Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

​

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

​

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

​

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

​

The woman replies...

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man calls his boss and says "I can't come in today, I'm sick"

"How sick are you?" His boss asks.

"I've just fucked my sister, sick enough for you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

My boss is a doctor. He gave me three months to live.

But then said I had to get back to work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss told me to work hard yesterday.

So this morning I took a viagra and have been working hard for almost four hours.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?

I replied: you just ask nicely.

A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"

He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."

The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"

The frustrated boss asked his employee, "Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"

He replied, "I don't know, and I don't care!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boss is clever

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $...

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

He asked, ‘how sick are you?’

I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss pulled up in a Ferrari today.

He told me , if i work really hard , don't call in sick at all , save some money and bust ass all year long , he'll be able to buy the new model next year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big time mafia boss gets out of prison much earlier than expected...

The first thing he does is he gets back in touch with his trusted lawyer.


He says to the lawyer "Remember when I stashed away all that money in floorboards of Luigi's Pizza place?, let's go pay our old pal a visit and make a withdrawal, I wanna move the load someplace else"

<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor

He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"

Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

The Boss notices one of his employees has red eyes and asks him: Have you been drinking?

He answers: No I was crying all weekend cause I missed work.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

This is a funny joke my old boss told me a while back

What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

Boss

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?” Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.” -

Apparently my new boss isn't overly friendly.

So I got in touch with Lee Friendly and told him to give her a call.

A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee responds.

“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

My boss is kinda weird, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break.

Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goober yells Jailbreak!!! On the plus side he let some dogs out for me to play with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doing the Boss a Favor

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

I asked my European boss if he had read Farenheit 451.

He told me he only made it to page 232...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned ...

I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

A boss calls one of his workers into his office

He tells the worker "I've been working for a long time in the joke making business but I have never seen such funny jokes come out of some people so quickly." The worker agrees hoping for a promotion or even a raise. "But that does have it's drawbacks" continued the boss "the staplers and hole punch...

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I make a penny, my boss makes a dime

that's why I poop on company time

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me.

I think I'm a bit too morbid to be a tractor driver.

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

My boss got stuck on the roof while trying to get some work done

He shouted “get me a ladder!”

I won’t let him down.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

My boss is very powerful. He makes me work overtime

`power = work / time`

&#x200B;

Physics anyone?

A boss and his cannibal employees.

Boss: "I think I'm done! But before leaving I want to give all of you a gift of roasting me on my going away party."

Employee 1 (Jokingly): "My mouth is watering already."

Boss: "Yeah. And I can already see it everyone's eyes that they've always wished to grill me."

Employee 2: ...

The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.

One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"

Little Tony thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called my boss at work and said I can't come in and that I'm taking a sick day. He said he wanted to know what the issue was.

I told him "I'm fucking my sister." My boss said "You're doing what? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I said" I told you I'm sick."

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

I call my boss and told him I can't come in today because I have a wee cough

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Sure, I'll take a week off."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The boss is hosting a costume party for Halloween

We see all the usual costumes, that you buy at the store, and even a few homemade ones, but I noticed that the intern was only wearing a pair of jeans. We’re all trying to figure out what his costume is, a shitty hulk? That Kylo Ren meme? Nobody knows, until one person walks up to him and asks:
<...

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did a constipated Dr Watson say to his boss.

No shit Sherlock.

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.

Thanks to video games, kids today have a warped sense of the word "Boss"...

Last weekend I introduced my son to my boss ...he drank a potion, then attacked her!

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you ...

My boss just bought himself a new car

Just like him, it's a Morono.

I rang my boss last night...

I asked "What's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?"

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"

He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

My boss came into work today and told us he would fire someone later for not standing up straight

I have a hunch it might be me

My boss said to dress for the job I want, not the job I have

Now I’m in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss asked me what I would do for a pay rise, so I hesitated and said "...nothing sexual".

I wasn't really made to be a porn star.

My boss asked the difference between logging in vs logging on ...

I replied "It is only the amount of I/O required."

My boss told me...

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

As I watched my coworker crash her Cadillac into my boss’s car, I thought to myself

That Escaladed quickly

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "turn Left"

I asked my boss, “Can I go home early?”

He said, “Only if you make up the time.”

Me: Ok, it is now 35 past 70.

Boss: You’re fired.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

What do the employees of a clothing store say to their boss when they get supplies?

Hugo boss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Perverted Boss....

The boss at a small company was a very perverted guy. Everyone knew about it and usually kept their distance. The boss recently hired a new smoking hot secretary. Everyone told her to keep her distance from him but she wasn't fazed.

&#x200B;

One day the boss told the secretary tha...

My boss must think I’m a mechanic...

He always makes sure I’m under the bus.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.

That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.

My boss asked me where I saw myself in a year.

So I replied "Well, I don't have 20/20 vision"

&#x200B;

(It might not be new years for you, but it is in my timezone)

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

When the boss came, the story began:

\-The client: is room 39 empty? -The boss: yes, sir.

\-The client: can I book it? -The boss: of course you can.

\-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

My boss came to work with a new Ferrari

“Nice car, boss!” I complimented

“If you work harder with conviction,stay committed and loyal to the company, I would be able to get another one soon” the boss replied

TIFU: By eating my boss' sandwich

Edit: Sorry, wrong sub.

My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion?

Because he works tirelessly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

Boss: "If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"

Me: "I understand. Won't happen again."

Boss: "Now go inventory the sheep."

Me: "Oh no!"

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

My boss told me to have a great day this morning.

Five minutes later, I turned in my resignation.

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

"We've had complaints about you," said my boss.

"What are they?" I asked.

"They're what people make when they aren't happy with something," my boss replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The ...

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy calls his boss to tell him he cannot go to work for personal reasons.

His boss responds, "Every time I feel down, I have sex with my wife. It always makes me feel better. You should try it too.

Two hours later, the employee responds, "you are right! I feel much better. I'll be in soon. I never realized how far of a commute you have every day!"

I am the Boss

Boss hangs a poster on his office room’s door.

“I AM THE BOSS, DON’T FORGET AND STAY WITHIN YOUR LIMITS”.

He returns and finds a slip on his desk. “Sir, your wife called, she was shouting and said she wants her poster back at HOME... “.

Today I caught 2 kids smoking pot outside my office

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and 2 kids smoking pot outside my office