UPJOKE
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Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

I asked my boss for a raise...

He bought me an adjustable chair

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

A newbie walks into work at 9:00 on his first day . He is very late and the boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.

“Why?” says the guy. “What happened at 8:30?”

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

I asked my boss for a raise.

He said what for?

I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?

I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

My Boss calls me ‘the computer’

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

Im on season 6 but I’m not really sure what its got to do with security.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

My boss wants me to sign up for the company 401k this Friday…

…anyone have any tips for ramping up my distance running in 72 hours?

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!”

He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

My boss said I was too unreliable.

"Can you give me an example of when I've been too unreliable?" I asked.

"Yesterday's shift was a prime example," she replied.

"What are you talking about? I didn't even work yesterday..."

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

My boss told me to have a good day…

So I went home

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

I Finally killed the Spaghetti guardian boss.

He pasta-way

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

There isn't too much of a difference between my boss and my drug dealer

Both get my hopes up by saying there's something great on the horizon and both slowly tear away at my hopes by telling me that it'll happen next week.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

“Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. ...

Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord?

>!They went on a power trip!<

Boss talking to his colleague.

Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.


Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter…

…but then it clicked.

My boss got mad at me for calling a co-worker a chicken.

He said he doesn't tolerate any fowl language.

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

Boss pulled me aside and wanted a quick word…

I said “race car”.

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

A father sees his son riding a brand new $200 bike

A father went on a 2 week business trip. He comes back home and sees his son riding a brand new $200 bike.
Father asks :“Hey son. Where did you get the money for the bike?”
Son goes: “From hiking.”
“Hiking?” The father asks. “How do you get money from hiking?”
Son replies: “Oh, Moms bo...

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

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Called in sick to work, told the boss i have Anal Glaucoma. He said "whats that?"

I said "It means i can't see my ass coming to work today"

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

An employee buys his boss a bottle of liquor to celebrity his anniversary.

The boss goes, “I haven’t bought alcohol in 15 years. I’m 15 years *free.*”

The employee quickly apologizes and says, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to break your sobriety!”

The boss responds, “Sobriety? No I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.”

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...

...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

Why did the boss have an inferiority complex?

He was ***short-staffed***.

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

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My boss hates it when i shorten his name to Dick

Probably since his name is Michael.

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Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins)... done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

"Hey Boss..."

"My wife asked me to go on a shopping tour with her today. Can I leave early?"

Boss: "No!"

"Thank you Boss! I knew I could count on you!"

Did you hear about the Repo company whose boss has epilepsy?

Little Seizures

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

my boss thinks I'm an idiot

But he's the idiot. just the other day he told me to go into the front office and to bring him the tube oxes that had just arrived. I wasn't sure what a tube ox was, but I informed him that the plural would be "tube oxen." Worse, all I found was a couple of FedEx packages..

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

I told my boss that I had a terrible fall.

He said, "That's fine, don't come in to work today."

Tomorrow I'll tell him I had a horrible summer, too.

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

In Soviet Era, the local party boss tells people to gather around the main city square and declares: Comrades! Come forth and let us know of your problems and complaints, I'll see to them personally.

Everyone remains silent in fear, but then suddenly Comrade Petrov steps forth and starts complaining: Akh! Comrade we are so miserable! We work so hard in the cold! There's nothing to eat! Our wages are unfair! The medicines don't work when we're ill! Bureaucrats demand bribes to get work done! The ...

I was in a taxi when the driver said "I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do"

I then told him to turn right.

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

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A boss gets mad at his worker for arguing with a customer.

The boss says, "I saw you arguing with a customer. How many times do I have to tell you that the customer is always right!?"

The worker replies, "Of course, the customer is always right!"

"Then why were you arguing with that customer?"

"He said that my boss is a stupid idiot!"...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

I spilled the bag of coffee at work.

My boss said it was Grounds for dismissal.

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

I asked my boss if we would ever hire felons to run pipe.

He said no, they won't let a conduit.

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

By working faithfully eight hours a day,

you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

The boss calls in his best worker for a performance evaluation.

Everything goes well but at the end of the meeting, the worker says "I think you should give me a raise. I'll have you know there are three other companies who are after me."

The boss raises his brow and asks, "Who?"

The worker replies, "Electric, Gas, and Phone.."

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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My boss has a weird sexuality

He loves f**king my life!

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

A boss gives an office worker a job to cut a stack of paper in half and leaves...

Half an hour passes and he returns. He wasn't pleased at what he saw.

"I gave you an order to cut the paper in half!"

"That's what I did but you didn't tell me which way," said the office worker, handing his boss sheets of paper twice as numerous but half as thick.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

I remember my boss once pointed to my desk which was a mess…

He said that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed out that his desk was empty.

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I got fired today when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently the hospital has “very strict rules” around what we are allowed to do with COVID patients in the ICU.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

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Bad boss

My friend Monica confided in me today:

My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.

If he does not take back his words,

seriously, I will pack my shit and I will get the hell out from there.

So I asked: What did he tell you?

She answer:

He told m...

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

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The Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack.

Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:

"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."

Poof, and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerl...

Dog

A salesman drops in to see a business customer. Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks up and says, Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job. Incredible! ...

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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My friend told me “ maaan my boss got mad and ate my ass out”

And I told him “ I think you mean he chewed your ass out” he said “ What’s the difference, same thing “
“Well your way sounds like you got your Christmas bonus early “

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

My boss said he races boats

So I said, “Wow, you must be a fast swimmer!”

My boss pulled me into his office. He sighed and said, "Look...when it comes to drinking on the job, I haven't got much tolerance."

"That's okay," I replied, "I was a rookie once too."

A mechanic was drinking brake fluid at work

Every now and then he would drink a pint of it!

When the boss confronted him he said

"It won't become a problem now I can stop at any time!"

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

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My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “If I ever need your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

The cute secretary came angrily out of the boss' cabin. Her friend asked her what had happened inside.

Secretary: He asked me if I was free tonight.
Friend: And?
Secretary: I said yes......and that rascal gave me 50 pages to type!

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really dislike my boss.

He's lazy, has bad people skills, and doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground. I hate being self-employed somedays.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking pot outside my office.

My wife looked at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

A guy walks into a brothel

picks a girl, takes her to the room and after he finishes he asks:"How much?"
She replies:"200€." He takes out a 500€ note and says:"Keep the change and see you tomorrow."
She is left speechless but of course says this to her boss.
He prepares all the girls next day, tells them to clean up,...

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

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