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Lovers Jokes

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

Safety is a terrible lover

Safety always comes first

Why do doctors make lousy lovers?

Because usually they prefer to sit and wait for the swelling to go down.

Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can’t find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can’t find the position.

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

Why don't cowboys make good lovers?

Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

What does furrys and fastfood lovers have together?

They both love hot dogs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

Montana has the best lovers

My favorite jokes about the insane amount of sheep loving that occurs in Montana from when I grew up:

1. What is the hottest selling clothing accessory in Montana? Velcro gloves. *wpsh* *wpsh* *BAaaAah*


2. Why do the mountain men always make love to the sheep on the edge of a clif...

Why are frogs such great lovers?

They're ribeted for her pleasure.

If two loaves of bread are lovers, and one stays outside too long, what do you call it?

A stalemate.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are people from Alabama such generous lovers?

Because family always cums first

How do German pasta lovers say hello?

Gluten Tag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

Robots are the most loyal lovers

Their love just can't be bot.

Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers?

They’re great with figures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Statue of Two Lovers

Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to l...

Torn between two lovers

John was unable to choose between two girls…

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never l...

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Why radio lovers love to play hide and seek?

Because **RADIO OR NOT** here i come!



(Okay, that wasn't quite good)

A family of animal lovers goes out of town for a week and their beloved pets decide to give them a complete home makeover:

The birds: “we’ll do the painting and make the walls the colors of our beautiful feathers!”
The cats: “we’ll do the flooring and make sure every corner is perfect!”
The hamsters: “we’re so tiny, we can get into the wiring and make sure everything is up to date and safe!”
What did the d...

Coffee lovers come in many

But tea lovers come infuse

Yeah, the NRA sounds great, but personally, I prefer Deer Lovers Anonymous.

You get more bang for your buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if

* exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got a joke for the car lovers of Reddit

What do you get if you have sex in a Subaru dealership

A WRX STI

Top golfers are the worst lovers...

...two-three strokes and they're done!

What do necrophiliacs and beer lovers have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

The worst cases of the coronavirus are from coffee lovers

They couldn't stop caffeine

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

Why do fruit lovers

often come in pears?

A story about lovers lost

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate, Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, can't even remember where he was...

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

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