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Guru Jokes

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My marketing guru said to put myself in my customers' shoes.

My customer said what the fuck are you doing to my shoes.

Tourist: "Guru, what's the secret of happiness?"

Tourist: "Guru, what's the secret of happiness?"
Guru: "Don't argue with stupid people."
Tourist: "That's nonsense."
Guru: "You are right."

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

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Guru and student

A guy highly devotional to his guru buys a house. He goes to his guru to get a suitable name for his house.

Guru: My son, Name your house with the first thing you see tomorrow morning.

He wakes up next day morning and sees the ass of his toddler.

He names his house as 'Ass'...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

A man arrives at the top of a mountain and the Guru who lives there greets him.

"I can answer any question you have."

The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses? It's really bright up here."

The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."

The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective. I just couldn't see."

As the man t...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

A yoga guru is caught loitering on a corner and is asked to leave by police.

He replies “Namaste”.

Why did the guru refuse novocaine at the dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I'm tired of explaining to my spiritual Guru how E-mails work.

He can't just understand what attachments are!

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I asked my guru what I had to do to be one with everything.

He said: Fuck the world.

Tommy begged his father to get them a Christmas tree

Father said no. No Christmas tree

"But daddy all my friends have Christmas trees in their house"

Father was adamant, NO Christmas tree.

Tommy pestered his father every year. Still no Christmas tree.

Finally when tommy was 10 he really begged , "Please I want a Christmas t...

How to know everything you need to know

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress...

A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"

The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."

The man says: "I disagree."

The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."

Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use Novocain to numb his mouth?

The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication

Husband, wife and romance

This is a story about husband and wife.So they have been married for 20 years and have two beautiful kids. In the initial years of marriage they were all over each other and as kids came , slowly the physical intimacy reduced and it's almost nil today. One day husband comes home ,he saw that wife wa...

Our guru told us this joke when my mom told him I got scared by a stray cat at night while taking out the garbage.

There was this one cowardly guy who was scared of many things and once he took a journey to another town. While at it, he came upon a tunnel. He quickly got scared of the tunnel and started to look around for help. He saw a person standing by and asks him for help. The person says he's a guide and y...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

How do you call a pidgeon that is also a spiritual teacher?

Guru

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

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The secret to living forever

There was an Indian Guru who knew the secret to living forever, so a guy decides to go find him. After years of searching, the guy finally finds the guru and asks: "do you know the secret to living forever?"

The guru says: "yes, but you will have to give up a few things."

"First you m...

How do you call an australian who is a spiritual leader and a ruler in mongolia ?

A Khan Guru

A disciple asked, “Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?”

“Yes, son,” the guru quipped, “as long as there are no attachments.”

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

The devotee and the mad elephant

There once was a wise Guru who lived in a temple. He had several devotees who studied under him. Every day, he would teach them things about God and world.

"Guru, where is God?" asked a devotee one day.

"Everywhere, my son," said Guru.

"Everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere. In e...

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