UPJOKE
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My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates

DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old.

Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".

DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."

How did the horse slide into the other horse’s dm’s?

hay

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

DM me if you want to turn your $100

Into my $100

What do you call someone who breaks up with you via DM?

DMX

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

Did you hear the joke about censorship?

You might expect to simply see the word \[removed\] here, but actually most censorship is self-censorship whereby people edit their own work to pre-empt any conflict with the censors, so please DM me for the answer to this joke

How do Instagram models get paid?

Per DM

Looking to play a game of D&D. If anyone is interested, please

DM me

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

I think I forgot my gmail password.

Yo CIA could you DM it to me?

Playing D&D with the kids... (Long)

Kids need a 4th party member, no one around, I should join. Roll a all charisma character.

...

DM: City guard catches you stealing, what do you do?

The rest of the party panics.

Me: Is the head guard a woman?

DM: Yes.

Me: I will seduce her and ask her not to...

A fun story about Dungeons and Dragons

I remember reading this great story, goes somewhere along these lines:

The party is traveling on a mountain in a blizzard, and every member rolls to see if they fall from the cliff. A dwarf warrior doesn't pass the check due to his armor, and falls.

DM: You fall from the cliff but hav...

I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

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