UPJOKE
rulemonarchsultanemirdictatorpharaohtyrantoverlordkingemperorcaliphprincekingdomimperialkhan

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

Which Slavic ruler was the biggest stoner?

Vlad The Inhaler

what is an Arabic ruler's favorite flavor of potato chips?

Sultan vinegar.

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Ruler

I bought a three foot ruler yesterday at a yard sale

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Why are authoritarian rulers called dictators?

Because they are always men. Nobody has ever heard of a vagtator…

A funny insight by my wife yesterday.

What do rulers smell like?

A foot

What do bent lines and wartorn countries have in common?

Crooked Rulers.

The good king

There was once a king whose height was 15 cm. He wasn’t a great leader but he was a good ruler.

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

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I finally measured my penis today...

Apparently my college girlfriend read the "9" on the ruler upside down.

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business?

They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

Why did blonde put a ruler under her pillow?

She wanted to see how long she slept.

What’s is a ruler’s favorite fetish

Foot

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

Why are anarchists bad at carpentry?

They have no rulers

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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I have a 12 inch penis

..... And my girlfriend doesn't know which way to hold the ruler.

I lost my ruler this morning.

My disappointment was immeasurable.

We need good rulers in our country

All the rulers are mismeasuring.

One day, Dan Schneider went outside with a ruler

When he got to the street, he put the ruler on the ground, measured 12 inches. After the measurement he walked 12 inches down the road then excitedly looked round for a few seconds before sadly walking off. he kept doing this all the way down the road. walking 12 inches at a time then excitedly look...

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

I went to the store to buy a ruler

then I bought another one for good measure

If you were the ruler for a day! What would you do?

Measure stuff!

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Why do blondes take rulers with them to bed?

To measure how long they sleep.

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

What did the math teacher say when he found his ruler in the boys' locker room?

It smells like a foot.



I'm sorry, LOL. I swear I didn't read this anywhere, it just kinda popped into my head when doing yard work. Haha

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

What do you call a dishonest ruler?

The Lyin’ King.

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

Why did the pilot turn his plane into pens, pencils and a ruler?

Because to refuel it needed to be stationery.

Ottoman Ruler Declares War!

As a man with his four sons work at the farm, a horseman appears. Comes close to the father and says, our great leader has declared war, your oldest son must be conscripted. Takes the boy and leaves. Time passes, the horseman appears again. Announces the war, takes the oldest son leaves. Now only th...

I am about to compete in the, flicking a ruler off the side of a desk, competition ...

It's held annually in France, in the Dordogne.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to a job interview?

She wanted to get a foot in the door.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a ruler.

If women would be ruleres in every country there wouldn’t be any wars

Just a bunch of countries that wouldn’t speak with each other.

Have you heard the joke about the 13-inch ruler?

Never mind. It's too long.

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

I hated catholic school, the nuns were always hitting me with rulers and slapping me

Anything to defend themselves

How do you call an australian who is a spiritual leader and a ruler in mongolia ?

A Khan Guru

I bought a 32ft ruler.

For extreme measures.

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

What did the Roman ruler say when a female criminal ran from him?

Ceasar!

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To the bitch that stole my ruler

I'll retract from attacking you right now, but when I'm ready, you better square the fuck up.

At school we discussed the great rulers.

I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof.

There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.

Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be t...

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

Did you hear about the priest who spoke his good words to each of the African Kings/Rulers?

He blessed the reigns down in Africa.

“Do you know what happened to the rulers?”

“What?”

“They aren’t making them any longer.”

Why did the man sleep with a ruler?

He had a foot fetish

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So, I measured my penis with one of those digital rulers...

...Anyone know how to convert LOL into inches?

At school today, the teacher pointed to me with a ruler,

The teacher said "There is in idiot at the end of this ruler!"
So i asked "Which end?"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

What's the favourite toy of Turkish rulers?

Beyblades.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

What do you call an snobbish Mongolian ruler going down the stairs?

A condescending Khan descending.

Why are you prodding me with that ruler?

"Im measuring your patience"

Why did the guy get an erection when he saw a ruler?

He had a foot fetish.

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

I lost my ruler and my work after drawing a graph...

I think they were plotting something.

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler

It was a foot race

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My girlfriend & I are a perfect match,

I've got a nine inch dick, & she dosen't know which end of the ruler to measure from.

Why do Republicans use rulers?

They want everything to be straight.

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

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The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

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Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Give a man an inch,

and right away he thinks he's a ruler.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!

Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with ...

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