My teacher pointed towards me with his ruler and said "At the end of this ruler, there's an idiot."

I got detention after asking which end.

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

We need good rulers in our country

All the rulers are mismeasuring.

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Soo, I measured my penis using a carpenters ruler.

I'm pretty proud to say, that I have a 195 cm long dick.

Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business?

They just couldn’t measure up to the competition.

So yesterday I put a ruler under my pillow before sleeping

I just wanted to know how long I sleep.

Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...

I bought it at a Yard sale.

One day, Dan Schneider went outside with a ruler

When he got to the street, he put the ruler on the ground, measured 12 inches. After the measurement he walked 12 inches down the road then excitedly looked round for a few seconds before sadly walking off. he kept doing this all the way down the road. walking 12 inches at a time then excitedly look...

I lost my ruler this morning.

My disappointment was immeasurable.

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

I went to the store to buy a ruler

then I bought another one for good measure

If you were the ruler for a day! What would you do?

Measure stuff!

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

Why do blondes take rulers with them to bed?

To measure how long they sleep.

Why did the pilot turn his plane into pens, pencils and a ruler?

Because to refuel it needed to be stationery.

Give a man an inch,

and right away he thinks he's a ruler.

What’s a rulers favorite Mexican dinner?

Inchalada

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

What do you call a dishonest ruler?

The Lyin’ King.

What did the math teacher say when he found his ruler in the boys' locker room?

It smells like a foot.



I'm sorry, LOL. I swear I didn't read this anywhere, it just kinda popped into my head when doing yard work. Haha

I am about to compete in the, flicking a ruler off the side of a desk, competition ...

It's held annually in France, in the Dordogne.

Who’s in charge of the pencil case?

The ruler

Why are Fire Trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the...

I hated catholic school, the nuns were always hitting me with rulers and slapping me

Anything to defend themselves

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

Once there was a king only 12” tall.

He was a lousy king, but made a great ruler.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to a job interview?

She wanted to get a foot in the door.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism.

The Police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I...

Ottoman Ruler Declares War!

As a man with his four sons work at the farm, a horseman appears. Comes close to the father and says, our great leader has declared war, your oldest son must be conscripted. Takes the boy and leaves. Time passes, the horseman appears again. Announces the war, takes the oldest son leaves. Now only th...

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

How to borrow two rulers.

So I went over to my favorite teacher class and ask-
Me: "Mr Long can I get two rulers?"
Him: " Sure no problem" ( grabs rulers out of desk)
Me: "Thanks needed for a test"
Him: (thinking he is funny he says) "Hey don't mind the mark at 10 inches"
Me: "No problem! Why do you think ...

If women would be ruleres in every country there wouldn’t be any wars

Just a bunch of countries that wouldn’t speak with each other.

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

Whats do a ruler and thirteen year old memer have in common?

They are both straight and edgy

At school we discussed the great rulers.

I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof.

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To the bitch that stole my ruler

I'll retract from attacking you right now, but when I'm ready, you better square the fuck up.

My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler.

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

How do you call an australian who is a spiritual leader and a ruler in mongolia ?

A Khan Guru

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

Did you hear about the priest who spoke his good words to each of the African Kings/Rulers?

He blessed the reigns down in Africa.

“Do you know what happened to the rulers?”

“What?”

“They aren’t making them any longer.”

There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.

Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be t...

I left school with two qualifications 'Maths' and 'Woodwork' and i walked straight in a job..

Making rulers...

Have you heard the joke about the 13-inch ruler?

Never mind. It's too long.

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

What did the Roman ruler say when a female criminal ran from him?

Ceasar!

What do you call a slim ruler who's considering something?

Thin-king

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

I bought a 32ft ruler.

For extreme measures.

Why did the man sleep with a ruler?

He had a foot fetish

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So, I measured my penis with one of those digital rulers...

...Anyone know how to convert LOL into inches?

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

What's the favourite toy of Turkish rulers?

Beyblades.

What do you call an snobbish Mongolian ruler going down the stairs?

A condescending Khan descending.

Why are you prodding me with that ruler?

"Im measuring your patience"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Why did the guy get an erection when he saw a ruler?

He had a foot fetish.

I lost my ruler and my work after drawing a graph...

I think they were plotting something.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler

It was a foot race

Why do Republicans use rulers?

They want everything to be straight.

Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?

To see how long she slept.

Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!

Because he is the supreme ruler.

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall?

She's a ruler.

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

I really tried hard and got Straight A's

all I needed was to use a ruler

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

I like jokes about stationary..

But rulers are where I draw the line

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.
<...

Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

Who's the king of all school supplies?

The ruler.

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with ...

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

King George was only 11 inches tall...

...so he was unfit to be a ruler.

My friend told me he had a foot fetish...

So I just started hitting him with my 30cm ruler while he moaned.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

I hated the girls at my school

They used to hit me with a ruler.. Slap me in the face. Basically did everything they could just to defend themselves.

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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

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