet my new boyfriend".

"I've got a 3 kill streak leave me alone" he cries, eagerly gripping his controller.

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey champ, how you doing?"

Tommy ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? How...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

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A student seemed upset so a math teacher walks up to him.

The teacher says hey tommy what's wrong?

Tommy says I'm having girl problems and I need help solving this issue.

The teacher says I'll do what I can.

Tommy says I don't want to tell you their names so let's call them x y and z. I like y and yesterday in the lunchroom I ran into ...

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

True Story

Yesterday would have been my stepfather Tom's 75th birthday. To commemorate the occasion, I give you this story.

Back in 2006, I was prepping to relocate from Nebraska back to Southern California, and this meant lots of phone calls between me and my mother. One Friday evening, I called her up...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Doctor Doctor

Ok so a Tommy Cooper joke that has kept me chuckling all day.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” I see says the doctor I am not...

English Whales

British tommy: Are you two girls from England?
Girls: Wales....
British tommy: are you two whales from England??

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined d...

What do you call a fashion designer, who is not yet sure about his new collection?

Tommy Hilfigeritout

A Young Man in Confessional

A young man walks into confessional.

Tommy: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I've been with a loose woman."

Priest: "Is that you, Tommy? Who was it then?"

Tommy: "I can't tell you father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Priest: "Was it Brenda?"

Tommy: "No...

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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A woman wakes up after a Vaginal Tuck.

On the window sill, she sees three bunches of flowers.

One from her surgeon to say all went well.

One from her husband, "get well soon and I love you."

And one from Tommy in the burns unit, to say,

"Thank you for the new ears."

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

A man gets sent to prison for the first time.

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.

Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.

Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.

P...

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My mom told me this joke

Donald and Tommy walk into a wedding.

Everyone brings amazing gifts for the couple.

Donald brings a peanut as his gift.

The couple finds this offensive and decides to shove the peanut up Donald's ass.

But then Donald starts laughing.

The couple asks him why he is d...

A couple of months before Christmas, a boy found out what he wanted from Santa...

Excited, Little Tommy wrote a letter to Santa, saying:

> Dear Santa,
> I want a brother for Christmas!
> From, Tommy.

A couple of weeks later, Tommy got a letter back from Santa:

> Dear Tommy,
> Send me your mother.

I took saxophone lessons for six months...

...until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?



(credit: Tommy Cooper)

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